Jennifer: This question is from Dan in Michigan. Did you submit this question?
Dan: No, I did not.
Jennifer: Are you sure?
Dan: How would not use a fake name?
Jennifer: No way. When I see the topic I know he did not submit those.
Dan: Oh, come on.
Jennifer: Ready? Dear Dan and Jennifer: I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now and we decided to refrain from sex until marriage. You would explode.
Dan: Nothing wrong with that, it is just not my deal.
Jennifer: Yes. But the lack of sex is not the problem like I said. The main problem I see is that we are lacking intimacy.
Dan: Yes.
Jennifer: For example, we have not really ever made out our fooled around. We started to make out once but then all of a sudden like something click in our head and she stop abruptly. Since then, I tried a few more times to make a move and make out with her but every time she just seem to have this defense mechanism that kicks in. I was wonder if you have any advice for me to be able to overcome this hurdle or if you have some tips for us to try and make our relationship to be a little bit more intimate without actual sex. This all depends on the definition of sex and all that kind of stuff,
Dan: Yes.
Jennifer: But I am thinking he is talking intercourse.
Dan: Straight, simple, to the point. Yes!
Jennifer: Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time. Dan.
So, the first thing I thought of when I heard this is just a classic thing and I heard a quote somewhere notorious for this quotes that I cannot remember where I heard. But this one was something like women need intimacy to want sex and men need sex to want intimacy. So, but it almost sound like his definition of intimacy might even be a little different than.
Dan: Yes.
Jennifer: What that says. His physical activity without intercourse.
Dan: Yes and he is saying something click while they are making out. Now, do not think us in our head but she is started getting excited what I really can she started getting and freak.
Jennifer: Yes.
Dan: Because, oh, my God; that 10 seconds from not being able to control myself. You know and,
Jennifer: Girls get that way too, believe it or not.
Dan: Yes, I was start thinking if I did ever been there but I do not remember.
Jennifer: No, no, not in that situation.
Dan: No, I do not think I have. Okay. Anyway, but she seems to freak out when she start getting excited. I mean, that was said out to me and she is afraid that is going to lead to sex for the moment, you know. You are there, it is
Jennifer: These are moment.
Dan: Slippage, it can happen, you know, and she does not trust herself be able to stop unless she stops right then.
Jennifer: And she does not trust you either, right. She does not trust that that the two of you can stop.
Dan: Yes and so she put the breaks on and pour some cold water fast.
Jennifer: Yes. So, basically she needs to feel safe for this to work. She needs to know that you are going to fool around and is not going to any further. So, I mean our recommendation on that area is talk. Talk overcomes a lot of things. Talk about boundaries. Talk about where how far does she feel comfortable going. I mean, have you guys ever talk about that. You know, what in your definition of abstinence, what is okay and what is not okay, you know. Maybe you inveterately cross the line that she thought was going too far. So, in the talk about those things what is okay and what is not okay and I think should help at least make our feel little bit more safe.
Dan: Yes.
Jennifer: And respect the boundaries that you talk about. If she says, “You need to stop at this point.” Then guess what? You need to be a man and stop at that point.
Dan: Yes. And even if you think you are not comfortable talking about this stuff. You really need to go over that.
Jennifer: Time to get comfortable.
Dan: Time to get comfortable otherwise you are not going to fooling around.
Jennifer: Yes.
Dan: Anyway. An interesting point to consider and okay, abstinence is the difficult under the best of circumstances an
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