Her Mother Is Ruining Our Relationship

Jennifer: Hey guys, we’re sitting here with Paul Carlson today. He’s a life coach here in Dallas and way more than that to us guys, okay. He’s our friend and our mentor and he has a lot of things to tell you so make sure you listen to what Paul has to say. And by the way, thanks for all the great comments you guys have been given us. We always want to know what you have to say, whether you agree with us or not, we want to know what you think. So watch the video and then leave your comment afterwards. Okay, ready for the next question, Paul? Paul Carlson: Sure. Jennifer: Okay. Is it worth it? I’ve been in a relationship for the past eight years. I’m 28 and she’s 29. Three years ago, we had a daughter and about a year later, the relationship is like a car going 200 mile an hour backwards. The problem may not be what you think. My first thought when I read this was having a baby and I think that cause problems but here’s the problem. Her mother, who has recently came back into her life. Apparently, she has been absent until now. She’s taking over the relationship, making me miserable. Nothing I say or do seems to matter. It’s gotten to the point where I worked from 7:30 in the morning until nine at night just to stay away from the house. When it comes to sex, I’m not even going to mention that. I’ve actually tried to leave many times but for my daughter’s sake, I’ve change my mind. Can you tell me how I should approach this situation? It’s a shame to live like this. Paul Carlson: How long ago did you say that the mother came back in? Jennifer: Recently. It only says, recently. Now this question was longer so I do have a little bit more of the history but you know apparently, her mother was not there, lived in another country and her mother has recently, I would if I had to guess, say within the last year or so moved back. She’s gotten involved in her daughter’s life again. Paul Carlson: Well, you got a situation here where if her mother wasn’t in her life, she’s probably fantasized for most of her life about having her mother in her life. She felt abandoned and then those are pretty strong feelings that can extrapolate out into all kinds of future behavior of future relationship problems when you have heavy abandonment issues. I would look at this from the standpoint of the mother is coming in there and obviously, influencing the daughter in her thought patterns and what’s acceptable, blah, blah, blah. So, this mother, at least by this comment has not been in her life very long but she’s been involved with this man for nine years, she’s got three kids with them. Do the math. Jennifer: I don’t know if there’s three kids but yeah they’ve been together for a long time. Paul Carlson: Do the math, how many kids? Do the math. Which one do you have invested relationship and interest in and this mother just kind of comes out of the blue and I understand her wanting to have her mother back in her life but you know, you’ve got nine years— Jennifer: She’s taken over. Paul Carlson: You’ve got nine years with this guy and you’ve only got a short time with the mother and the mother is the one creating the problems, what do you do? What would you do? I mean, come on. Jennifer: Oh, I would absolutely be with my partner because yeah, my best friend, my partner, you know I have a similar situation in my family. I mean just to share a little bit. You know my dad wasn’t around when I was growing up, when I was about 28, he came back. But he came back with realistic expectations. He’s like, look, I know I screwed up. Can we just try to be friends or something? And we have. We’ve done a very good job with that but I can't imagine letting him come in and take over everything and start pretending as if they were there all along you know. Paul Carlson: Yeah, to me, when you’re talking about a significant other, hopefully, that’s a lifetime relationship. The mother, she just came in and God bless her for coming back into her daughter’s life but I wouldn’t let that kind of a situation ran by relationship with my significant other. That does— Jennifer: So, how does he deal with her? I mean he’s the victim in this. How does he get a word and it was? Paul Carlson: Well, I think that he has to have sometime alone with his wife or girlfriend, whoever this is. And maybe go for if the grandmother, who just loves taking care of the kids, let her watch the kids for the weekend and you go to have a nice weekend away at a hotel or something. And spend some quality time and it’s like everything else we say, it’s always about communication. The man has to do something that men don’t like to do and that’s to share your feelings. Be very straight about it. Be very upfront about it and let her know how this is impacting you and I wouldn’t do an ultimatum thing, we’ve talked about that in another video. Jennifer: Yeah, it’s me or your mom. Don’t do that, yeah. Paul Carlson: Yeah, that doesn’t work. Because right now, she’s starting to live this fantasy that she’s probably have for the most of her life that she’s got a mother in her life but she has to understand how it’s impacting you and so I would be very gentle and tactful but also very direct. And let her know exactly what your feeling and say—and not put it on her like, “Oh, your mother is the problem and your, your, your,” no, it’s we, it’s us. Always use, “Okay, what can we do about this? How do we fix this?” Jennifer: Okay. Paul Carlson: Because I feel left out and— Jennifer: And I’ll see you later yeah, that’s a big one. Paul Carlson: Yeah, but it’s our promise, not your promise, our promise. You can end up with—the factor.