Learn about Abstinence

Dan: Today on Ask Dan and Jennifer, what does abstinence mean to you? It sounds like a very simple question but it may not be as black and white as you think. Find out what a very good little girl can do and still be considered a virgin. Jennifer: Okay! So I think most us can agree to the fact that on the definition that abstinence means waiting until you're married to have sex, right? Dan: No, that is the common societal understanding in our culture. Jennifer: Yeah! That’s what abstinence means generally. But here is where it gets complicated. What does having sex mean? Dan: Aha! The difference. So, having sex, are we talking about penetration, vaginal intercourse, are you still a virgin? What about oral sex? Can you go down on a guy or a girl and still be a virgin? How about anal sex? Can you go back there and are you still a virgin? What about the use of sex toys? What kind of—I mean, is there a limitation, what kid of sex toys can you use? I mean, are we talking at certain, you know, under half a foot long, you're still a virgin? Jennifer: I don’t know. Dan: I’m just saying it. Cucumbers? As long as you stay abed, you're still a virgin. Just asking. How about masturbation? Are there—and manual stimulations, still a virgin, I don’t know. Jennifer: I don’t know. So, as you can see, the definition of abstinence all of a sudden gets very murky and muddy because the sex is not defined. Dan: Okay. Jennifer: It is undefined. So, I mean, here is what we have to say about abstinence. We believe that it is a personal choice. You have to look inside and examine your own personal beliefs, your moral beliefs and what waiting for sex means to you. Okay, don’t worry— Dan: And why are you doing it? Jennifer: Don’t worry about what everyone else says. You need to sit back and say, “Okay, if I kiss someone, is that okay? If I masturbate, is that okay? If I have anal sex or oral sex, whatever, is that okay? You need to really search in your heart and figure out what feels right to you. Dan: And the problem is that people don’t think that through and then you have slipped on that one time and whoops. Jennifer: Yeah! If you don’t think it through, you may end up breaking some rule that you didn’t know you were breaking. Dan: At least for my perspective, I think it’s very important to know why you're doing something. Not just do it because somebody said so because so many of our thoughts are regurgitated by somebody else. And as you start to grow, you realize, “Wow! That wasn’t really my play. That doesn’t make sense, it’s kind of stupid.” Jennifer: Yeah! And now that I think about it, what does that mean? Dan: You know, and we’re not saying abstinence is right or wrong it just has to be— Jennifer: No, it’s a personal choice. Dan: Exactly and that’s where we are. It’s very important to question everything. Is it right for you and why are you doing it? Because mom and dad said so because you know, cause your church said so. Jennifer: Because your church said so, yeah! Dan: And why are you having sex, because all of the guys at school say they're doing it. Jennifer: Yeah! Dan: Are they? I don’t know. And it’s a very interesting thing because in some more religious cultures, and we’re not go into details, its commonly understood and expected that a woman stays a virgin until she gets married but when you dig deep a little bit into those cultures, you find that those same girls can enjoy anal sex. They can go down on a guy as many times as they want in a day and they’re still a virgin. So, it’s just very interesting to explore it out. What is abstinence and what is it not? Now, a very important point for us, because we do believe that it is a personal choice, you got to make sure that one, you understand why you're doing it and two, do it for the right reasons not because somebody said, “Dude, because you know, for you, in your heart.” And, -- are waiting for them to have sex. You know, wait till you’re 30, 35, a great time to have sex, I mean, mid thirties, you know what you're doing by then. Don’t have sex early. Jennifer: You know, most of them are sure enough to handle the consequences, right. Dan: Exactly, physically and emotionally mature, okay. But we’re also huge fans, absolute huge fans of being informed. Because when you're educated and informed, you get to make smarter choices. Just saying that, “I’m going to be abstinent.” I’m never going to have sex doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t know how to act— Jennifer: So I don’t need to worry about birth control. I don’t need to worry STD’s, no. Dan: Wrong. That doesn’t mean that. That is so, so wrong, and that’s when you get somebody pregnant, when you're 15 and that’s when you get STD’s, when you're 15, okay by not being educated. Be smart and get sexually educated because you know what, when you're educated and you know all these protection, you know all these things, you can make smart informed choices. Jennifer: Exactly. So, here's our question to you. Is there one definition of abstinence that we should all be following, right? If not, what is your definition of abstinence and how do you feel that we should treat? Is it a personal choice? Is it a religious choice? We want to know what you think on the topic. Dan: What do you personally think? Let us know.