How To Find Your Swinging Comfort Zone

Jennifer: How to find your swinging comfort zone? Dear Dan and Jennifer. I was curios, how does one find comfort zone in line, “oh! I think she means like boundaries and stuff like that when swinging.” I know what I’m uncomfortable with right now but I haven’t been exposed enough to other people in the swinger lifestyle to really find a further comfort level. How should I go about it? Dan: I’m glad she’s asking. That’s really great. Jennifer: Yeah! That’s important because you really—you want to maybe challenge those comfort zones but you don’t really jump right out of it, right? Dan: Ideally, you challenge them slowly together or by—or your predefined rules of what you will challenge. Jennifer: Yeah! I mean, I think swinger clubs are a great place to go look and watch and get a feel fro what other people do and you know. Dan: I’ve said this before but most of those places are—I mean, depends on where you go obviously. There are exceptions to everything. But most swinger clubs are not a mass—all that orgy where you walk in and wham! You have sex with 20 people. Whoa! You know, most of these are a lot tamer, they're most like college bars. Jennifer: They are. Dan: And it’s mostly grown-ups who are kind of serious about what you are doing, making friends and you know, somebody’s breast falls out. It’s okay. Jennifer: Dan likes to say that. Dan: I do, as soon as the breast flops out. Jennifer: Once the breast flops out. Dan: Because I can get to envision it, that is hot. Jennifer: Yeah! But look, I think as a couple, you got to take a step back, right because you know what your comfort zones are right now but do you know what your partner’s comfort zones are right now. Dan: And you could find out. Jennifer: And chances are they're not going to be perfectly in sync. Dan: Chances are. Jennifer: So you got to take you know, the most comfortable position for both of you and then gradually work your way out. And we even suggest that you guys sit down and write down what are the boundaries. What's okay, what's not okay? Is kissing okay? Is it okay to look at her that way? Is it okay to sit in somebody’s laps? Or to have sex with somebody? Dan: Is it okay to flirt with other girls? Jennifer: What's okay? What's not? Yeah! Flirting, you know, is it okay to flirt with someone when you're not around? I mean, there is a lot of—just go down the list. I’m sure if you brainstorm, you can come up with a whole list and you know what, your list, your combined lists together is the thing that you both said yes to. Dan: That’s your baseline of rules when you go into this. Jennifer: That’s where you start. Yeah! You can add other things as you go along. But start out with the minimum that your both okay with. Dan: And you know what, you're going to feel like, “Oh, my god, all these rules.” You know what, most people start out with a whole bunch of rules and those rules come off the list pretty soon after you’ve done it a few times and they review their roles. Jennifer: As you get comfortable. Dan: Don’t drop half the rules while you're in the middle of the action somewhere. You can get a huge trouble. Jennifer: No, no, the rules, do not change. Dan: No, that can get you in a lot of trouble. And the safe sex thing. A lot of grown-ups forget the safe sex thing. You know, what just agree ahead of time. One of the big rules on there, you know, you can have sex with other people, use a condom. Jennifer: Yeah! Definitely and look, nobody takes one for the team, okay. If it doesn’t click for everyone involve, it doesn’t happen. And it doesn’t have to. And it’s okay. Dan: Because a lot of times, my—you know, the girl behind, “oh, my god! My husband really likes that girl.” But her husband is so, “oh my god.” I want nothing to do with that guy. Jennifer: Yeah! Dan: So you don’t do it and vice versa because nobody wants to feel that way. You're going to taint the whole experience and you may not end up doing it again. Jennifer: Yeah! And also, you know, we’re talking about these minimum set of things that everybody is comfortable with and the person who is more outgoing is going to be like, “dude, this isn’t going to be any fun for me.” But look at it this way, okay. You can do a little bit now and then a little bit more later or you can try it all now and you may scare your partner so bad that they run and hide and don’t even want to try it again. Dan: You're playing as a team. You're just a team squad. Jennifer: Yeah! Dan: Swinging is a team sport. Jennifer: Hey! Can we get the Olympics?