Jennifer: Hi, this is question is from Duncan in the UK.
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
I have an embarrassing question. I am 23 and have not had a girlfriend ever, nor have I had sex except with an escort. I do not really know what to do and have no idea how to talk to women or do anything with them. Most women are not interested or they simply ignore me. I have tried an online dating site and a couple of girls responded but after three or four emails exchanges, they stopped. I am about to give up completely and fear that I will be single for my entire life. It is not like I am stupid. I have a good degree and potentially a good job lined up in the spring. Can you help me?
Help him Dan.
Dan: Okay stop, just stop. The feeling I get off of this email is one of desperation of giving up or of what—the hell with it, whatever. Just stop. Reboot, throw out everything you have done so far. Chunk it. It is gone and we are starting fresh, okay. Seriously, because this whole thing is a losing strategy. We are going to go for a winning strategy here, okay? Alright!
Dating sites, what you need is positive, lots of forward motion, serious action. First, confidence, whether or not you have done something with a woman before is completely and out of the inconsequential.
Moving forward, dating sites. You get on dating sites, think of it as online introductions, not online dating. You cannot just date people online.
Jennifer: It is not possible.
Dan: It is not a correct term. It is just the common term. So think about it as online introductions. It is like a catalogue shopping for folks. You meet people that meet your criteria, exchange an email or two, take it offline. Get on the phone, go have a quick 15-minute coffee, meet and get to know people in the real world—real people that you are not going to be able to date online. Okay?
Jennifer: You can mention—well you can have internet sex but you know, you cannot have real sex online.
Dan: You just want to get it with a real woman. You want to get it with a real woman? You do not exchange 50 emails, right?
Jennifer: No.
Dan: No, that is not going to happen. Okay and also, you have not been at home. You are 23 not 97 ½, really, stop rushing it.
Jennifer: It is not the end.
Dan: And relax, it is okay. The right person will come at just the right time. It is just important to believe that. Always, always believe, always.
Okay now, practice interacting with real people. Get out from behind the computer, go hang out at a bookstore, go hang out in whatever. Just get out more with the real people. Got to clubs, go to bookstores, go to places with real people and talk to people, talk to girls. Talk to a girl without trying to get her to go out with you. Just say hi, you know, ask for help with something. Say something.
Jennifer: How is the weather today?
Dan: Interact with the woman as if she was a real person that you are not wanting anything from, and that is going to get you comfortable. Interacting with women as real people because believe it or not they are, they are real people.
Jennifer: And then another interesting thing you can do is practice asking women questions that you know they are going to say no to.
Dan: Yes and you can make some friends, and because it is okay to get a “no”. Any woman that is standing there, you have got 70% chance that she is not going to be interested in you. She may be gay, she may be with somebody else, she may have just broken up, she may be the depressed, she may be whatever. She may or may not want to go out with you and it is not your deal.
Another strategy, this is potentially dangerous, but make some friends that are girls just so that you learn how girls act or they think—
Jennifer: Feel comfortable being around them
Dan: Now I am not saying get in the friend zone for a girl you want to date. That is strategy, you make some friends that are women.
Jennifer: I have nothing to add to that.
Dan: Just a lot of options, always, always, always, always opportunity at help. Just go for it.
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