How to Handle Conflicts in an Interracial or Intercultural Relationship

Host: What can I do when a problem or conflict arises within an interracial or intercultural relationship?

Gloria MacDonald: Conflicts and challenges will always arise in any type of relationship and potentially more so in an interracial intercultural relationship because we have more differences. Usually conflicts arise because we feel the other person is wrong or not good enough or there is something that needs to be corrected or something that’s not right there. So I love what Byron Katy says about this, Byron Katy is a relationship expert and she has written a varity of books and one of the thing she says , one of the thing she suggest you do is say, “Where would you be without that thought?”

So, let’s say for example that your partner speaks a different language than you do as their mother tongue? Let’s say your partner speaks Spanish and you’re living in the United States and you’re speaking English, and you know, let’s say you’ve been together for either years now or so and your partner says something and the grammar isn’t right, and you think, “Oh, you know, he has been here for eight years now, can he at least learn to speak English?” And maybe the fact that his English isn’t perfect, bugs you and it’s ongoing irritation.

Well, Byron Katy would say, “Where would you be without that thought?” So where would you be without the thought that your partner can’t speak English as well as well as he or she should? Think about that, where would you be without be without that thought? If that thought is causing irritation and conflict, without that thought, the conflict and irritation would be gone.

You seem, it’s never really what the other person does or says or how the other person thinks that causes the irritation, conflict or challenge, it’s what you think about what they say or think. So, it’s your thought that they don’t speak English well enough or it’s your thought that they don’t peak up their dirty socks? It’s your thought that creates the problem or challenge.

So ask yourself, where would I be without that thought? Where would I be without the thought that, “Oh, his parents drive bananas because they just do things differently than I do.” Ask yourself, where would you be without that thought? Fine, so they do things differently than you do. Is it truly that they do things differently that you do that causes the problem or your thought that they do things differently that irritates you? It’s always your thought, it’s never what someone else does or says or how they behave or how they think, it’s your thought about them that causes the problem.

So if you can change your thought about it, the problem is gone. It sounds simple and frankly it really is but it’s a question of us catching ourselves on an ongoing basis and as constantly asking ourselves, where would I be without that thought?


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