How to Parent a Teenager

Host: Today we see lot of big problems with teenagers, and some of them are out of control and parents are losing the skills. What tips can you give to a parent of the teenager, so the parent can survive the teenager? Guest: There is much written about what parents can do during their kids teenage years. It all looks easy on paper, but having been a parent of several teenagers, the actual fact is always more difficult than what's written in the papers or in the books. There are several tips that I found as a parent and as a pediatrician. The first is to not lose your cool. Once you start to get excited and emotional and react in a very hyper-fashion, that often just creates an equal and opposite reactions with teenagers. That's what you don't want, because it is an emotionally turbulent time for the teenagers. They are looking for their own identity, they are trying to mark their place in the world, they are feeling defeats and successes and failures with their peer group who are the most important. It is a tough time. So you don't want to wrap that emotion up, that's the first thing. The second is you need to be vigilant about the time spent outside the home, that's not so easy. But that doesn't mean you can't have guidelines, they need to be flexible, they need to have some degree of appreciation at some times in events, special events occur, but that doesn't mean you don't have check in, you don't have a guideline as to when you are able to come home. Seat belts are not an option and that you really do as a parent need to know when those kinds of things are happening to their child that may be putting your child at harm. Now, I will say pediatrician, writer all that stuff, were my kids perfect? No way. My kids have experience of alcohol that I didn't know about till later, you bet, was there drug use in my family? No, I don't think so but we were lucky. But we kept in constant touch with our kids and that was a very important piece of what got us through those turbulent years. The turbulent years will happen, don't think you can just escape them. Some may be more than others, girls and mothers, boys and fathers tend to have a little bit more of issues because they are looking for their own identity. That's part of development. Very important to go through that even with the stormy times to get to the other side where they do achieve the sense of who they are and a sense of successful independence, but those turbulent years just need to be understood that the more communication, the more understanding, some flexibility, some things are not allowed. Dangerous driving or certainly driving with intoxication, none of those are allowed. Other risky behaviors that you really need to make them realize that this is potentially going to be life threatening for them. Most kids will get that being there for them at all terms is really what the cliché is used but it is the truth and that's not so easy, but nevertheless that's the key, being there for them, especially when they are hurting is the most important thing. Host: Suppose you have a bridge or have a family meeting on a regular basis. and there are also all sorts of rules that if the kids we often say, if you does this, this is the punishment and so in a way they are punishing themselves. Guest: Yeah I think that once again corporal punishment is not the answer here, that actually can drive it to a more negative situation. The most important thing is there are rules, there are some flexibility, but there are some things that are out of balance, but there are consequences. Allowances, use of car, stuff like that are very, very strong rules. Cell phones, computers stuff is all become now the way of operating. Cell phones are the link, kid to kid. I now understand that when kids have parties, there is a certain messages that go out via cell phones, so suddenly a party of 20 becomes a party of 200 because of the power of the cell phone. So that's a very important communication device that has a degree of clouds if you say we're going to stop that. That is an extreme. You also want to keep the level of response according to the level of thing that has been committed. You don't want to over reach and over punish when the amount of infraction has been minimal. The same time when those infractions are such that the kid is at risk, or puts other kids at a risk, that is major deal and needs to be met with a equally major response. Host: So it is the parents who survive the teenager or the teenager survive parents? Guest: In truth, each has to survive, but the parent is equally at risk for having a negative experience as the child is if not more so. One of the things that often helps, and we used this with our daughter, honestly, is that other parents of your kids peers are going through the same thing. They are experiencing the tumult, the issues of rejection in the sense of what is my child doing? So we developed a parent support group among my daughter and her friend's parents and though our friends as -- her friends hated it. Host: Was it a parent conspiracy? Guest: That's what they called it. We were the parent's conspiracy and the conspiracy however was very important, because some families were handling it well and others were patching it and the once who were handling it well gave some tips to those who were having real difficulty with it. I do believe that, that sense of community around their kid's growth and development, even though our teenage girls would make fun of us, was better overall, especially for those parents who were really struggling with what to do. So use your sibling's or your children's friends, many of whom you get to know because you have been together throughout the school and don't be afraid to have an evening sort of chat about, just talk about how can we communicate better around our kid's issues, parties and other issues. Then inevitably will come up and it work well for us and it work well for other settings as well. Host: So when your children have teenagers, you get even? Guest: Getting even is definitely not the right word to use. When my children have teenagers, we will try and give them some techniques to use, as we used with our kids, I am with them. But you know what, they are going to have to experience it themselves. We'll give them, we hope some guidelines, some ways to address difficult issues. They will look to us because we developed and continue to develop a very good communication with our older children as now they have young children. Those guidelines they look for actually. Don't be shy by providing them, but don't be overly expecting, that they will follow everything you say. They are going to have to make their own mistakes and figure it out for themselves because their kids and their relation with their kids are different, than you had with your own children. It's is just the way it is. As the next cycle goes through it. But being there for your older kids, with their own kids, with their own kids it's a very important part of they are being reared as successful parents. Just like hopefully, we had with our parents. So passing that the time along successfully is all about good parenting that continues into good grandparenting. Host: A famous psychologist once said about adolescence, it's a form of paranoid schizophrenia that gets better. Is that true? Guest: I have actually not heard that term. But there are certain elements of it that are true. Teenagers often are very paranoid about their own independence, about what they are doing. They are worrisome about their invasion into their space. They often may say the same certain things, or meaning certain things, when you are not. That's all part of the teenager's attempt to find out who they really are and to establish their own sense of identity. It's critically important that that process be allowed to go through, but it isn't easy. Teenagers are a huge challenge and also doesn't sort of turn on and turn off. Some kids have milder form, some kids get it at 15, some gets it at 17, some kids start it early at 13. So it's important to remember that, you will know it when it's going on and just not lose your cool, as I said earlier. Host: I think it's get better because they grow up to and do what they require. Guest: It's get better because these are normal processes for the most part and the most important thing is just to keep things within balance and if you are able to that 18, 19 comes along, they go off to college or they move out of the house and then they actually do begin to relate to others as a more adult fashion and as a consequence, you now get the opportunity to see them in a whole different light and they see you in a different light. Host: Thank you very much! Guest: Thank You!