Being Dad - Relationship and Parenthood

Dakota Mitchell: Hi, I’m Dakota Mitchell one of the dozens of dads on Being Dad DVD. Sam Holt: And I am Sam Holt, one of the many dads from around the world on Being Dad Two. Dakota Mitchell: And we have another installment from The Being Dad Blog Series and today we’re going to talk about preparing your relationship for parenthood which I was kind of like actually I’m a little over 43 and I had a lot of friends that already had kids. So, I had a lot of this information prior to ever even thinking about having kids that my wife and I talk about but I think for a lot of guys that are going to be having kids these are some really important points to bring up. Sam Holt: Yeah. I was a complete—I was one of the first in my group of friends to have kids and so— Dakota Mitchell: You were clueless. Sam Holt: Yeah well that’s right and then you know I was one of the people who afterwards stands around six months later and say, “Why didn’t anyone tell me all this stuff before I had a kid so” Dakota Mitchell: So, I know you’ve got some very important statistics that you had right upfront. Sam Holt: Well, look I don’t know how important they are I think it’s just something to bear in mind. I mean I don’t think you want to necessarily acquire this to your own relationship. But yeah I mean the research shows 10% of all couples breakup during pregnancy and 30% of couples break up in the firsts two years of having a kid which not just shows you that the strain it puts on your relationship— Dakota Mitchell: I really think you need to be prepared and I think you know in some of the other topics or points we’ve brought up, communication is really important. Sam Holt: Yeah and making sure you got nine months from the time you find that you’re pregnant to do everything you can to get to know each other again, to understand what each other expectations are and o build that relationship nice and big and strong again. Dakota Mitchell: Yeah definitely. And one of the first questions I know was for us we’re going to raise girls and boys in the same way. And we’re on the same page in terms of how we’re going to raise our family. Sam Holt: Yeah, isn’t amazing that amount of things that you have to talk about in terms of crying and sleeping and feeding. And that’s just never crossed a guy’s mind, yeah. So, to sit down with him and talk about things like when the baby cries— Dakota Mitchell: Who takes care of him? Sam Holt: And who is going to pick him up. How long do we let him cry for. Dakota Mitchell: How are we going to change him, how are we going to discipline him, what school is he going to go to? What religion, you know sometimes— Sam Holt: Yeah and you cannot talk about that stuff now. I mean you design for head clashing you know when the baby come so I think unfortunately it’s a role that women probably have to take to sit down and instigate that conversation. Dakota Mitchell: Yeah we tend to be able— Sam Holt: She’ll be alright. Dakota Mitchell: And along with that and one of the things that we talk about is are we prepared for the relationship change and we’ll touch on that a lilt bit before but you know this is for real at this point. Sam Holt: Yeah I mean once again you know I’ve said many times I was really unprepared I think and I just didn’t understand the magnitude of the change. And anyone who thinks that their relationship won’t change, well they’re wrong. Dakota Mitchell: I would absolutely agree with you yeah. Sam Holt: And as they change up— Dakota Mitchell: Get ready to be second—as we put it in our household and that’s something I think that the women definitely need to talk about with the man. It doesn’t mean when it is going to last but you would want to take different roles when the baby comes and I think that’s the next thing that we talk about. Sam Holt: And that’s one of the really nice spots of the Being Dad DVDs, it’s listening as a father or dad to be, listening to other men talk about how they adjusted to becoming second in line. And that feeling of being on the outer a little bit is you know something that a lot of men will experience so it’s important for them to realize that it’s okay to feel like that. You know and then going crazy and it’s working out ways to deal with it and to get involved and be part of the process. Dakota Mitchell: You know like I said I want having a lot of friends that were fathers before so they told me, “Get in the thick of it.” They said, “Get involve emotionally so you’re not out of the loop.” And I think that really helped me quite a bit and actually the DVD that like some of the other guys really helped me understand that and that was something I really needed. Sam Holt: Yeah I mean convincing him to talk to his buddies who’ve got kids I think is very important. Dakota Mitchell: It was really one of the best thing that I ever did. Sam Holt: Yeah. Dakota Mitchell: And I think the last things are a lot of times we don’t know what the expectations are from our partner from our wife and sometimes it’s just the good idea for them to kind of reaffirm those things. Sam Holt: Yeah and I’ve—I mean once again we’re not going to talk about research but there’s definitely evidence that show that men believed that they’re doing a lo t more than they actually are in the house so you know draw up a chore chat and say these are the things e need to get done every week and you know here we can get some help you know and whatever. But this is what I expect you to do when the baby comes. So, it’s crystal clear in his mind, you know go and buy a rod on vacuum cleaner. But it’s important that he knows in advance what it is that you want him to do. Dakota Mitchell: Definitely, because even with that list I can tell you right now the guys still are not going to do as much as the woman does so you’re really going to try and make that as balance and even as you can and that’s something you’re going to need to talk about and just kind of set the guidelines when you are starting up how you guys are planning with the whole family experience. Sam Holt: Absolutely. Dakota Mitchell: And we’ve got and a lot more information that we update weekly on beingdadusa.com, check it out and you’ll find a lot of interesting things on that.