Ria: Hi! Guys it is Practical Mommy with mymommymanual.com and I am visiting with Vanessa Van Petten who is the author of “You're Grounded!” she is a Youthologist and the founder of Radical Parenting which is a parenting website from the teens perspective. Which is awesome as my daughter would say.
Vanessa Van Petten: A parents website and the mommy blog.
Ria: That’s right that’s right. And we were talking about how we can connect with our kids that’s a question that you get a lot don’t you.
Vanessa Van Petten: Yes about communication and how to communicate and how still keep the lines of communication open.
Ria: Absolutely. So what is your advice and that’s a tricky thing because I know even my daughter she is that twin age where I it’s kind of mystery I am not sure what to say or not say that’s not going to trigger a really emotional response.
Vanessa Van Petten: Yeah so a lot of times specially with girls and boys only 7-8 specially twin girls they will get home from school and they will say something then it will trigger them into this huge fight and usually what happens is because teenagers and twins think very differently their brain works differently than adults so when they are upset about something like a math test or a bad hair day or whenever it is a parent wants to calm them down so they will say don’t worry it’s okay it will better where the kid is like when they hear that they feel like they are not being understood so that will get bigger until you believe them.
So what happens is when a parent or an adult has a feeling of upset what’s actually very interesting the first thing you want to do is match their tongue. So what I will do is when my kids gets to me and I say it was so horrible I had the worst math test ever, my teacher is so unfair, I will just mirror back to them exactly what they are saying to me, instead of saying don’t worry it will get better, so I will say it was a horrible math test, I cant believe it was unfair and usually they are so surprised to see that you are so upset and you are mirroring back to them, they will be like oh no-no it’s not that bad. [voice overlap] to calm down. What I like about this tactic is number one it’s making them feel hurt and understood which is really important for kids.
Second it shows that you are very pleasant with them because you are matching their level and a lot of parents will say oh my worried because if I match their, it’s like encouraging it. Actually what you can do is that you are showing them you are with them and then you could bring it down together and they will say asking questions, what do you think you are going to do about it or do you think that everyone else felt like that in the class or –- how many test are there instead of this is one of many test or I am sure everyone else felt that way, so it makes them engage and think of it themselves about having to feel like to share that.
Ria: Okay so you are not like diminishing their emotional response and what you are saying to is this is completely normal for them to have a big response to what to you might seam like not that bigger deal at all.
Vanessa Van Petten: Yes teens and specially kids do not think in grey where a lot of adult think about the middle they think in black and white very extreme so it’s either the worst or the best, so we are talking the kids you have to remember that’s how they think in other things that developing.
Ria: Well thank you very helpful I cant wait to try it out.
Vanessa Van Petten: Yeah try it.
Ria: Great-great guidelines thank you, thank you very much.
Transcription by:
Scribe4you Transcription Services