Ask Dan & Jennifer
Sex, Love and Dating Advice
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Dan: Swinging. How to get pass jealousy? The biggest question there. How would one be able to get pass her own jealousy. So a girl is wondering how she could get pass her jealously issues to enjoy swinging?
Will I be Jealous after Swinging?
Jennifer: That’s a big one. Okay, that’s probably the biggest thing anybody has to face when their swinging or considering it, right? “I’m so jealous and possessive, what do I do?”
Dan: They’re talking about sex with other people.
Jennifer: Yes, that’s a big one.
Dan: Another girl, another guy, another couple?
Jennifer: If you have any insecurities, swinging and opening up your bedroom will definitely bring them out. But I mean, okay, so what is jealousy, right? Jealousy is your overactive imagination. Okay, it takes control, “Oh my god, what if this happens? What if that happens? What if he does this? What if he thinks that? What if she does that? How?
Dan: Living out of fear, okay, that’s what it is. You're living out of fear and insecurities.
Jennifer: And what ifs. Right, jealousy is nothing more than a “What if?”
Dan: And you're basically experiencing the “What ifs?” and the fear and as if it’s this stuff really happen by living that ways. No good.
Jennifer: Yes and you got to be careful with things like jealousy and fear based emotions because if that’s all your thinking about or your fears and your insecurities, believe it or not, you’re more likely to make them happen. One, because we actually believe that you can make things happen by focusing on it, but another thing is you are going to behave differently that you would if you are confident and secure. And most people don’t want to be around somebody that’s jealous, and clingy and whiny and insecure, right? That’s just not a fun person to be around.
Dan: Yes, so whether or not you believe it, whether you focus on those, fact is just be the kind of person that you want to be around.
Jennifer: Yes, so how do you overcome jealousy?
Dan: I don’t know.
Jennifer: How does she overcome jealousy?
Dan: Well, perhaps they can be really open and honest with each other like we always say.
Jennifer: That’s a big one.
Dan: And share expectations and set those ground rules from the beginning and go into it slowly, very, very slowly. You know, especially people wanting to try something like this like a threesome with another girl, with another guy.
Jennifer: You’re fidgeting there. You're fidgeting, he’s like organizing all the cards and it’s a—
Dan: That’s why, it’s an OCD.
Jennifer: You're not even reading the cards so I’m not going to take that.
Dan: I never read the cards. They were crooked. Anyway, what the hell was I saying? People get into this stuff that a lot of them have this perception that you know, you go to a swinger club and there’s this mass orgy or everyone has sex with everything that moves and with the furniture.
Jennifer: And some do.
Dan: And some do, but generally it’s not like that. Some of this place, most of these places are tamer than most of the college clubs.
Jennifer: Yes.
Dan: You know, I mean, the only difference being that you know if somebody’s bust flops out, you know nobody freaks out.
Jennifer: Agreed. Okay, so overcoming jealousy, okay, it requires patience, open communication like Dan was talking about and an understanding of your triggers. You’ve got to understand what makes you jealous and then take a step back and go, “Why does that make me feel jealous?”
So my suggestion was actually sit down and write down everything that makes you feel jealous. Is it something that your partner does? Is it something that someone else does? Is it—nobody did anything but for some reason you’re jealous, right? You're feeling these feelings because you got to understand what causes them and the next thing you have to do is recognize that these feelings of fear is left over way, way, way back from our reptilian brain and it’s a fight or flight thing, right? What did I say?
Dan: Reptilian, it’s a reptilian, whatever. This is a very, basic primal fight or flight—
Jennifer: It’s actually a chemical release, when you feel that surge, that is a drug literally that’s being released by your body.
Dan: It’s good stuff.
Jennifer: And once you start to recognize when you’re being triggered then you can stop and say, “Okay, this is an emotion. I feel jealous.” Take a breath and then choose consciously how you want to react to it rather than going, “Oh my god! I can’t believe you just did that!” Right? Sorry.
Dan: So guys, seriously, I mean that may not sound like the whole fun exciting having sex with other people stuff but this, this stuff is crucial. You can open up your bedroom to other people, there’s not really a quicker way to find that if you’re jealous, you know.
Jennifer: Exactly.
Dan: And if you as a girl for example can’t stand, can’t even fathom the idea of your guy flirting with another girl then “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there.”
Jennifer: Just don’t even think about opening up your relationship, it won’t work.
Dan: No, it’s not for you.
Jennifer: You got to fix the jealousy issue first.
Dan: Absolutely. And when you’ve think that you’re completely over it, then you try it slowly.
Jennifer: Slowly, yes. Because like what we’re saying in another video right, go big, no. This is not the time to go big. You take it, very slowly.
Dan: You don’t go and try to have sex with another couple, bad, bad idea.
Jennifer: Oh, back on the trigger thing. Once you figure out what they are, you can actually talk to your partner and you can work together and it’s like, “Look, identify this one thing that really, really triggers my jealousy.” And you can work together and try to avoid that, but if it does happen, you’re going to be tempted to say, “Why did you do that? You know that makes me jealous” or “you know that triggers my jealousy” or “we already talked about that, I thought you weren’t going to do that.” But don’t do that, okay, just don’t do that because when you do that, you're giving away your power. Okay, because what they did, didn’t make you jealous. Okay, they didn’t do it to you. You got to recognize that something in you that’s causing it.
Dan: And if you’ve watched our “Not fighting and relationship advice” videos and the other ones, you’ll know they were very big on—when you have a disagreement, you don’t ever begin a sentence with the word you. Because it’s accusatory, makes the other person go defensive and—
Jennifer: It’s like going like this to somebody and nobody likes that.
Dan: And it’s useless. You’re not going to resolve anything. So just say, “This makes me feel like this, and so on.” Okay.
Jennifer: We’ve beaten the jealousy horse to death.
Dan: This poor horsey. So, guys, we want to know what you think. Leave a comment.
Jennifer: Yes, any tips for getting over jealousy. What’s worked for you? What doesn’t work? What really?
Dan: We are real people. We want to help each other. What works?
Jennifer: What makes you jealous? What are your triggers? Share, because the more we share, the more we can help each other.
Dan: That’s the idea.
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