How To Break The YES Habit

Michelle Ammon: I’m Michelle Ammon and we are in New York to talk with Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist and the author of the book of “No, 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.” Let’s talk about children have no problems saying no, so why is it so hard for adults? Susan Newman: We’re afraid basically that if we tell somebody no there not going to love us or like us anymore. We’re afraid they’re going to think we’re lazy. We’re afraid they’re going to think we’re uncaring. And it becomes really almost developed that habit that “yes” habit. And for some people they have this great need to be needed, so they say, “Yes, yes, of course, I’ll do that.” They say, “Sure, no problem” and don’t really think about it. Michelle Ammon: And you talk about your 16 point Credo and the rights that we had. How do we apply these rights and what are these rights? Susan Newman: The Credo is a list of rights that will help you learn how to say No because saying No is really a learned skill. And you need to understand what your rights are, that you always have a choice. You have a right to say, “What’s important to me, how much time will this take away from what I have to do?”, so these rights all prep you for being able to get in there, and give a hardcore NO. Michelle Ammon: Friends can be pretty touchy when you tell them NO when you refused them, so how can you deal with this situation? Susan Newman: What you want to do with friends is to side whose in your friends circle and I call it an “elite” circle, and those are the people you want to concentrate on. And interestingly friendship changed over time so someone that you consider your best friend, all of a sudden becomes as horrible taker. So you need to bump her out of this “elite” circle and give your time to people who care about you as much as you care about them. Michelle Ammon: How do you change your mind set, so that saying NO is actually something that’s comfortable for you? Susan Newman: Think NO before you think YES. Remember that people aren’t thinking about you as much as you think they’re thinking about you because what’s happening is they are moving on to find somebody else to do the job you asked them to do, to watch their pesky children or walk their nasty dog. Michelle Ammon: Susan, thank you so much for joining us today. Susan Newman: My pleasure. Michelle Ammon: The book of NO provides answers to everyday demands from family, friends, co-workers and bosses. Along with practical tips and easy to follow solutions that make saying NO second nature, pick up your copy today. Susan Newman: Try it and you’ll see that the fall out is never as great as you think it is. I mean if you say NO to a friend, she’s going to be around.