Discussing Sex After Birth

Rachel Royce: Well, sex after you have had a baby. I mean my husband's solution was just to go off and have it with somebody else; it was living in a sad story. I suppose - it does happen, doesn't it. A lot of men, I think go off their wives when they are pregnant and they just don't find the whole thing attractive and-- Cherly Baker: At some point some thinks it's wonderful and others they find it quite-- Rachel Royce: Frightening! Cherly Baker: Yeah. Rachel Royce: As soon as they are there at the birth, I kind of wish my husband hadn't been there at the birth because I think the whole scene, he found it so traumatic. He said it was a like scene from platoon -- to go anywhere near me. Mara Lee: So you think that the birth scene changed his attitude to you as a sexual being. Rachel Royce: -- as a sexual being anymore. It was certainly this you know, mother who was about to explode and leak blood every where. It must have been must very traumatic for him. Ingrid Tarrant: You know it's like I suppose, it's like when they see you breasting feeding, somebody is like, you know, your tits are kind of like a sexual asset and everything and suddenly that is sort of they are milk bottles. They sort of see it different -- So what's the answer then? Should slight say don't watch the birth and keep it all a mystery? Cherly Baker: We kind of now expect them to be there. And perhaps they should be, it's their options if they don't want to. But then you see - if my husband hadn't been there, I'd have been upset, I'd have felt that he didn't want to be there which is true, he wouldn't have. Ingrid Tarrant: Be there but don't look! Mara Lee: Yeah! I mean, I'll guess what? Yeah the thing is, that the scene is, you know, if you end up you can steer up some of the episiotomies. Ingrid Tarrant: Exactly and it was a baby coming out, you know covered in blood and the mucous and all the rest, I mean even that's probably a little bit sort of scary and if you haven't seen it kind of arrive -- Mara Lee: And I think they are a bit daunted. I mean it is that old thing too, if it gets that big, is it going to -- Ingrid Tarrant: How can I possibly compete? Mara Lee: There maybe that I think there is some truth in that as well. I mean -- Rachel Royce: They worry; I mean I think, I would've worried about how is this would feel afterwards as well. Cherly Baker: Well apart from that, yes, apart from how they felt, I just didn't want to have sex afterwards. Ingrid Tarrant: When they come out, when you are lying there in some hospital, you have got all sort of stitches, and he says, now have you consider contraception. Yeah, just not doing it! Isn't it so untimely though? Rachel Royce: I think that is the danger though isn't it because we had our two babies very close together and we didn't mean to but I think the thing is when you start having sex again, it's such a surprise, you forget about contraception. Cherly Baker: I was terrified. I was scared. I am sure there a lot of women who are afraid to have sex. Mara Lee: Yeah I was very nervous because I had stitches as lots of women do and you are always worried that something is going to, pop or break or whatever that, I mean I think what did they say, six weeks after you had your baby you can. I remember we tried it, but this went, forget it, this isn't I think it's all too -- Rachel Royce: Also you are tired as well, aren't you? Mara Lee: That is it, if you had a choice, sleep or sex, what would you choose? Ingrid Tarrant: It's always like your body was invaded by this fat growing baby. You just want your body to yourself almost, don't you? it's like no, nothing and no poking around -- but you know I think there might be a difference as well between men and women who have, the pregnancy is an unintentional one and then it's the fear that sort of like we didn't want that one, we can't do it again in case we have another accident. And I think that most of it affects men and women, if the men didn't wanted and she got pregnant or vice-versa. Mara Lee: Yeah that's true. I am just thinking back and I have to say all it was to me was that sleep actually; it wasn't so much fear of having sex again. It was just that I used to pretend felling sleep or trying to go at bed at different time so you getting out and like, it's actually on the shoulder -- because it was just, I just wanted to sleep more than anything else. Rachel Royce: I don't know if my experience is something a lot of women have. I did have a very difficult birth and more stitches than anyone would want to know about and I was quite worried about having sex again, how it'd feel. But what got us back together again to be intimate was he took me away for a weekend and all my worries about, oh I might need surgery before I can have sex again, all of those, I was kind of seriously thinking about it, what took it to lie down there and how awful is it. He took me away for a lovely romantic weekend again and we started to having sex again and I think often that's solve the problem -- Ingrid Tarrant: What a good idea, that is great. It