How Children React to Praise

Estelle Mathews: Used in the right way praise is one of the most valuable and vital tools every parent is equipped with. It helps children to feel loved confident and valued. And note just that self esteem unfortunately there are many parents can be too free with that praise or to controlling on aware of the negative impact, this can have on their children. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer author of “Raising and Parsing Books” boys and girls is here with to talk about preciously how boys and girls react to praise. Along the side Elizabeth, there is Tina Guildford and her three year old son Copan joining our chat and parsing children. Now you have to write two books didn’t you and that this is very, very recently released. Why two books couldn’t you combine them? Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: No I didn’t want to combine them. I think that we’re learning more and more about how the genders are different. And we’re really coming out this 70s and 80s when everybody is trying to treat their children same. And it’s just much easier to separate out and to take thread of the difference through on book and then the second book rather then jump around between the two. Estelle Mathews: So raising children deals with what age exactly how far do you go? Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: All ages from beginning to end. And there is one chapter that focuses on the child development issues, and what praise means to children at different stages of development and how we need to adjust our praise style accordingly. Estelle Mathews: Now lot of your researches this is come through looking at adults and saying how the effect of praise has that come fashion their lives. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Yes, yes no I mean it’s interesting as I have been researching and talking to people about my writing and so on. Praise is as been an issue that so many adults have immediately be very open about saying, oh, I was never praised do you know I hated it. It really bothered me and somebody who is very successful saying that she is still you know talking to the parental gallery of a father he is no longer alive, just trying to prove herself to him. Estelle Mathews: Well, we are talking little bit more about the latter, but it seems like Corbin is desperate to get in the active, let’s have a chat to yo Tina and you have actually got four children two boys and two girls. Tina Guildford: Yeah. Estelle Mathews: Are they different? Tina Guildford: Oh, slightly. This one is the worst. Estelle Mathews: And then this situation I mean what would you do seeing courage hope in that his part of act and actually giving praise when in effect, you know this may be proceed this naughty behavior. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Yes, well I think Corbin, this is going gone for very long and it’s very special you know they’ll probably feels a bit unusual isn’t but um when this is over he is quiet certain on just going somewhere else. Estelle Mathews: If you just let him do his own thing and will carry on the chair. So you really do think that you know boys and girls a meeting to be nursed in that in different ways where -- Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Goes fantastic they are listening to you, boys will do their own thing. Estelle Mathews: Do you agree with that. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Oh! Definitely, yes, and so he it’s actually much harder to praise boys. To find the things that you can praise them for, but I think one of the central mistakes that parents make is that they think the praise is about a particular outcome, a particular piece of behavior that’s just happened in here and now. Whereas in fact it can be referring to the past you know when they done something nice and good it can be referring to just their qualities you know you made me laugh this morning or it’s doesn’t have to be you did that right, you did that correct on that so on Estelle Mathews: And another big difference and I’ve notice and said even with my son that he doesn’t necessarily look for praise from me, but from my husband they like the male input. Obviously that is always easy with the families that is separated et cetera, but for me I do see that he is looking for that male kind of response. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Yes, now that came up very clearly for my interviews with the boys and girls in fact. And I think the mother because there are more at home and doing more at the notary they tend to praise quiet a lot, and so it looses its value. And fathers don’t do it soft and so when they come from father then it is more valued. But boys around the age of eight are going to quiet a big change in terms of the sense themselves from what their muscularity means, and they are identifying more with them the father, and so when it comes from the dad. You know it’s really lapped out. Estelle Mathews: Now going back to Copan here, Copan and obviously you don’t want to sit still, but your mommy does and what would you normally doing in this situation I mean that something that you would normally sail do you find like many mothers do that you constantly have to tell especially this age. It really it’s a difficult age between three and five especially for boys by getting surge of testosterone is kicked in that they don’t want to know did they? Tina Guildford: I deal with this -- able to choose, but it’s not. Twos are lovely, three is where absolutely normal and to control him you have got to ignore him -- and then they creeping back around you or you can go the upper way and shout this way usually -- I will ignore him. Estelle Mathews: He find it easy about to be sort of go did by him that you would shout and scream rather than may using the techniques that Elizabeth suggesting. Tina Guildford: -- that’s great and I’ll been there -- Estelle Mathews: And the all the said things as well I would mentioned. What would suggest again I mean we’ve talked briefly about it earlier? In terms of Copan and his showing behavioral problems they need normal problems but just boy problems. How would you nurture and praise it? Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Well, I think what is happening with Copan, and he is typical of boys. He is feeling quiet comfortable upon when he is asked to do something it kind of bit of his male pride jumps out and you know it doesn’t really want to comply. So I think the trick with boys is very often to try and allow them a little bit of the decision that’s taking place. So that they, they don’t feel, but they are just doing everything you say, but they actually got some handle on the situation. Estelle Mathews: That’s brilliant. Now you’ve a written quiet a few books already. Raising and Praising Boys is it recently out and what how to try to make it easy for readers, because often as parents we don’t have time to sit through bibles worth of that information. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Definitely. Estelle Mathews: How you broken it down, so that it we can actually come and dip it out. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Yeah, well I found it is separated into a hundred tips, and each tip is on the double page. Let me can you show. Estelle Mathews: Yes, please do, just around and have a look at this one. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Yeah, now here is one, so here is the tip on the this page were just a short tip of explanation about why it’s an important issues and then on this side does a bullet point list of suggested actions. And each of the hundred tips is divided into five chapters covering focusing on a different kind of issue. So the first chapter which are the important was the purpose of praise and actually we’ve to understand what it is we’re trying to achieve and once you understand that sometimes you’re going to achieve the objective without actually going over the top of with words and if you know wondered and striking on children. As really in focus children basically want to be noticed. Estelle Mathews: I think it’s very important as well to note to the one line in front of friends where you might be putting them down just a cover up for an incident or something. And even is late on in their teens and I’ve certainly know from experience I think my father made some mentioned to my legs in my teens and forever that’s stuck in my head, and then you can do which is young as six or seven if you’ll speak to a little girl and may be mentioned something about hairy arms or anything like that it’s a negative impact isn’t does stick with for years and years. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: So true and in the girls book, I’ve certainly recommended that you really stay of a commenting favorably on one of the physical appearances and focus very much on that personality that qualities the competence, because girls tend to lack self belief actually even if they do well you don’t quiet believe it, I think it was fluke. So really spell out every time why their achievement was really there enough and that the skills that they have where really stand them in good stage and it can be generalized to help throughout the situations. Estelle Mathews: Do you find that Tina when you got two girls and two boys. The two girls need more kind of encouragement. Tina Guildford: My oldest one -- which she can run, and she can ride bike, but she needed a boost to get to ride the bike. She didn’t ride it until she is nine years old, but she didn’t need the encouragement all the way through. Estelle Mathews: And what about with the parents with girls, because it’s so important I mean as soon as nine or ten occurs they are starting to think about how they look and fashion, I mean they can busy on the seven really counted. Tina Guildford: On which mine on that heavily in fashion, but they’ll worried because they have got pop bellies that same to come in to lot the time basically so they will grow out of it -- Estelle Mathews: And what about Copan, are you very happy with yours sisters, they nice to you. Do you sister is kind? Do they encourage you? Copan: Jessie same no while in her bed jumping. Estelle Mathews: Really, do you like going and seeing your sisters in their bedroom and do you go and trying to change the television when they are watching the specific program I’m sure that happens now. Copan: When I go home I don’t. Estelle Mathews: And I’m just going to ask Elizabeth, another question about this sibling rival race well I mean do you cover that in your books? Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Yes, I do and it’s I think that it’s really nice if the siblings can be encouraged to praise each other. It’s a natural part of family lives so they said oh, well done it you know it’s great praise is always talked down that for I think that’s really important. Estelle Mathews: That will help the adults, when they have their own children. Elizabeth Hartely Brewer: Yeah, and I think sometimes you have to be careful about whether you way you praise a particular child you know they have done something well, you don’t want to upset in the any of the other ones, because they’ll think you know mom doesn’t think I’m was good. So as best to do something in private and just may be have the celebration with the family as a whole. It’s a very sort of business. Estelle Mathews: It’s wonderful I’m fascinated by this and I’m going to spend a lots of hours dipping in and out, and but Tina I don’t think Copan is going to let us have any further chat. But Tina I don’t think Copan is going to let us have any further chat. Thank you for bringing him in. Thank you Copan thank you for joining us. You can have your orange juice now. Thanks. Tina Guildford: Thank you.