Evan Marc Katz Dating Coach.
Jen: So, what is the rule if there is one sex on the first date or no sex on the first date it is really hard to know?
Evan: I think that we need to avoid rules, first of all. You can have tons of experts saying, “here is the rule” and it is 3 dates or it is 5 dates or at 1 month and—it is not about that, it is about assessing what works for you and so, if you are one, probably sex in the first date is not a good idea, not because it is not fun but because man have double standards. They might agree to sex but they might hold the fact that they are having sex against you which is not really fair but it happens. So your goal as woman is not to figure out whether you want to have sex or whether you could handle the consequences of sex.
If you get together with a guy and he never calls again, you have to be able to handle that, whether that is on date 1 or date 10.
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Is he interested in sex or in you?
Evan: You have to understand, is he interested in sex or interested in you. And so if you understand that he is interested in you, then you have to ask yourself once you know that he is interested in you and not sex, can I handle the consequences of having sex and this is not turning in to a relationship. And if you can not handle the consequences, then you say, I am not going to have sex until I am in a committed relationship. And a committed relationship could happen after the first date, some people have that magic but you have to protect your self as a woman, do not worry about what he wants.
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Do you want to “get lucky” or be lucky in love?
Evan: If you are a guy and you got the ability to walk away and say “no”, it gives you incredible power. Not just for the whole reversal thing which you know—obviously, the women are going to say “huh, what”, but, it is your thinking of the future, you are not thinking of the present and that instinct gratification thing often kills relationship where, you might jump in to back because the attraction is incredible and you wake up the next morning and say, “Oh my God, what have I done, I do not like her, I do not even know her” and things go wrong because we gave in to that instinct gratification.
So I think for guys, if you want to have real power in a relationship, assess whether this is a person you really want to be in a relationship with before you sleep with her, and she is going to respect the hell out of you.
Jen: I was going to go back to that it is about a woman feeling respected and that will definitely get you a second date.
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The morning after…
Evan: Always start that neuralgic questions, “Why did not you call me, why did not he call me because I have sex with him”, but it is a win-win situation, I am not having sex on the first date at the same spot.
Evan: Not even having sex on the first date, not having sex until you know where your relationship is heading and it takes some will power but there is a lot of fun stuff you could do—you are not left with nothing if you are refusing to have sex, I have a girlfriend way up 2 and a half months, because I did not know if I was ready to commit to her and she might have said, “Well, I can handle and I am a big girl”.
Well, I do not necessary want the next o-f sleeping with you and then breaking up with you that quickly like unless I am sure, and I feel good about moving forward, it easier for me to avoid any potential heart breaks and pullback a little bit, I think most of my clients my male clients have implemented that and they find that they have amazing results just by saying “no”.
Female: That is great, I think it comes to, to get what you project, I believe. And if you project a sense of confidence in the first date to the second date or the third date, part of that is understanding each other and enjoying each other without the sex.
Evan: Yes, when you talk about confidence let us say act like you have been there before, if you are the guy who said, “Oh my God, sex please…”
Jen: It is not sexy…
Evan: Come on, we are probably around the same age, could you picture the fans doing that? The fans do not do that…
Jen: No.
Evan: No, it is just like, you are confident enough that it will happen when you-wanted it to happen, when you are both on the same page, you do not have to rush it and when you do, it has even more meaning and there is less of the likelihood that the whole is going to blow up in your face.
Jen: Are you saying that your clients are typically 38 to 55? So, sex is not the tops of the agenda. You said that most of them want to get married, so you are looking at a long-term relationship, so that is looking at the entire picture?
Evan: Yes, and listen, there is value to someone who is recently divorced and just wants a date and it is not ready for a relationship, that is okay too but still, whether you are a man or a woman, you are playing with some else’s heart.
And I think that a lot of people sort of turn that side off and say, “What do I want and what are my needs”
With a partnership, you are always thinking of someone else’s needs.
Jen: You better start the partnership in the beginning.
Evan: If that is what you are looking for and there is nothing wrong casual sex, it is like caught you in all that stuff. If that is what you are looking for, great, go, it is fun but if you are serious about a relationship, you probably best of holding out until you know where the relationship is headed.
Jen: Great advice from Evan Mark Katz, keep watching www.peoplejam.com for more.
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