How to beat a polygraph test

Lying—your mother said do not do it, but you did it anyway like stealing, swearing and arson! But you might have thought twice if she had had one of this. It is a lie detector. Okay, I am harder than Jeff Capes! In fact, lie detectors—lie detectors can only detect lies by looking at increases in heart rate, sweating or blood pressure. So there should be a way to beat them. Let us find out! Hey George. Hi Nick. Now, how widespread are polygraph machines? They are not so common here in the UK, but in the United States, they are used a lot by police to interrogate criminal suspects, but they are also used for people who are seeking a job. If you are looking for a job in the FBI, CIA or even a local police department in the United States. Alright, here is the scenario. My local shop has had a thief in it. A box of Jaffer cakes which are a kind of cookie has been taken, okay the fingers are pointing to me, they want me to take a polygraph test, what am I going to do? Okay, what you need to do is first to understand how the test actually works. You are going to be asked irrelevant questions about the merchandise that has gone missing and you are also going to be asked control questions that are going to be used as a basis of comparison. The relevant questions are going to be; “Do you suspect anyone of stealing the Jaffer cakes? Do you know where the Jaffer cakes are now? Did you steal the Jaffer cakes?” Questions like these, so what they are going to do is compare your reactions to these questions with the reactions to what are called control questions and these are ones where they try to trick you into lying. You might be asked questions like, “Did you ever lie to a loved one? Did you ever steal anything? Did you ever take anything that did not belong to you?” They want you to answer no, but—everyone has pinched something at some time. That is clever, so once you say no, there is a little— Okay, right. So what techniques can I use to fool this? When you are asked a control question, what you can do for example is to constrict your anal sphincter muscles. It is—okay and you see, no one can see, no one can tell. But what you are doing by doing that is raising your blood pressure and that is going to show up on the polygraph instrument. Apart from that, what other techniques can I use? Can I get my heart raising or can I think about things— Yes, a very effective technique is just to think exciting thoughts. This might be falling down—for example and also, thoughts like falling off of this bridge. It is very clever. George, thank you very much. Now hopefully, with the techniques that George has taught me, I can beat this polygraph test and beat the rap. Time to take the test with this man, Bruce Burges, Britain’s leading lie detector operator. This is what he will be monitoring, my breathing, my heart rate and blood pressure and my sweating. Keep your eye on this one! Right now, I should point out that I really did take the Jaffer cakes. It was wrong. I know you should not steal and I am very sorry, but I am still going to try and beat this test! Is your first name Nick? Yes. Regarding this theft, do you intend answer truthfully each question about that? Yes. That is relevant question, do not react! Are you going to be telling a serious lie to someone who loves you? No! That is a control, squeezing my bum! Did you steal Jaffer cakes? No! Do you remember stealing anything from someone who loved you? No! Another control! Think about falling! Regarding that—did you steal Jaffer cakes from that shop? No! Okay, that is the end of that chap! Quietly, I am going to release your arm! You have given me reactions on both of the controls and relevant, it is most unusual. It looks like the sphincter trick worked! When I get reactions on the control, it is the same reaction on the relevant, I know someone is messing around. So Nick, the result I got is you are deceptive. You were lying. You did steal those Jaffer cakes. Yes. You admit it! Yes I do, I was hungry and they were there and