sounds perfect, doesn't it? In fact the mother's role has gone; you are back to how you were before children. Yeah and it is very good. That's a lovely idea. Rachel Royce: And a friend of mine had the same experience. She said she was feeling really peculiar about having sex again and worrying about what she looked like and her husband took her off to Vienna for the weekend and they were sorted, they didn't need to go to the hospital for surgery. Cherly Baker: But I wonder if that -- because they must think the same, the guys must think the same, I wonder what she looks like, I wonder if she -- if you can feel the sentiments, because they probably, we go through this kind of trauma, and I bet they do as well. Although mine came out with a summary of a late caesarian. Rachel Royce: And actually whether it's easier to women who have had caesarians to think about having sex again because you don't have that fear what is it like. Cherly Baker: No you don't except, I have got this horrible fold where the scare is and I can't get rid of it and I felt grow tensed afterwards. After I had given birth, I still and I felt that beached whale and I didn't felt attractive. So my husband -- Ingrid Tarrant: It's not just kind of life that's perfect. It's your whole body, it's like the huge boobs, and like the flabby floppy stomach and everything, it's not feeling good about yourself as most entirely. Mara Lee: That's true, I mean I don't know about you but when I was pregnant, I felt great and I ate healthily and I felt like I never -- you know it's really that blooming time and I felt really attractive and, it was lovely -- like new girlfriend, blooming and lovely and ripe too, sort of leaking and flabby and addicted and so -- maybe it's a little bit in our own mind it's what that maybe we are not as desirable, always desiring. Rachel Royce: I mean let's face it maybe we are not, my husband ran off with somebody else. Maybe we are not as desirable when we -- physically the sentries if it is, you know honestly. Mara Lee: I remember and - maybe there is short time, I remember after having my daughter, just that a year or so and I looked better than I ever had before, I lost some weight and I am so, well I have got everything, I have got this young baby on my hip bump, you know, just I think I was still under, just under 30 or something and I have thought, you know, I had a great haircut and I everything -- I actually felt, more attractive than I ever had before because I had definitely in gear and I was fertile after it. Cherly Baker: Very in now, isn't it? You just own a baby but you know when you sort of have gone away for weekend, I think now my children are eleven, I think from the time that you have your children, you give your life to them, you do I mean you try and fit it with your own life but actually most everything you do, every decision you make, you have to consider the children first and Steve and I, now, even to this day, do have little breaks on our own, even for a long weekend and you do need it and that's when we rediscover our sex life. Ingrid Tarrant: Yes and why you fell in love with that person at the first, exactly, it's absolutely vital. Cherly Baker: Because for that couple of days, you are not giving all your attention to your kids, you don't have to think of them before, you make the next decision. You know I make sure my sister looks after them or someone that I trust. Ingrid Tarrant: Yes you can be completely irresponsible, you can stay out till night, you can sort of -- anything... Rachel Royce: I tell you what, being in the middle of the divorce, I have kind of you know, I have got my sex life back, it was something else, because you know my husband has the kids, every other weekend, I feel like I am in my twenties again. Ingrid Tarrant: Of course! You have got your freedom every weekend. Rachel Royce: yeah because it's like oh wow, we are going to go to the disco -- Mara Lee: You know the other trick is that, the mid day nap, you know when they get fairly lovely age, at about 12 months to 16 months and they sleep for two hours during the day. I remember that became the period of afternoon delight really. They nap and off you go so it's funny, I have felt that for us it changed everything, it wasn't night time; it wasn't early morning, and lovely leisurely Sunday morning. It was nap time. Other than nap time -- Ingrid Tarrant: It unusual as they so I can feel really naughty, then its nice stealing that moment. Cherly Baker: I said if any of you have been surprised by the children coming in mid flow Rachel Royce: Yes. Ingrid Tarrant: Once, once! I don't know what hey saw. Have you then? Cherly Baker: Yeah and there has been both of them and they were still at the either side of the bed and you don't know because you are kind of busy and otherwise engaged and suddenly these little faces that appeared, at the time didn't know what was going on, thankfully. And they go mommy, can I have a drink, and you are Uh! And Steve, it was the thing -- the great thing was feeling Steve from that, go to that. Hysterical!