How to Deal with Trust and Ultimatums

Jennifer: Hi guys, thank you so much for all of your insightful comments and you know we’ll stay away from the lessons like for comments that— Dan: That we call— Jennifer: We always want to know what you think but we will ask you to try to keep it positive and constructive. Dan: You can disagree positively and intelligently. Jennifer: Yeah, we want to know what you think so leave the comment, listen to what we have to say and then call of us if you want to. Dan: It’s all good. Jennifer: Okay, this one has to do with trust and ultimatums. “Dear Dan and Jennifer, I have a girl which on some I'm having trouble trusting at time. I love her but she has a tendency to lie not about the big thing necessarily but about the little things. We've run into—we've never end to any major problems yet but if we did I don’t know if I can trust her to tell the truth. I know ultimatums are bad and she’d never be use but it would be so wrong to tell her that if she keeps lying I may have to end the relationship. Your help would be greatly appreciated. Is that’s an ultimatum stand? Dan: Well, you know, I keep on back and fort but ultimatum and just that. Ultimatums are just not a good idea, you know, if you don’t do this I'm going to do that and that ends up inevitable, you know, verbally but sort of like, you know, that’s kind of the intelligence level that conversation and guess that you go around up and the intelligence level goes straight down. Jennifer: Mike too sense an ultimatum that if you going to make him ne prepared to stick to them. Dan: But that’s not what he want whether she’d like to fix it there's going to be an intelligent way to fix this. And first of all ultimatums are poor way to fix something but lying? Trust is a fundamental— Jennifer: Yeah, how do you deal with the line partner Paul? Somebody that how so you get them to see that if they keep lying it’s going to be the end of you relationship? Dan: With that ultimatum. Paul Carlson: Well, they do the study recently and they found out that that people lying in average of 26 times a day. Jennifer: Everybody? [Voice Overlap] Paul Carlson: Well, this generalization okay, certainly there's going to be some people that consider themselves to be very honest straight for people and that they don’t like. Jennifer: So, that it account with somebody says something that really annoys you when you don’t say anything bad caused that’s a lie? Paul Carlson: Yes, it’s called a white lie. People always thing that white lie are just a little lies. There is no such thing as a little lie, if its untruth it’s a lie. There's a called black lies. Dan: How about a— Paul Carlson: Pardon? A white lie is not a little lie because they don’t exist. It’s a liable mission when you know the answer and you withholding it. Now, some people with withhold this answer of truth for reasons of being themselves except it, so let say that the girl asked the boy as well, “Do I look fat in this?” Dan: Oh no, that’s make a— Jennifer: Don’t even go there. Paul Carlson: So the point is the guy said, “Oh no, you look fine” or he thinks that a specific piece of clothing makes her look a little less attractive and she's normally use to looking and he doesn’t say anything. That’s a liable mission. Jennifer: Dan I have to say, I have to share this. Dan: Oh no, God help me. Jennifer: Going to be a notorious secret one day, right and I'm trying on this little—what do you call them tongas or whatever. Dan: I don’t know but— Jennifer: All I know is Dan works it and he's like, “Is that going to fit on you butt?” Dan: Looks we’re sitting in the dressing room is about to put this thing on and I'm sorry was unfiltered I mechanically speaking I just didn’t see how this little thing will go and it was the—oh, I just got that. Paul Carlson: Dan, you need to come over for session we’re going to work on tech. Look, the bottom line to it this is too that in terms of this women, okay. It’s okay Dan, its okay. In terms of this woman who lies a lot on a little things, okay. You have to understand that what we do as adult is we repeat the behavior pattern as if we learn in childhood and sometimes in the context of the family unit we learn strategies in order to survive in the context so that family or this it’s the best— Jennifer: What’s that book—who wrote that book the financial infidelity book? Dan: Oh Bunny, what's her name? Dr. Bunny. Jennifer: Dr. Bunny has a book on financial infidelity and how you pick up those behaviors on, you know hiding money and sucking in the way, you know, getting your power by buying something you're not suppose to. There's a woman and stuff. Dan: That just sucks. Jennifer: Yeah, the same things I've learn behaviors. Paul Carlson: So the thing here is that we learn these behaviors in order to survive in a context of the family unit at home and then what happens is we grow up and we move out of home and now we’re living with someone else who wasn’t raise in that same context and their not use to do in those things. And so, this is the dysfunctional behavior for them. Dan: Who will propagate the special— Than your family? Paul Carlson: Yeah, the man in this case is saying well, she doesn’t seem to be lying on the major issues but all these little issues. With us that’s a learned behavior from childhood and she hasn’t learn that that’s not appropriate in the context of your relationship. She's not living in the fast she's living now with you so she has to learn new ways. The problem is you can't change anybody, you can't demand that they change, you can't say well, I love you meaning I accept you unconditionally but you know this behavior is making me crazy and I choose not to have crazy in craziness in my life so I still love you but I choose not to be in your life anymore. But the idea that you're going to change them forget it, you either learn to deal with them in other worlds if you were to take a pad of paper you draw a line down the center and you put a plus on one side and a negative on the other side and you write out whatever the issue is in this case lying on the little things, okay. Jennifer: Yeah, lying about little things. Paul Carlson: Then you write down on the positive side all the positive things you can think about this person. Dan: She makes me so happy. Paul Carlson: Yeah, exactly whatever. Dan: Whatever. Paul Carlson: And then you write down in negative things and if you see that that positive side is really long and the negative side is short and you say, “Well, you know there's—you're never going to find anybody that’s perfect for you so if you grand to live with the negative things and the positive things are just the graving.” Dan: I think you just made the point that is so gold and then so, so crucial. Everybody’s always who trying to fix every little thing but the other person and we don’t realize there sometime the other person as wonderful and amazing as they maybe they may have one or two negatives. Paul Carlson: Yes Dan, this is true. But the bottom line is relationships are something that you have to work at for your whole life. Nobody gets it right on a 100% at a time, okay. And if she's lying it’s because she feels the need to at some level that you won't accept her if she tells you the truth that may now be true in it of itself but it’s her perception. And so either you learn to live with this you got to let her change in your own time, yeah but putting out an ultimatums not the way to do it. I agree with you guys. Ultimatum is don’t work because if you don’t follow up on your ultimatums then ultimately what about to work? They're shallow and they have a meaning. Jennifer: There's a treat—yes.