Learn About Toxic Friendships

Audra Lowe: Well, we all know how complicated female friendships can be and here to break it all down for us is the author of Toxic Friends, Susan Shapiro Barash. Good to have you back Susan. Susan Shapiro Barash: Thanks, good to be here. Audra Lowe: You're very busy with writing the book so you got the new book out called Toxic Friends, but when you did you research, what did you find was the number one complaint or issue that women had when it came to friendships? Susan Shapiro Barash: That women don’t have enough time for one another. We can on our girlfriends, we hope that they’ll be there and then there's always another reason why they can't be there. Children, husbands, work, a parent they’re taking care over, they're responsible to. And so you expect so much, we hold the bar so high with our female friends and in the end they really end disappointing us. Audra Lowe: So then, why there are so many women have so many close female friends but a lot of men that you're asking in the book said that their best friend was their wife? Susan Shapiro Barash: That’s right so true isn't it? What we get from our female friends that we can’t get from our guys and so you’ll go to chick flick or you go shopping at a shoe sale and we look to our girlfriends to kind of fill that need. Audra Lowe: In your research, you also found out that a lot of women still hold onto, still cling onto the destructive relationships and friendships that they have instead of just letting them go, how come? Susan Shapiro Barash: It’s so hard to let go, we’re really stock at what happens. And we don’t want to fell, you know we’re raise to be good girls and good girls would not fell at a relationship and then we make it excuses for this friends. Audra Lowe: I would always think it’s because women have a tough time saying no sometimes so it’s just difficult to make that clean break, right? Susan Shapiro Barash: It would be really a cataclysmic event that would change it. In other words perhaps your friend seduces your boyfriend or she isn't very kind to your child or she's just overtly competitive with you and you say that’s enough. But even then it’s so hard this break ups, it’s like a romantic break up. Audra Lowe: Is it tough for women to change their role and relationships and the friendships, let’s just say that you were considered the doormat, now you want to change yourself to more of a leader role, is it tough to make that transition for you? Susan Shapiro Barash: It is tough because we’re pave so early by kindergarten by first grade you know who at girl at, we know who the wall flower is so it’s very hard, you have to be really determined. Audra Lowe: And also texting, social networking, you found in your book destroying relationships when it comes to women? Susan Shapiro Barash: Well again, you can hold the bar so high you know if your friend doesn’t text back or if she doesn’t answer her cellphone then you say look at what she's done to me. Audra Lowe: And what was the most surprising thing that you found in all the research for the book? Susan Shapiro Barash: Just how in frequently we really look at ourselves and say, “Well, what kind of friend are we to this friend?” and that’s one reason I wrote the book to be a guide book for them. Audra Lowe: Because we definitely need that sometimes especially in friendships, you don’t think that it’s not difficult at all until you read the book and realized it’s complicated, right? Susan Shapiro Barash: It’s complicated. Audra Lowe: In your book, you also say that losing a female friend can have more way precautions for women than breaking up with boyfriend or a husband, is that true? Susan Shapiro Barash: It’s so true because we live along time when we don’t marry until 25 or 30 so you're with your girlfriends before that, divorce is at 50% so you'll end up divorced perhaps with your girlfriend as your social life. And then again, men die off quickly so more quickly than women. And so, we have a lot of reasons to need these friends so anything that goes wrong is really, really hurtful. Audra Lowe: And before we go, you said there is a new style of friendship for women in the 21st century, what is it? Susan Shapiro Barash: It’s one more you really want intimacy. You know, my grandmother did not need to be so close with her girlfriends. Audra Lowe: Right, very, very interesting. Susan Shapiro Barash: So, we spill it off. Audra Lowe: Good book! Thank you so much. Susan Shapiro Barash: Thank you. Audra Lowe: Good to have you back here Ms. Susan. And for other great ways to go lasting friendships, improve existing one, or even just get rid of that one that causes your misery, take up a copy of Susan’s book, it’s called Toxic Friends and it’s available now.