Shalom, this is Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg of the Ezra-Habonim, Niles Township Jewish Congregation of Skokie. This is the third in the series of my favorite Jewish jokes. The first one has to do with both the Rabbi, and they all have to do with Rabbi’s. First that we are going top do is Rabbi’s and Kashrut and Temptations. For those Rabbi’s who lives in a house which is two doors away from a synagogue and in the middle of the story that specializes in baked pig. And, in the window of this restaurant is a little pig with an apple in the mouth. The Rabbi walks back and forward by this restaurant for many years.and gradually, sitting in his office were at home it begins thinking about the picture on his window and begins top build up desire and finally he is daydreaming about this pig all the time.
And so finally one day he gives in temptation he goes into the restaurant and he orders the pig and he sits on the corner off course he is very nervous if somebody is going to see him because pigs were forbidden by Jewish law. It would not be good for Rabbi to be caught eating pig. So he eats it and never mind for in fact that God can see him anyway but he shuts that out of his mind, he is eating the pig and it is delicious. Few months later go by and again he is day dreaming about this and he gives temptation again, he goes into the restaurant and orders this little pig, comes out with the apple in the mouth, he sits down and eats it. All the time nervous, if somebody will going to see him and finally after this goes on for several years one day he is sitting at the back of the restaurant as he normally does and the waiter says I see you bring out the piggy. And, he is sitting down he gives a tap on his shoulder and the President of the Synagogue, hey Rabbi I was walking by and saw him in the window, how are you?
The rabbi is off course so nervous now, he cannot believe it, so he gets up to go tell the waiter not to not to bring the pig and it comes the waiter with little pig with an apple in the mouth. The rabbi now said “Oh for it is for perplexity it is so nervous. The president looks at him, looks at the pig and he is about to say something and the Rabbi says oh my God I am a dumb here. I ordered a big apple and that’s what they serve it. Anyway that is joke number 1. Number 2 is another Rabbi story, new Rabbi starts on the congregation and in order to understand this on you have to know a little bit about con Judaism in modern Jews. So the new rabbi starts with the president at the first week since Rabbi are new here and I know it will be very wonderful. I just want to talk to you about the theme for the sermon to see what you are going to talk about.
The rabbi said well the Torah portion this week deals with the Diatrim uskasrup thought I would talk about that. The Rabbi’s as well, you know how it is kind of casualty sort of old fashion not so many caravans conclusion here. I think it would be better for your first sermon if you did not really rack the boat to much and give a sermon about the Kashrut. The Rabbi said well, I know it is Shabbat and I thought that maybe if I would talk about Kashrut I could talk about Shabbat as the essential holiday day of the Jewish week and how center it is to Judaism. The president said Rabbi when you know not too many people are observed at this area at the wrong hand but some come to services not too many. The most people worked as they do not observe the Shabbat in old fashion way. Maybe it should not talk about the about Shabbat, talk about something else.
The rabbi said well as I am going to talk about the importance of visiting Israel and the importance of Israel to Jews and the president said “oh not too many Jews has visited Israel and you know a lot of Jews do not seem to care that much anymore. The Rabbi’s now a little exasperated they said that the president off. They do not want to talk about Kashrut, you do not want me to talk about the Shabbat, and you know what that is in Israel. What do you think to would be safe to talk about and the President said Oh you know, Yiddish type, general Jewishness.
Third story, another kind of a joke rabbis like to tell each other. Its particular congregation had a wonderful rabbi and the artist and they honor him every year. Now he is 95 by giving the big sermon of the other co mentors sermon. Only one problem for the last 5 years is giving the exact same sermon word for word and they are little frustrated about it but they love him so much and they are sort of intimated by them, they do not know what to do. For finally about March, you know 5 months after Yom Kippur. Three past presidents said thou go talking. They are making appointment to see him and they go to his house and rabbi he know he love you they love the fact that to give the commenter a sermon. There is only one problem you have given the same sermon for five years word for word, the rabbis said I did. Yes you did rabbi, what did I say? So they are looking at each other and the rabbi well you know it is five months after Yom Kippur. They do not already remember what you said.
The rabbi said I will tell you what. I give the sermon next year and if you come back to me in March and you can remember what I actually said that I will stop giving that sermon. The story number four, the most pious rabbi on the world dies. Now the background of this joke is that is in the Jewish legends when we go to heaven we get a choice of either beef or fish and as you know according to Jewish dietary laws, it is very difficult to prepare beef couture. You have to slaughter a certain way and you have to check, you have to check for the blood all that the fish basically no preparation as long as the fish is couture. So those pious rabbi in the world died and goes to heaven and God says rabbi because of you piety I will tell you what? I am going to be the waiter on for you at this meal when you go to heaven and as you know from the traditional legends you have a choice between the beef or fish, what would you like? The rabbi says God tell me something that is going to make sure the beef is couture? God said I will, the rabbi’ says I will take the fish. It really has more of the joke about how some people like to do what up man ship in the Kashrut world but it is still cute. One final joke this beloved Rabbi a brilliant guest, great sermons but every time before he starts sermons is he takes a little box out of his pocket and opens it up, reads something in the box, puts it back from its pocket , puts up in its desk drawer and locks it up. The accountants over the years notice about him and they are dying to know what is in that little piece of paper but he would not tell him and they are too embraced to ask him. So, one day when he is 87 years old giving a sermon, by the middle of the sermon he drops down and the pope did die with heart attack. So they are stun and they are sad and they rush up to him and one says you know what now we have a chance we can go and find out what is in that paper, Yahweh’s reads on his office. So they take the keys out of his pocket leave him lying their and they run to the office and they unlocked the drawer and they pull out the box and then there is a little piece of paper and what does it says? It says Hebrew is read from right to left. Anyway I hope you enjoyed those sense of humor for video number 3 of Jewish jokes.
Transcription by:
Scribe4you Transcription Services