Emotional Infidelity in Relationships

Welcome to another installment of MoreMojo or watchmojo.com, I am your host Tray Moore. So, what I am here to talk to you about today is the difference between physical and emotional cheating. So, we all know what the physical is. It's doing something with somebody that you shouldn't be doing. Right, okay fine. So, what's emotional cheating? Well, emotional cheating is essentially having emotions for someone that you shouldn't be having emotions for. Now believe it or not, it seems that emotional cheating is a bigger deal for woman than physical cheating is. But the flip side the coin is, men have more of a problem with physical cheating than emotional cheating. So how do we reconcile it, who's right and who's wrong? Well, I am going to tell you, it works this way. A relationship is about choices. You choose to be involved with someone and everyday you make that choice over and over and over again and that's the problem with physical cheating. It's a breach of that choice, it's a breach of the commitment because you stopped making the choice, and that's what the commitment is. The commitment is to keep making that choice no matter what happens. The emotional cheating is where things go a little bit into the gray area. Now, think about it, you don't have control over your emotions. That's what an emotion is. It's separate from your reason. Reason is about choosing, reason is about thinking things true. Emotions, they are rational by definition, you have no choice in the matter. So what happens when you find out that you don't have much emotional fidelity, well there is not much you can do about it, you can choose to act on it or you can choose not to act on it, that's where the trouble comes in. But I am warning you now guys, when it comes to emotional cheating, chances are, your woman is going to care more about that than the physical side. She might not forgive you for the physical, but from what I understand, there is a much better chance to forgive the physical cheating over the emotional cheating. Now here is the problem with this ladies, it does come down to a choice, and guys don't get to choose the way they feel. So sure, maybe they shouldn't be hanging around with that somebody but they can't help the way they feel. Now, of course, they can choose not to hang around people but let's face it, that's just not practical. You are going to go through life and you are going to meet people and chances are sooner or later you are going to develop feelings for that someone else. Now that doesn't necessarily have to be a problem, after all, we all have emotional needs on so many different levels that you can't ever expect one person to fill them all. The flip side of that coin is you can be so presumptuous and egocentric to assume that you are going to be able to be after someone's everything. Now I realize that is obviously the ideal, that's what we are striving for, it's what romantic comedies are based on, but we don't live in the movies, we live in real life. So what do you got to do when you catch your partner emotionally cheating? Well, simple, you caught them, you know it's there, it's going to be excruciating. Chances are it's going to be more excruciating and to find out that they have too much drink and made a bad decision along the way. Even for you guys, chances are, if you find out your woman has been emotionally cheating, you are probably not going to be as vivid as if she physical cheated, but you are probably going to be just as emotionally devastated. So, how do you deal with it, well stop, talk to them. Find out how this came to happen. Now, of course, once the cat is out of the bag, they are going to have to stop seeing that person, they are going to have stop being friends to that person. But it's really something you have to learn to forgive them on; don't forgive them for the physical cheating, that's cool, they made a bad choice, they stopped making a choice. That you can't let slide, if you don't want to let it slide, but the emotional cheating, if you really love them, you got to stop and think, what happened, so sit down and ask them, talk it out. Now chances are people change, their lives change, they become as part for their lives, and you know, you just won't be able to relate with them on every level. So this is where you are going to make connections with other people but again they had no choice. There is nothing they can do about it, it's just a fact of life. Now, of course, if someone emotionally cheated once, you are going to be worried that they are probably going to emotional cheat again. Well, here is the thing. Everyone has got to emotionally cheat over and over and over again. We are social creatures, we go through life and we thrive on a relationship for the people. There is no way around that and to expect them and to go to their life and just invest solely in one person, is entirely unhealthy. That's why we have friends and that's why we have family. Now along the lines of emotional cheating, look at it this way. To emotionally cheat on someone you are truly and definitely in love with, well then you have to be truly and definitely love with someone else, otherwise it's just a whimsical crush. This isn't necessarily a conflict, you can be in love with two people at the same time but you can be also in love with two different people for two different sets of reasons. They are both for fulfilling part of you in different ways. What matters is what they do with these feelings that they don't have a choice on? What they choose to do? They didn't choose to feel that way. How they choose to deal with it is another question altogether. Now, perfect case scenario, they choose to not act it physically. This is ideally what you are going for. If they act on it physically, cut them loose, they are not worth your time. However, what happens when they can't choose to stop seeing the person anymore? What happens when they work with them or the person is a neighbor? It's someone that they are going to see over and over and over again, well, this is what you have to bear in mind. If they could have made the choice, do not take it to the next level. And you have got to trust them to keep making that choice over and over and over again because you can't expect them to choose the way they feel. It's unreasonable, you are asking to lie to you and you are asking to lie to themselves and then you are just turning your relationship into web of lies. It's an ugly situation. So, if you ever find yourself in this situation, stop, sit down and talk to them. You are going to get upset. Chances are you are already upset, you are going to get more upset. So go somewhere public, don't do it over drinks, drinks tend to let things get out of control. Go for a cup of coffee, do it somewhere public where you are not screened by privacy, where things aren't going to get explosive and out of hand and try to get to the room at the time. Once you understand, why that special someone is finding something else in someone else. Well, then you just -- you are now in a position to give them what that someone else has been giving them all along and hopefully the problem goes away. If it doesn't, still no reason to call or quit. If they remain physically loyal, what do you have. You have a human being, that's what you have. Someone who is still going to rely on other people to help them feel emotionally and psychologically and socially. It's just the way things are. So, next time you catch a special someone ogling, don't forget, find out what it is. Hey! maybe it's just a hot body walking by, maybe it is a special someone. But if it's not wearing on your relationship, if it's not compromising that commitment to make a choice to choose you day after, day after, day, well then things are still okay and they can be solved. So, that's the skinny on physical and emotional cheating. This is Tray Moore, on MoreMojo and you have been watching watchmojo.com.