Author of The Unexpected When Expecting

Daddy Clay: Hey there, welcome back to the Lab, I am Daddy Clay; we are here with the 'UnExpected When You're Expecting,' author Mary K. Moore, Mary, thank you very much, for coming into the Lab. Mary K. Moore: Thank you for having me. Daddy Clay: You are very brave for being here. Mary K. Moore: I am comfortable. Daddy Clay: I am okay, I am comfortable than okay, although after reading this book, I am a little bit intimidated that you are going to be funnier than me. Mary K. Moore: Oh well. Daddy Clay: Which is not allowed, I am not sure if you got that. Mary K. Moore: On page when one person is -- different things. Daddy Clay: Both of those things are appropriate as far as, this is a really really funny book. Mary K. Moore: Thank you. Daddy Clay: And I really enjoyed reading it. I think Moms and Dads; you got to own this thing. So I have got here -- you are an expert on this whole pregnancy thing. So let's talk about guys in pregnancy. Mary K. Moore: Alright, let's do. Daddy Clay: They are involved certainly in the process. My question is, what are Dad's doing that's really dumb, knuckle headed. Mary K. Moore: Well, I think it's tougher fathers right now, because the lines have really been blurred between the generations before them, which was a lot less involved, versus the new generation which might take it to crepes sensitive guy extremes. You know you want a guy who comes to your appointment and ask about your well check you don't, want the guy who gazes into your belly like a crystal ball. So, I think it's a manner of kind of defining your manhood, versus just taking it to a level where it is just uncomfortable even for her. Daddy Clay: Yeah, so go to the Gynecology appointments or not? Mary K. Moore: I think you can go, and I think if you can, sure, if that's what you feel comfortable with, and what your partner feels comfortable with. I think it's a good way to kind of know, get more insight into what she is going through in the sense of not just the appointment per se, because you can't really get a sense of that when you are not in the stirrups, but at least when you hear it from the doctor, and you can ask questions, and you can seem very attentive and involved, which most men are, but I think just being there, talking to the doctor, and just showing interest first hand, can go a long way, and will buy you time to be quiet when you are home. Daddy Clay: And so, when is it crossover to staring into your wife's belly like a crystal ball, like what crosses the line? Mary K. Moore: The maternity photo. If you have done the maternity photo, you've starred into the belly, you have taken it too far dude. Daddy Clay: The picture? Mary K. Moore: Yeah, you don't want that. Daddy Clay: You don't want like the tummy picture? Mary K. Moore: You know, I had my husband come to maternity photos, and he stood by me. I was like, you can be near me, but just don't gaze into my body in way shape or form. Daddy Clay: So which leads me to my next question, so you are in the OBGYN's office and the doctor invites you to observe something that's developing in the body of your partner. Mary K. Moore: Well, I don't think that's necessary. Daddy Clay: Yes or no? Mary K. Moore: No, not if you are -- I mean, if you are comfortable, sure. But if you are not comfortable, don't do it, and then explain to her later, like it's -- Arnold, like my husband is a Physician, and you would think that he will be very comfortable with these processes, and he wasn't at all, because he said, that's the thing, it's you. Daddy Clay: Nice talk, you are a little bit, certainly you are no longer an MD, it's the magic place. Well talk, if you can tell me all these years of medical training down the tubes when it is your own wife. Mary K. Moore: That's right. Daddy Clay: I noticed you used the phrase sugar walls in the book. Mary K. Moore: You got to give the -- Daddy Clay: So certainly, it's sugar walls, so but it is an awkward moment, like your doc says, hey, if you will step over here you can see the irritation on the cervices, and I am like Oh! Mary K. Moore: Keep in mind, I think women have to keep this in mind too. I mean men -- obviously you are going through this experience, but men want to keep I think some mystery, and if they want to be, you can be supportive down here on this end, you don't necessarily have to be supportive on that end, because maybe you just - she may not even handle if she was looking on the other side, because -- and you have to think about this. You have to give a guy some credit. I mean, when you watch a birth, with just a few, it will be like hours before her vagina was literally looking right back at you, and that can be disturbing for anyone. Daddy Clay: Not that the vagina can look. Mary K. Moore: Well, when you see a head, and instead of eyes coming out. Daddy Clay: Okay, we are going to get a hold to all of those thing. Let's backup for a second, and have at the safer territory of pregnancy. Let's take it like one trimester at a time, and you tell me, give me some suggestions, how a Dad can bring value, like what a Dad can do that's positive, first trimester. Mary K. Moore: Well, I think going to the doctor appointments. If you can, go to all of them, great, because I think there are a lot of doctors who do understand that some dads don't want complete physical involvement in the sense of, maybe they feel -- and it's not I think being selfish. It's really; I think for man, it's hard to see your wife in a position bad term, but such vulnerability and the inability to do anything about it, it is a very powerless feeling. And I think woman has to recognize, if he does feel a little less inclined to be involved like really in it, it's probably because he is just scare to see you in that way and he can't do anything to help you. Man are very action oriented, and if you are sitting in there, and the doctor is the person who is doing everything, it can feel helpless, but what you can do, is just be more emotionally supportive. Go to your appointments; if they don't -- if you feel like you don't want to go inside for some reason, at least wait for her in the waiting room, and then when she comes out, ask her all the questions that you would have. Daddy Clay: How about holding her hair while she boots up the Breakfast Buretto? Mary K. Moore: Well, you know if you want to apply, take it -- Daddy Clay: How about second trimester? What's going on in the second trimester so you have been with the doc --? Mary K. Moore: Well, I think you have to be really sympathetic, because in the second trimester some women still, I mean, are just now starting to show, but you are having this full on symptoms, or you maybe pulling right out of the morning sickness. And that's another thing about first trimester too, and part of second. Women are going to be having a lot of symptoms that aren't necessarily apparent, I mean, you may feel nauseated. I think it is important to be sympathetic, really listen, ask follow up questions, and just do her evil bidding for her. Daddy Clay: How about evil bidding in the second trimester. Mary K. Moore: Anything, go and get ice cream. Daddy Clay: Okay, it is a lot of car pooling involved. Mary K. Moore: Yeah, exactly. Daddy Clay: Third semester, she is really big, about to pop, what can dad do to be supportive and helpful in that trimester? Mary K. Moore: Well, I think it's really important to make her feel beautiful, and most men I do think find women who are pregnant very beautiful, especially if it is their partner, because it is a huge life experience, where she is caring your child, and I mean, that's a really natural time for a woman, and it is look, she has a glow about her. I think it is important when you see that to say it out loud, not just acknowledging your head. Say it out loud, be supportive obviously with the physical challenges she is dealing with, but the emotional support is still important, because you may be feeling a certain way to towards her, but at that time she is really going to be just hormone soup. So you know. Daddy Clay: And you know on that, it doesn't really work