Break Up Confusion - Does she really want to break up?

Dan: Hey guys. First I want to say thanks for all the really great comments you guys have on the videos. And we always want to know what you think. You know, whether you agree with us or we like it when you do, but even if you don’t. If you can say in an intelligent and constructive way, it’s always appreciated. But anyway, agree or don’t agree we always wan to know what you think so always leave a comment on any of our videos, all of our videos actually. It doesn’t matter. So we’re here again with our good friend Paul Carlson who is a life coach here and else and more importantly a good interior friend. We really like Paul but you knew that. Jennifer: He’s one of the few people who can actually tolerate us. Dan: We’re going to live at that. Anyway, we have a new question here from a guy and it’s about break up confusion. This is a big one. And he says, “Dear Dan and Jennifer, my GF of two months.” Guys, Jennifer: Girlfriend. Dan: Yes, Girlfriend. Pizza time! Jennifer: Pizza’s here. Dan: That was good. That’s was really good pizza. You know what they say, “Better ingredients; better pizza.” But since we don’t have that contract of Papa John’s there, we can’t really go with the detail. Or tell you that I was or whether I was Papa John’s. Jennifer: So where were we when the doorbell rang? Dan: Right here if I’m not mistaken. You were there. You’re over there and I was here. But also we are talking about a new question. Yes, I was about to pontificate. The question of break up confusion from this guy and says, “Dear Dan and Jennifer, my GF of two months” now, he keeps telling me GF? This woman? Dude, forgive me. I know it’s cool for guys to shorten. Jennifer; You have to back up on this okay, because I shortened it when I was making the question fit on the little 4x6 card. Dan: Ah. Well. Jennifer: So pontificate at me. Dan: Deflate. No, it said if you were to do it, it is impolite to say my GF because damn, that woman’s worth more of you than just GF. At least you can say “girl friend” a lot of guys does that and they just want of those buttons, all right. Jennifer: Okay. I just now realize my Microsoft. Dan: We got pizza, we got the erroneous GF. All right, here’s the question, “My girlfriend of two moths keeps telling me that I can find someone better than her, that I don’t deserve her. She separated from her husband two to three years separated and going through divorce which seems to be a life long process.” two to three years. “And she has a two year old daughter and a place of her own” Always a good thing. Jennifer: I say when he goes get involved, the divorce can be a long process. Dan: What was this, Retirement plan? She has a two year old daughter and a place of her own. “I truly felt something special with this girl”, the mother, “and made the decision to pursue a relationship with her despite her situation.” Jennifer: The fact that she’s going through divorce and the decisions. Dan: That decision. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So I guess my question is,” deep down inside” gurgle up deep. “Deep down inside, does she really want to really wan to break up with me but doesn’t have the courage to do it herself? Sometimes, I think she wants me to do the dirty work and break up with her making it easy for her.” What to do? Confused? Jennifer: Okay. Summarize it, because that was so? I cannot follow the question. Dan: The girl keeps saying, “Oh, you’re too good for me. I do not know that I deserve you. I don’t deserve you.” All this crap, which is just a psychological— Jennifer: So, he is trying to figure out or she is just want to break up and she does not have the courage to say it. Dan: Yeah. It is not that she is saying, “Oh my God, I got to wash my hair again and again and we can’t go out tomorrow either because I’m washing my hair again.” No, it is like “Oh, I don’t deserve you, you’re so good.” So, I’m sorry the long version Paul. What do you think? Jennifer: We dump the hard stuff on Paul. Paul Carlson: I think it is time to take a breath. Dan: Zen moment. Jennifer: Round up from the carbs from the pizza. Dan: Better ingredients, better pizza. Paul Carlson: it was a good pizza. Dan: It was. Paul Carlson: She is just playing her options you know. She does not know. Look, if it is taking that long to break up there must be a part of them that is holding on. Jennifer: Yes. Paul Carlson: It is usually its like if it is really bad, you just wanted it over so you can get on with your life. Dan: And that is one spouse. One sign the papers. Paul Carlson: Well, this is true but is it her? Jennifer: And sometimes holding on probably. Dan: Good point. Good point. Paul Carlson: And the thing here is that she has got to single on with this guy and she obviously cares for him. But you know, she’s... Jennifer: It sounds like some guilt or something. I do not know. Paul Carlson: Well, yeah. Jennifer: Something. Dan: No. did this guy. This self-negative self-talk to other is certainly not healthy, “Oh I don’t deserve you.” And all this stuff. That just does not see that being a healthy behavior. Paul Carlson: Well, that’s. No. but that is not unusual you know for women in our culture to have low esteem. I mean our culture; you know many different parts of culture beat them down all the time. So that’s not unheard of and it could be that that’s you know family conditioning from her childhood. But she’s playing the odd. She is just stringing along you know and if she wanted it over, she would have just finished it. And if she wanted him to really have it over, and for him to take the lead, she would have been pretty clear about it. She would have done something was so bad that he just say, “This isn’t worth it. It’s over.” So she’s just stringing you along and that’s okay if you’re willing to play that game. There’s nothing wrong with that. Doesn’t make you a lesser man or anything like that. What you are doing is you are recognizing that she has a real problem here and that you are giving her the space. Jennifer: Okay. Paul Carlson: Like a timeout to try to find out what what is really going on. We do not really have enough information to know if it is like she’s still maybe trying to put it back together. Dan: Sure. Jennifer: Right you do not know. Paul Carlson: With the former husband or her husband whatever. Jennifer: N, he says it is a long on going divorce. Dan: And it is always he said, she said anyway. I mean— Paul Carlson: So— Jennifer: I think there are three sides to every story. It is okay. Dan: Sometime four. Paul Carlson: Yeah. If you are willing to put up with this, stick if she really wants her over. Make her say it does over you know. But if you’re tired of it, do the relationship end and move on. There are more people out there. 6.7 billion of us and counting. Dan: Maybe them girls. Paul Carlson: Yeah. And the thing is that she may just not know what to do at all. She maybe so immersed in all this stuff that she is polarized. She cannot move, she can’t make up her mind, she can’t do anything. Again, you know, you can choose to just give her the space and the time that she needs to come to her own conclusion or do what you do. Jennifer: Make your own decision. Paul Carlson: Do what you do. It’s either way, it’s okay because you know if you do break up with her this time will pass and you’ll find someone else. And if you don’t break up with her, well, maybe that’s what she 7:06 a little bit to know that you’re not going to abandon her. Just making a point to find out are you going to abandon her. I do not know. Jennifer: Yeah. Dan: Good luck.