Host: If I don t agree, how can I validate my partner?
Chris Wright: If you don’t agree it, you are right. It seems like how could I validate their point of view. They are the one who have the problem, but personally now we understand that each of us had a separate operating system. So, our realities are completely different. So just because I have this one reality doesn’t mean that your way of looking at things is wrong. They actually coexist, both operating systems, both realities can exist at the same time, each one is a narrow advantage point. It feels natural to me but it doesn’t mean that yours is wrong simply because mine is important to me.
It doesn’t even mean that mine is superior than yours even though the person who is in the more assertive or aggressive personality, the person who wears the pants in the family. They tend to assert their reality over the others. But the truth is it’s important to recognize that both worlds are valid. So what allows me to live from that is it’s easy to validate your point of view, because I clearly understand your world now. I clearly understand how you prioritize your values and what you do and what you don’t do and I understand why, what the insecurities, what the pressure are that you can’t afford.
So it’s much easier now for me to be able to step in your shoes and validate your point of view. Remember the example in the kitchen where let’s say my wife comes in who is a perfectionist and points out that there is a water on the counter. Well, I can validate that if I wasn’t a one, if I was in your shoes, brought up the way she was brought up. I’d be upset by that too. That mean I agree with it, I still think it’s not but I understand it. Those are her pressure. Well, I have my pressures too. What do my pressures that account for why I didn’t respond? Why I didn’t raise my bar high enough? So understanding all these dynamics makes a huge difference.
It also provides the platform because I understand and I can validate, I can now look ahead and see for solutions in the future, so that both needs are honored because I understand it. What people typically do is that when we have an argument, I’m really arguing my point of view, my reality and the solutions that I am trying to legislate in this relationship reflect my needs, not yours and that creates problems. Because you can hear it, you can feel it that yours are not taken into account.
So it s important that I would be able to validate and if I can put myself there that really goes through the exercise of validating it, so that I do recognize what your needs and pressures are, so that the solutions work for both of us.
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