Captain Disillusion: Greetings children, Captain Disillusion here, let’s talk about fauna. Not your own fauna but fauna, the animal world. Do you know what controls the behavior of animals like say, sharks?
Holly: I do.
Captain Disillusion: Uh-oh.
Holly: I control the animals, the people, and everything else in the universe, even the random stuff.
Captain Disillusion: Holy.
Holly: It’s pronounced Holly but you would forget a thing like that, wouldn’t you, D?
Captain Disillusion: What are you doing here?
Holly: It’s almost Valentine’s Day and I though a certain someone might like to shower me with gifts, you know, a sacrificial lamb or two.
Captain Disillusion: Kids, Holly here has what’s called delusions of granger.
Holly: How dare you. After all we’ve been through together.
Captain Disillusion: Woh, woh, let’s get some things straight. We were never together.
Holly: Oh, come now. It’s a beautiful story. I’ve always been with you. I was there when you were born. You were the cutest little baby in the universe. I breathed and you awoke. And at that moment I realized I am the reason you exist and we’re meant for each other.
Captain Disillusion: That’s not how I remember it at all. Years ago, I was hanging out at a party with some friends. And one of them goes…
Holly: Yo, check that out.
Captain Disillusion: …And I’ll admit I was intrigued.
Holly: Aaaw.
Captain Disillusion: But I quickly realized that it would never work out.
Holly: What?
Captain Disillusion: You’re intolerable.
Holly: I am awesome. I am all-knowing and omnipotent. Name one thing about me that isn’t perfect.
Captain Disillusion: Are you kidding me? You have a problem communicating. You never call, you always text. I mean what’s that about? And the text messages all contradict each other. You love making up rules for thing people know what to do anyway. And you get so angry about the slightest little infraction while major world problems don’t seem to concern you at all.
Holly: I, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. It’s just my way. It’s all part of a plan.
Captain Disillusion: And you say that you have a plan that you know what you’re doing but you never seem to. And when stuff goes wrong, it’s always somehow everybody else’s fault.
Holly: It’s not true.
Captain Disillusion: You’re paranoid, vindictive, and controlling except, you don’t really control anything. And the answer to my previous question is not you. It’s instinct. Instinct is what controls the behavior of animals and everyone and me. But I also have a rational mind.
Holly: You say that now but when life gets hard, when the weight of the world is too much to bear, you’ll come crawling back to Holly.
Captain Disillusion: Unlikely. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a video to deconstruct.
Holly: You know CD, if you’re not careful, you’re gonna lose me.
Captain Disillusion: What, I never had you. Are you mental? Where was I? Sharks. Ever surfed one? In this popular video, a gnarly thrill seeker lures a shark with pieces of meat and then uses it as a tow boat while he surfs. Woh, that looks incredibly dangerous. That guy and his brand name gear must be totally awesome. But like with Holly, appearances can be deceiving. It’s an oftenly nice quality wet suit. Almost makes me wanna buy one. But let’s not get distracted. The video is a hoax. Notice how it gets away with never actually showing a real shark at all. All I see is a generic fin. And when after a conspicuous transition, this fin begins to travel in front of a propelled surfer. I see a size of a wake from a water vehicle travelling a few feet ahead. Honestly, why would a shark caught on a hook of a monster fishing pole panicked and in pain travel steadily along the water surface in a straight line parallel to the beach. And why would this be so mildly exciting to onlookers and even the people floating in the water just a few feet away from the action. These are many questions with just one answer. The video is part of a viral marketing campaign of a company selling eyewear for people active in sports. It’s one of several clips, all of which used a combination of physical and digital effects to weird you out and flash the product. Now, wait a minute. According to my research, this company is part of this company which also owns this company which got these guys to do this and this and all of that. It’s a conspiracy. Yeah, a conspiracy to protect your eyes from UV radiation in style, uhm, never mind. It’s a nicely done viral clip, no question. But there’s something unsettling about such a subliminal method of advertising. And besides, with the reality style video presented totally out of context, there’s always gonna be some coop who attempts it’s for real and when the shark is chomping on his board, who is he gonna call upon to rescue him? I think we know. But who is gonna actually have to do the rescuing? I rest my case. Now I’m afraid it’s time for me to go kids. But I implore you, love with your heart but use your head for everything else. Captain Disillusion.
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