Host: Today we see lot of big problem with teenagers, and some of them are out of control and parents are losing the skills. What tips can you give to a parent of the teenager, so the parent can survive the teenager?
Guest: There is much written about what parents can do, during their kids teenage years. It all looks easy on paper, but having been a parent of several teenagers, the actual fact is always more difficult than what is written in the papers or in the books. There are several tips that I found as a parent and as a pediatrician, the first is to not lose your cool.
Once you start to get excited and emotional and react in a very hyper fashion, that often just creates an equal and opposite reactions with teenagers. That is what you don't want, because it is an emotionally turbulent time for the teenagers. They are looking for their own identity, they are trying to mark their place in the world, they are feeling defeats and successes and failures with their peer group who are the most important.
It is a tough time, so you don't want to wrap that emotion up. That is the first thing and the second is you need to be vigilant about that time spent outside the home, that is not so easy. But that doesn't mean you can't have guidelines, they need to be flexible, they need to have some degree of appreciation at some times in events, special events occur, but that doesn't mean you don't have check in, you don't have guideline as to when you are able to come home.
Seat belts are not an option and that you really do as a parent need to know when those kinds of things are happening to their child that may be putting your child at harm. Now, I will say pediatrician, writer all that stuff, were my kids perfect? No way. My kids have experience of alcohol that I didn't know about till later you bet, was there drug use in my family, no I don't think so but we were lucky.
But we kept in constant touch with our kids and that was a very important piece of what got us through those turbulent years. The turbulent years will happen, don't think you cant just escape them. Some may be more than others, girls and mothers, boys and fathers tend to have a little bit more of issues because they are looking for their own identity, that part of development very important to go through that even with the stormy times to get to the other side where they do achieve the sense of who they are and a sense of successful independence but those turbulent years just need to be understood that the more communication, the more understanding, some flexibility, some things are not allowed.
Dangerous driving or certainly driving with intoxication, none of those are allowed, other risky behaviors that you really need to make them realize that this is potentially going to be life threatening for them. Most kids will get that being there for them at all terms is really what the cliché is used but it is the truth and that is not so easy, but nevertheless that is the key, being there for them, especially when they are hurting is the most important thing.
Host: suppose you have a bridge or have a family meeting on a regular basis. And it also all sorts of rules that if the kids never simply does this, this is the punishment and so in a way they are punishing themselves.
Guest: Yeah I think that once again corporal punishment is not the answer here, that actually can drive it to a more negative situation. Most important thing is there are rules, there is some flexibility, but there are some things that are out of balance but there are consequences. Allowances, use of car, stuff like that are very. strong rules. Cell phones, computers stuff is all become now the way of operating. Cell phones are the link, kid to kid. I now understand that when kids have parties, there is a certain messages that go out via cell phones. Suddenly a party of 20 becomes a party of 200 because of the power of the cell phone. So that is a very important communication device that has a degree of clouds if you say we are going to stop that. That is an extreme. You also want to keep the level of response according to the level of thing that has been committed. You don't want to over reach, over punish when the amount of infraction has been minimal. The same time when those infractions are such that the kid is at risk, or puts other kids at a risk, that is major deal and needs to be met with a equally major response.
Host: So it is the parents who survive the teenager or the teenager survive parents.
Guest: In truth, each has to survive, but the parent is equally at risk for having a negative experience as the child.
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