Hi, this is Dr. Anthony Kane from the Complete Connection Parenting Program with another parenting tip for you. This parenting tip is about using rewards properly for children with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and ADHD. I have a lot of other things to talk to, and you will see why.
Now, we discussed earlier how most people give rewards, and it is hard to get rewards for other people. It just doesn't work with the ODD kids, and we will see why here also. But let's give you an example of how you should use rewards, and can use rewards, so it's effective for you. So let's take an example of Cindy who is a 12 or 13-year old girl who hates folding laundry. Now you happen to be at home. You are running out of time, your husband is coming home, dinner is not ready and you have got a pile of laundry to fold. So one way to do it, and the way people usually do it, is to go to Cindy and say, Cindy, I really going to be bind with the laundry, and I need your help to fold it.
Let's work out this. What I will do is, I know you want this DVD that you have been talking about. So, you fold the laundry, and I will call your father, and have him bring the DVD home from way to work. That's a straight business deal. Typical reward, you do the work, you get the reward. That is how people teach parenting, teach to give rewards, and here is the problem with that. Cindy will now evaluate. She is sitting around watching Soap Operas or doing something else, talking with her friends. Is it worth a DVD to stop doing that? And sure there will be a yes or no answer, a straight business deal. And one of the thing that you have done with that, you have now fixed the price for folding laundry, folding laundry equal one DVD, you will never ever get away for less than that for folding laundry. So that is the problem with that approach. We still wait. Most people teach how to do it.
So here is how you should do it. Here is the proper way of using rewards. Same scenario, Cindy, 12-13, hates laundry, you are stuck, husband is coming home. You go to her and say, Cindy, I am really in a bind. I got home late from work today, I have got to make dinner, your father is coming home, nothing is ready, the laundry has gone up to the ceiling. Could you please help me out? Do me a favor. Would you mind stopping what you are doing, and just for a minute, just this time, please help me fold the laundry. Now, she may do it, or may not do it, but what you are doing right now, is your appealing to her sense of fairness, her sense of reason and appealing to the matured teenager inside, and a plea for help.
Most people, unless there is something really pressing will respond to that, and then when you are done, when she is done, you are going to go up to her and say, Cindy, I am so thankful to you, you helped me so much. I really appreciate you helped me. I want o show you my appreciation. I am going to call your father, and have him bring a DVD home that you have been wanting to get this so long. Same thing, same scenario, same problem, same child, same DVD, but here is the big difference.
In the first case, th DVD was payment for work. Either the payment is worth it or it is not worth it. In the second case, the DVD was not payment at all. The payment you gave your child was the appreciation that she helped, and also the ability to be the one in control making a decision. This for a ODD child is gold, they love being in control, and you gave them the control, and showed that they are the ones in charge, and you showed an emotional appreciation which is something you cannot buy with money. Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It helps you, it helps your child, and it builds your relationship.
So is the DVD. The DVD was just a symbol of your appreciation. Just a thank you, a symbol, but the real reward was the appreciation which builds your relationship with your child, and makes everything go smooth in your family. So, the next time your daughter has something or you want her to do something, you can ask in the same way, and sure you can give the appreciation, that you should always give, they want to get appreciation, but the DVD, trinket, whatever, maybe she will get it, maybe she won't. It is a nice thing, but it is not the motivating factor, and that's how you use rewards to build relationship with your child, to get compliance, and make your child feel that she is the one in control, and the mature, and more matured, and really help improves the child's behavior and your relationship with your child.
This is Dr. Anthony Kane from the Clinic, Complete Connection Parenting Program. For more tips on parenting, please go to ccparenting.com, and sign up for our free e-letter, parenting e-letter there. Thank you, have a great day.
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