Love Advice - Is There A Right Way To Argue and Fight?

Jennifer: Hi! We are back again with our good friend Paul Carlson, he is a Life Coach here in Dallas, Texas and over the next few videos, we are actually going to try to answer some of your toughest questions in the way that its non that judgmental and just kind of our normal, how do I want to say, in a way that only we can do it. Dan: Yeah, that works. Jennifer: Okay, here is the deal, we all disagree sometimes. It doesn't matter how happy you are as a couple and how much you love each other, fact is you are going to disagree sometimes, okay. And what can actually make or break a relationship is how you handle those situations when you disagree. Dan: People start throwing things and people start ducking. Jennifer: Yeah, Yeah, how you handle in a way so that you don't Dan is not hiding under the table. Dan: Or under my little dog or something, it just depends on the situation and things are fine. Jennifer: So far, aside from hiding under the little dog, how can couples handle these kinds of things, so that they tear the relationship apart? Paul Carlson: Well the way that, that some couples handle things, either the man or the woman is they become passive, aggressive. Now what that means is that they tell the other one what they want to hear and then they end up doing with they want to do anyway or even worse they just go along when it's really bugging the crap out of them. And that builds up and builds up and builds up and what used to be a little thing becomes a really big thing, okay. The main thing here is to be an adult, recognize that it's okay for adults to agree, to disagree and to recognize that men and women are wired differently. They are going to have different opinions, they are going to have different ways of doing things that makes them feel like, oh it's being done the right way. And the bottom line is, it's about communication. And like when it comes of child bearing, you do have to come to some kind of a conclusion and then even if you are not the one that "wins the argument", you have to go along and support the other one in front of the children. Okay you have got to show a common support there, because you don't want those kids to feel all that conflict. Jennifer: Or then you are going to play one off the other, right? Paul Carlson: Oh Yeah. Dan: Even my little dog has picked that out perfectly. Paul Carlson: Well and what you do in that context, is you just give all your power way to those kids. They are going to run you like a train. Dan: Oh yeah, they catch up, sure. Paul Carlson: So the big thing here is to recognize that in all adult relationships, this is whether it's a significant other, whether its two friends that live together, whether its brothers or sisters that live together or whatever. Dan: Yeah. Paul Carlson: There is always going to be disagreements. Dan: Sure, we are all humans especially men and women. Paul Carlson: Over it, it's your ego that wants you to be right and the other one to be wrong. But you know of what, sometimes there is two valid different opinions to the same situation. Jennifer: Then you can both be right. Paul Carlson: Yeah. If you can both be right, it's not the end of the world. Okay, agree to disagree and move on. But the big thing here again, and we talk about this over and over again is communication. Don't go silent, don't just tell them what they want to hear and then do it, you want to do. That all has consequences down the line, they are quite frank you don't want to do it. So just be honest, be direct and recognize that this is the passion. It's okay to be passionate. Jennifer: So how do you do? What happens when you felt passion? [Voice Overlap] take over. Dan: Passion, throw that hairbrush over your head, you. Jennifer: How do you diffuse it? Yeah, once it reaches that level. Dan: You mind, everyone has a little dog to hide under. Seriously. Paul Carlson: First of all you do it? Dan: No, no, I got that, I got that down. Then I hide her under the dog, but what can you do to diffuse that situation? Just in brief, simply. Now what can you do? Paul Carlson: What do you do with little kids when they get out of line? Dan: Jennifer? Jennifer: Time out. Paul Carlson: Time out, time out, time out. Look you have to understand that the way our brains are wired and the way that all that stuff works is when you get into an argument, the more you argue, okay, you raise your voice and anybody that's a third party watching is, what do they do? They watch and they see. The more you raise your voice and the louder you get, what happens? You become less and less rational. Dan: Yeah. Paul Carlson: And pretty soon, both of you are doing that and neither one of you is making a damn little sense. Dan: You said this, I had to say something more hurtful and. Paul Carlson: Okay. Dan: Here is something hurtful. Paul Carlson: So it's okay to be an adult and recognize. Look this is just a human condition. It's not going to go away, get over it. It's okay to fight, its okay to have disagreements, that's part of the human condition. So what you do is say, look, we are not getting any ground this. So if you are not to that space in your relationship where you can just say, well let's agree to disagree. Maybe something that really has to be the side that in order for things to go forward. You say, lets take a little bit of time on this and I'll think about what you said and you think about what I said and lets see where we can meet somewhere in the middle. Dan: And give time for the. Paul Carlson: Well, you got to let that brain weaver activity slow down. What's happening literally in the brain is you are going up above 13-14 cycles per second of electro magnetic brain weaver of activities -- yeah, that [Voice Overlap] when he threw a stuff at me. Jennifer: He is lying; I didn't throw anything. Paul Carlson: Well, as she did, you can hit her hard enough, it didn't make an impact anyway. Dan: The way you were looking at me when you were talking about passive, aggressive and you too. Paul Carlson: Okay, alright. The bottom line is take some space, take some time, go cool off because when you do, all of the sudden you start becoming rational again. Then you can realistically review what the other person said and that person also having the time out has little time to realistically review it what you said. And you know what there is usually some elements of truth in both sides. Dan: Yeah. Paul Carlson: Okay. Unless you help one person who is an absolute control freak, but we need her out there. Again, you [Voice Overlap] work for couples that are into actually being a partnership and not being the slave-master relationship, it's. Jennifer: That's another video. Paul Carlson: Yeah. Dan: All different topics. We will get back to that. We have something serious.