Jennifer: Virtual Cheating! This is from Katine in California. Dear Dan and Jennifer, I just recently found out that my husband has been emailing other woman online. When I confronted him, he said, he didn't think it was cheating. We have a great marriage, and a great sex life. How do I get past this and begin to trust again? The first question, is it cheating?
Dan: Of course not, they are not real woman. They are just online. These concepts don't have real woman. Wait, wait, there are real women type to those chat rooms. So perhaps look, well, our definition of cheating. Here is this, our definition of cheating is a little different than many people's. It's sort of like the intent of doing something, not necessarily that you don't have to consummate this thing with an act of having sex with someone.
Jennifer: Sex is not cheating. We will get to that in a minute.
Dan: In sex, by the way, it doesn't have to be cheating, exactly. But, anything that you do behind your partner's back that breaks that sacred trust that you have together in your partnership. That is what we consider cheating. Going to drinks with - your guy go onto drinks with some girl, go and have drinks with some girl behind your back, and not telling you about it. That is cheating on you. A lot of therapists has defined this as emotional cheating. But, that's what we're talking about is cheating.
Jennifer: Literally, doing anything that your partner doesn't know about and you know so well that they are probably not okay with it, that's why you are hiding it.
Dan: That dark feeling inside you that you know you are doing wrong. That's the one. And you are doing these little chat with all these hot girls online, and your wife walks and crap, Alt F4, close all these windows. Yeah, I am, playing solitaire.
Jennifer: Yeah, and you know what, we have nothing against porn, but if you wait till your wife goes to bed every night, and you are watching porn after she goes to bed. So that you can do whatever you want to do without her. That's cheating.
Dan: We believe that's cheating, yes exactly. Sex, doesn't has to be cheating, but we will get to that in other video. We have done enough of those.
Jennifer: So that's our deal. Here is the deal. You and your husband have to sit down and decide what cheating is to you. What's okay, what's not okay. It's so funny. Most people get married, and he has got one idea in his head and she has got another idea in her head about the rules of the relationship, and I can guarantee you, if you haven't talked about it to each other, your rules are different. Somebody is going to get in trouble and not even know why.
Dan: Because, I would be very curios to know. It's okay for him to chat with all these girls online? Is it okay for you to be chatting in most of relationships with guys online?
Jennifer: Yeah.
Dan: I am just curios. I am willing to bet that, that was just his cup out because he got caught, and he didn't want to say, well, shit I screwed up.
Jennifer: Yeah. Here is the thing too. I mean, is he honest with you about and does he tell you about it?
Dan: Or did you catch him --
Jennifer: Or did you catch him, because that is a big difference, because maybe, well, obviously she caught him.
Dan: But, yeah. He is not going to say, well I do something.
Jennifer: Yeah. So yeah, in this situation we do think it's cheating. You guys just have to talk to each other. If you want to know why he is doing it, you have got to make him feel safe enough to tell you. You can't just attack him and tell him, he did wrong, because my guess is you guys probably never have talked about if this is okay or not. Jennifer: So you've got to define the rules. Talk to each other, say what the boundaries are and what the rules are.
Dan: Now, we have a question for you.
Jennifer: Yes. Do you think it's cheating?
Dan: What do you think? We want to hear. You don't have to agree with us. Be stable, be nice, but make your case. Leave a comment, is it cheating, is it not, and why, is the most important?
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