It's Me Or The Porn! You Choose...

[Music Playing] Jennifer: This question is from Helen in the UK, dear Dan and Jennifer, I watched your video husband uses porn, do not think we have got a usage video but anyway, and it rang a bell with my situation, my husband has used porn for years and despite having attended counseling and asking him to stop, he continues. Even though he insisted he had stopped, I recently went to bed for an afternoon nap and came downstairs to find him using porn while I was in the house. Dan: Is it like using a tire iron, am sorry. Jennifer: I walked out, after lots of talking, we decided to patch things up but I feel so hurt and angry at him. I am really concerned that if I trust him again, he would just continue lying to me, I need him to stop and give our relationship and the attention that needs. I do not know how I can trust him not to lie to me again; I just do not know how to move on. [Music Playing] Jennifer: Okay, so first of all, Dan: I am not sure she watched the video all the way through. Jennifer: Hold on just a second, it is okay to feel hurt and angry, okay, those are your feelings and it is okay to feel however you feel, but the think that got my attention here is that you said you need him to stop and give a relationship immediate attention that needs. Okay, do not confuse him watching porn with him giving you the attention that you need, okay, it sounds like you may be feeling a little neglected and like you are not getting enough attention, that merely not be because of porn, okay. But on the thing about how can you trust him, that is a different deal, does he feel safe being honest with you? Okay, most of the time when we lie or when anyone tells a lie it is because they do not feel safe telling the truth. You know, we are afraid of being attacked or reprimanded or being told that we are bad or you know, we are breaking the ten commandments or whatever. We are afraid of getting in trouble, so my question to you on the lying is does he feels safe telling you the truth? Right? Dan: And then there is the other question that goes to a lot of the young ladies watching this, you condemn porn and the Evil’s of your man watching porn, you enjoy this really sizzling hot romance novels that is somehow, [Voice Overlap] Jennifer: That is a good point. Dan: That is somehow make the top make seller this every damn time and it is not the guys reading them. They do not. Jennifer: Romance novels of the teenage girls equivalent to porn, think about that. Dan: But there is no pictures in there, so they can still ostracize they can still condemn the poor guy for watching porn. Jennifer: Men are objective okay, women are a little more verbal, we can process those things but men like pictures, face it men like pictures. Dan: Back to the your guy using porn issue, I am not sure that she watched the full video, because we had a number of videos on this topic, God knows the question comes up over and over again. Jennifer: This is a very popular topic. Dan: Does he really need to stop watching porn? It is an ultimatum, it is like a challenge, do you dare to continue watching porn and it almost is. The guys like, oh my god, he has terrorized, he knows that if you watches porn, you are going to leave him, boy that makes porn’s, sort of like the forbidden fruit does it not? Jennifer: Makes you want it all the more. Dan: Makes you want to sneak over in the corner, go to your buddies house and watch porn, I know would not be able to stop. Jennifer: Here is the catch out there okay, as long as it is not an addiction, okay, is he able to have real sex with you, as long as porn is not a substitute for real sex then there is nothing wrong with it okay. Give the guy a break. Dan: But I think you are really onto something with that, there are two separate issues here, the guy watches Porn, you are trying to prohibit a certain behavior in your partner who is your equal in your relationship is a dangerous proposition. It is something that is unrealistic and is going to lead in probably break up eventually but trying to fix your relationship