Dr. Anthony Kane: This is Dr. Anthony Kane from the Complete Connection Parenting Program with another parent tip for you. Today we are going to discuss a problem that all parents face and absolutely no one wants to admit. That is what you do when your child is stealing. Now, all parents face it because basically at some point in your child's life and of the most of the children, some are going to have these ones; your child is going to steal, and it's a problem, you have to face it.
First, let's goes through some of the basic principles. If your child is four or five years old, he is not really capable of stealing and the reason is this, because a child who is three or four or five, doesn't usually have a good sense of possession. He doesn't understand the concept of taking from other people. He doesn't understand people own things. As child is older, however, that changes, and an older child does understand stealing is wrong, and has to be hold accountable for that.
So, let's first discuss why children steal, and one of the reasons children steal is because they really can't control themselves, and that's for younger children also. A child see something once a week, he doesn't have the maturity or the ability to hold himself back and he will take what he wants. Another reason that children steal, is because their basic needs are not being met. They feel a lack of attention or lack of something and they steal things to fill the void. Child may need more attention. Another reason children steal is to give them the sense of control over their lives. If something happened, they feel unstable, they feel insecure and stealing gives them a sense of power. Another reason children still pick if they are olden children is because of peer pressure. There's is something that the other children have they want, or they are in with a crowd that stealing is considered a nice thing, or a macho or a thing to do, and they want it in, so they steal.
So, what you'll do when you suspect your child is stealing? Number one, you have to stay calm. Do not take this personally, children steal. It doesn't means he let the crime, it doesn't means he is a bad child. It's just one of those parts of growing up that children often fall into, and you have to react appropriately. Also, do not accuse your child.
If your child is stealing and you do not know about it, you have not have seen him or caught him, you cannot accuse him of stealing. That means if somebody tells he was stealing, or someone thinks he is stealing, or there is circumstantial evidence that he is stealing, you do not approach your child. You have to catch your child in the act. The reason is this because if your child denies it, you must believe your child, because it's very important for your child that you trust him. And if the child denies it, he is going to deny if you don't catch him. You are putting something in a very bad situation, where you have to not believe your child, and that's not good for your child or for you and it affects your child.
So, what you want to do is catch your child in act. Let me explain what that means. A typical example, you have $50 bill in you purse, and it's gone. Now going through your child's door, you find a nice crisp $50 bill. You did not catch your child, may be your child got it from somewhere else. Maybe you dropped it and your child found the $50 bill. Maybe he picked it up from the street. You don't know how he got it that's not called catching your child.
Catching your child is when you catch him in the act, you've seen him taking something up yours, or something of that nature, you have to actually catch your child. I'll give you and example. Once I was with my child, my child had a problem of stealing at one point, one of our children, and he took money from my wife's purse. He was about eight, nine years old at that time, and we saw him walking out of the store, with things in his hands that he bought. Now I didn't accuse him, I didn't say anything too much, just brought at home, but he knew he was caught. Now I couldn't accuse him because he said, he found the money, I couldn't do it, I wouldn't be able to do anything. I didn't say anything but he knew he was caught.
So, what you do now, when you catch your child stealing, when you know he has stolen or he submitted he has stolen? The first thing you have to do is teach him to correct the wrong thing he did. What that means, if he stole from somebody else, he has to go to the person he has stolen from, pay them back in restitution and apologize and say, he won't do it again. If he stole from you, you should estimate why he took and find some way for him to pay you back, that could be from chores or something else, some way to right to wrong.
The next thing you've to do is put temptation out of the way. If a child needs something he wants to steal, you have to make sure he doesn't have access to it. If you've money, put the money somewhere else where he can't find the money. The nice thing is put the incident in the past. He is finished, he was caught, he paid back, he said, he was sorry to whatever he did, it's over, you still trust your child. You still consider him a good boy, or a good girl, and you continue to trust your child, because it's something that children do.
The final thing and the most important thing really as a principle of parenting in general because you must be a good role model. You must be honest, and your child must see you as honest. That means you don't talk about shooting on taxes, or you don't shoot on taxes. If someone pays you back too much money or change at the store, you can give him money back. You do the things that show that you are an honest person and you'll value honesty.
That's principle you do. If you catch your child stealing, don't worry, don't panic. It happens, children do it, and if you handle it appropriately, it will be a one-time or a short-term incident in your child's life and over as a habit.
This is Dr. Anthony Kane from the Complete Connection Parenting Program. If you would like more parent tips, please come to our website at ccparenting.com and sign up for our free news letter, and you will get these tips regularly.
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