Allen Salkin: Hi! I am Allen Salkin, author of 'Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us', and
today we are going to talk about how to celebrate Festivus. And now we are going
to discuss The Airing of Grievances or the AOG.
There are many ways to air grievances. According to the Seinfeld Orthodoxy one
simply tells ones friends, neighbors, loved ones, unloved ones and relatives, in
what way there have been disappointments. One can yell these; one can say them
with a hiss. You get the picture. Now there are ways as well. I have been to many
Festivus parties and some people have posters on the walls with pens attached and
people write their grievances.
Sometimes this is better because grievances can be more bitter and nasty when
they are written down. At some point in the party one will take the poster off the
wall and the host might read them aloud. Now while I don't recommend another
method. I have seen people use posters in which people will write their grievances
and then affix them to the Festivus pole. Whether or not this violates the rule
against no tinsel I am not sure. But again there are really no hard and fast rules
about Festivus. So go ahead ruin the holiday for everybody else. Another way to
air grievances is to use a refrigerator and a dry erase marker. People can write on
the fridge. However make sure that during the wrestling people don't get thrown
up against the refrigerator and accidentally erase the grievances.
You might also consider buying some shellac or varnish and permanently sealing
the grievances on to your refrigerator. This is an especially good idea if you have
no class. I would like to take this opportunity to air one of my grievances. My
mother's brisket is too wet. I don't like a wet brisket. I like it dry, simple. She
doesn't listen. Mother I want a dry brisket. You get the picture. You can grieve
about anything you want. Be as nasty as you want one last thing about the airing
of grievances. You might think this is very unholiday like, against the spirit of the
wonderful, warm holidays that we grew up with. But seriously have you ever
been to a Christmas or a Hanukkah or a Kwanzaa or human life of a day of
wonder and celebration or a Thanksgiving dinner table where you did not argue
with your family or friends? Whether there wasn't an airing of grievances? No.
There is always an airing of grievances. Festivus just acknowledges it. Festivus is
honest. Festivus is relentless. It's important to consider that after the airing of
grievances the Feats of Strength makes the perfect dispelling of tensions that have
grown. In other words the tensions rise during the Airing of Grievances and they
are dispelled during the Feats of Strength. Therefore even if you are not going to
wrestle it is a good idea to think of some Feat of Strength competition or other
way to dispel that tension. Next we are going to talk about the Festivus Feats of
Strength.
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