How to Cope With the Death of a Child

Host: How does a parent when a child dies move on?

Steven P. Shelov: The other major subject when a child dies is the parents on mourning process and it's very, very difficult and hard to chart like a perfect categorical way that it goes because it's different for every parent. First there will be an immediate process of first anger, hostility is to why it happened to sense of going through those stages of mourning that we know so well from the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross processes of mourning. There will be withdrawal after the anger. There will be having at some denial that will go on. They will gradually move toward a process where they will get beyond that death. It may take weeks and months. It certainly will take weeks and probably a better part of the year to get over that.

The key there is some of the same steps that we have talked about with children. Getting back to a normal routine as much as possible. Engaging friends and other family members through that process. Realizing that others are going through it as well. Developing ways of paying tribute to the lost child, whether it's there an internal memorial or within schools or where something that says I remember this child. I always will remember this child. Recognizing special events it takes place on those anniversaries, a little part. A parent who loses a child never forgets that child and it never to be expected that you will ever be out of that persons memory. It just recedes to a background state so that life can continue.

Same thing goes for professional help for parents. If in fact, you are not able to let go off that and that you find yourself constantly mourning over that or feeling guilty about it or responsible when there was nothing to do with your own negligence, which most of time is the case, but that continues to sort of the persistent mental thought in the family then you may need to get somebody that help you work through those feelings. Generally by a year or so and it may take that long, things were able to move on to a more even keel but it may just take that long.


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