Competitive Moms

Ingrid Tarrant: You know although moms meeting in total groups are a very good thing. It is also a breeding ground for fierce competition as instead of oh my baby took its first step the other day and you are into thinking oh mine couldn’t instead of mine can say momma and you think mine cant. So then you start to -- what you start to worry. Then you think that why is my child different. Why hasn’t my child done that and particularly if your child is the last one, every week or every day you meet up with the moms and everything and suddenly its like oh mine did, few days after yours did. Oh! Mine still hasn’t. I think it’s a horrible, horrible situation. Every child develops a different rate. One might walk quicker. My daughter, my second child walked at ten months which is very, very young. But she didn’t talk until much later. But as my son didn’t walk till 15 months. But he was talking when he was one of the size saying car and ford and all that sort of things. So they all develop at different rates, but you feel goshful if theirs are doing that, mine should be doing that too. Horrible. Rachel Royce: Isn’t it also a potential way of picking up problems if they are not problems. If you had not had a baby before and you may be your baby is partially deaf or dumb and you don’t know when they start talking it might be a difficult thing to have other mothers pointing out that -- Ingrid Tarrant: Absolutely, in theory going to the baby clinic and things like that. They are doing those tests and -- you could turn neurotic. Your baby is two months old and suddenly you are suffering neurotic because you think, oh it didn’t do this, oh god it hasn’t done that. It’s not feeding properly; it’s not the color of the -- color. Now it’s not doing this. It stops very -- Rachel Royce: My sister daughter always pick things up. I have certain experience in my mother’s crèche where one of the women’s baby looked so sick and we were all saying, you got to go the hospital. That baby was, this wasn’t moving. I said I have been to the doctor twice. He says there is nothing wrong. I am really worried about -- hospital again. Just take her straight to emergency because we could see this baby look like having -- The baby died and her doctor hadn’t picked up on it and thank god for the mother’s grace, because we were all like no baby should live like that. I think sometimes whole concern of the other mothers can help. It’s a very extreme case, but I don’t think doctors always do pick -- Cheryl Baker: There is a difference between concerns. I mean concern -- is a good thing but competition is horrible. Ingrid Tarrant: -- because they are kind of go -- Cheryl Baker: And they put their babies in designer clothes as if the baby cares. You know as if the baby cares. Rachel Royce: And they will dress up to come to the mom and -- Ingrid Tarrant: Sometimes in the morning honestly I would drop my children off in my dressing gown. I have a dressing gown overcoat on top, slipper on my feet ..bye bye. All these mothers and they didn’t have to get out of the car but they did, because it was like sort of fashion show. It’s like they got a bye darling and then they come back and collect them at the end of the day at school. And they have changed again and they have got another outfit on them -- thank god my dressing gown and I worry so -- I do very practical. So the competition is through the children and themselves. Mara Lee: It even starts when you are pregnant and shopping for the right equipment like this, this concern for the right equipment -- and people buying 600 pound, the label on it. I think that really set in on the right bottles. It’s all very I am doing the best things for my child, because look Rachel Royce: I am just sort of embarrassed about not having a -- because I felt embarrassed and my father -- it was a silver cross and my husband went oh isn’t that great. But I did feel embarrassed walking around with this crown. Ingrid Tarrant: How does it make you feel bad? Did you feel we are looking good, that’s last year’s. Rachel Royce: And I sort of felt my motherhood wasn’t being praised enough by the fact that my husband would buy me expensive things and all the other mothers have expensive things. I felt like, its sort of a -- thing and buys expensive things for the baby and if you are going to bit cherished. Ingrid Tarrant: May be that’s the thing. You couldn’t feel sort of noticed all worthy so may be that’s the thing as well, sort of this child. I must do everything to make the child worthy. That child is worth that and everything. Is it not stupid. I now remember this baby book. It had everything in it to know about babies in the age one to three. I had to say that was three years old I founded. But it was said if a baby comes to the world if you haven’t got a card, put them in a draw. It was literally that. Cheryl Baker: -- was in a suitcase because of the courage they had. But talking about the competition not even competition being made to feel that you are inadequate because my children with the advent of what they call stick on , yeah almost sort of thing. Ingrid Tarrant: Disposable. Cheryl Baker: Thank You. Thanks. Disposable napkins. I think that’s what belongs to the baby and thinking that its okay is in the middle of the night because I am not going to feel uncomfortable, because it’s all soaked up. So that does seem to be now later again. I am not -- napkins being dried, that’s my theory. That’s my theory. Ingrid Tarrant: Well, it’s a brilliant theory. It makes absolute sense. Cheryl Baker: But my another pair of good parents that my children might be feel terrible because they said you may not dry it . you have still put napkins on pamper and things on them. And I though terrible. I thought if at 12 my kid because I haven’t waned them off -- Ingrid Tarrant: It’s another pressure. Another pressure on motherhood and then you then impose on your child. Also the other thing is with working moms. And I have to say it. in an ideal world we shouldn’t work. We really shouldn’t because we haven’t got times to do those things and that’s where children, because your theory is brilliant about that and they discomfort of being wet. They will not do it with these new nappies. But all that is time consuming. It does take and it’s much quick. Oh I haven’t got time to -- you know it’s a time waste. But if you like oh let them -- happen. Rachel Royce: If the competition gets worse as the kids get older with the other mothers kind of like how well they are doing at school or. Ingrid Tarrant: They are likely to get worse between themselves and there starts to kicking because they suddenly get fright conscious. Sort of like the train is brilliant to have uniform at least at schools. But there are other things that do come in to it like it might have a really fantastic pen say in the classroom. So it starts yes with the mothers competing with each other sort of bragging about their babies and it gets, it moves. Yeah, I think it’s the whole way through.