Dealing With Your Ex

Audra Lowe: Well, how is your relationship with your ex a lot of people have at least one ex in their lives it could be ex-spouse, an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend or even an and ex-friend but a lot of people don't really know how to deal with the relationship afterwards. Heather Belle and Michelle Flordaliso are coauthors of everything that you ever wanted to know about your ex and they're both here in the studio to help us unlock the handcuffs and break free from our past literally sometimes you have to break free right. Welcome to the show ladies and you guys have a book out that is talking about your ex have to come up with this idea, where to get the information to do something like this. Heather Belle: Well Michelle and I are both therapist so we heard about a lot and we have a lot of personal experience, I have more ex than I probably should and I'm a divorced mother of four or any sort of was also seeing a man who had kind of a harem of exes in his life that we're making these sort of insecure and a little like off my game. And I just thought my god like this is everywhere. Audra Lowe: Right it sounds like the book is a lot about you know how to figure out yourself after you broken up with someone, right. Not so much about your ex but how do you deal with moving on right. Michelle Flordaliso: Yeah it's, it's for after the break up not when you're in the throes of being upset and wondering what went wrong, its for the every day, day in day out interactions with these people. Do you friends then on Facebook, do you chat with them, do still get together for coffee and what are the ramifications of doing that. Audra Lowe: And I know you guys differ on this particular question but can you really be friends with your ex. Who said yes, who say no? Michelle Flordaliso: I would say yes. Heather Belle: And I say no. Audra Lowe: And why is that. Michelle Flordaliso: And then we've sort of switch though, I've become more conservative and she's become a little while liberals in the process writing the book. So we really found at a meeting ground don’t you think. Heather Belle: I think you mean, I find that its is impossible when Michelle and I talked about this to go from intimate partners to friends, I mean. How many of your friends have you actually been intimate with, if you really think about it? And probably none, so it just makes complicated and so I think define it as that relationship as it is just naïve and ends up creating a lot havoc. Audra Lowe: And speaking of havoc you guys thought about having sex with your ex. Did you say it's a big no, no question. Why is that make things even more complicated? Michelle Flordaliso: Yeah, and Nicky just do it and we say just don’t that’s wouldn’t lead to good thing. Audra Lowe: Okay, all right you also have some signs there that 10 signs that you're not just friends. And one of them as if he still pushes your buttons meaning. Heather Belle: Meaning he just drives you insane you want to run him over with a car that you know the first thing you hear when he calls is like you know I want scream and scratch your eyes out or— Michelle Flordaliso: You're still jealous or I mean it usually means that there's something unresolved if they're still triggering a big emotional reaction out of you. Audra Lowe: And you even mention if you hide your contact that you have with him that like an embarrassing that you don't want to have other people to see. Michelle Flordaliso: Yeah, like you don’t want your friends and to know how often you tweet or text or email. Audra Lowe: Okay. Heather Belle: A lot of people sort of have interactions that they're not really even acknowledging do you know what I mean, they have all these exes in their life and they're not even sort of conscious of the fact that they're, holding onto the passed. In other sort of tethered to all the stuff and then when you're trying to meet somebody new or moved forward you can’t. Audra Lowe: And still holding on right. Heather Belle: Yeah, and your holding on something complicated or you're looking for safety and something that's not safe because it's over. Audra Lowe: You guys also cling to phrase and it's called “Exing, what does that mean? Michelle Flordaliso: Well exing is being addicted to your past relationships and we found that an addiction to an ex can have a lot of the same physical and psychological properties as addiction to say cocaine or cigarettes you're exign if you. Keep looking at page on Facebook, if you keep retelling the story over and over again. Or if you had sex with your ex even though you don’t want to be with them anymore, but the good news is— Heather Belle: Yeah, I mean you, I mean like any addiction we have a 12 step program that we, we create is really help you break the habit. Michelle Flordaliso: Right to break free, right. Heather Belle: Yeah, because— Audra Lowe: Good book you guys have a lot of good information in there it's good to have the two perspectives as well stick around I want to see you think about this particular story coming up. There's a lot of lessons that you guys can also learn about what your ex, you know reveals about you what really makes you crazy by picking up their book it's called “Everything that you always wanted to know about your ex” and is available now. Okay so speaking of exes Comfort food something that a lot of people use to get through the break up so here's a few favorites that we found apparently you're sad about the break up, popcorn helps to get the aggression out. Pizza is the ultimate cheesy comfort food and a lot of people like melt debris on the baguette and if you have more about salty craving maybe the relationship with salty you're supposed to crunch on some tortilla chips and guacamole that apparently does the trick. And lastly don’t forget the chocolate during your healing we always hear a lot about that but let's say you're happy about breaking up you're celebrating it. We'll typically if you aren't happy about it people turned to pasta type food, they load up greasy burgers and fries and chow down on cupcakes. What do you guys think about that? Michelle Flordaliso: Its normal to use. Heather Belle: Were just getting this in when there is whole, I'm like, I'm chow down. Audra Lowe: Yeah. Michelle Flordaliso: I mean its totally to use food as comfort during a break up we don’t recommend it because on top of all the really uncomfortable feelings that go along with the break up. The last thing you want to do is have gained 10 pounds. Heather Belle: Exactly you got to look great so that your ex can see you looking even better.