Parentline and New Baby

Wendy Turner-Webster: A new baby can create a huge amount of stress and chaos in a family, from exhaustion to jealous kids and a left out father. The demands of a newborn can be emotionally and physically draining, especially during the first few weeks. Valerie Outram who works for the charity, Parentline Plus, is here to talk about dealing with this incredibly stressful period in your life. So Valerie, newborn baby, the first baby that comes along into your life and I'm sure lots of mothers watching can relate to this topic. What are the obvious problems that Parentline Plus gets calls about? Valerie Outram: Well, I think the main thing is that we have a baby and we don't have an instruction manual. We don't receive any training. There we are with this new life that's totally depend on us and there is a huge amount of anxiety about getting it right and I think there's a lot of pressure on new mothers nowadays to be perfect and to have perfect children. There are so many instructions and advice coming from different people that sometimes in the middle of it, parents feel very -- mothers feel very overwhelmed and are anxious about their inability. Wendy Turner-Webster: So if someone is in that situation, they can ring Parentline Plus? Valerie Outram: Definitely, anytime of day or night. We're open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day and I know that personally, when my baby woke up at five in the morning and I was up for now, I thought I was the only person in the world awake at that time but you know now, we have Parentline Plus and you can call somebody and they'll be there and they'll answer and may be just calm you down in the situation that you just feel like you're tearing you hair out and your baby is screaming and you don't know what to do. And it's somebody that's awaken who can help you at anytime. Wendy Turner-Webster: When we're rambling, Garry and I brought Jack, our first baby back home, we rang up the hospital so it was in the middle of the night, saying, he is crying, what should we do? Now I look back and think oh my gosh, you know, so naïve. We didn't know what to do. We've got a crying baby, suddenly in our bedroom and we didn't know what we do. We don't know. Valerie Outram: Well, I think you're definitely not alone. I think that most people experience that with a new baby. It's a huge shock. It's that feeling of the dependency that hits you like a ton of bricks. Wendy Turner-Webster: Absolutely. Valerie Outram: And you know you need to know that there are people out there, they can help you. Wendy Turner-Webster: I'll tell you what, the advice she gave, the nurse at the hospital, she says well, if he's crying put him into bed with you two and I'm sure he'll be alright. The only trouble is he stopped crying and he is still in our bed. Valerie Outram: There are all strategies that you could employ. Wendy Turner-Webster: Absolutely yes. So that's an obvious one that the newborn, first child coming in. What about when second, third, forth baby comes along. That too brings its own stress and strains and pressures onto the whole family, doesn't it? Valerie Outram: Of course it does, yes. Wendy Turner-Webster: The other children too. Valerie Outram: Yes. Then you have siblings that are feeding a little bit. Those pushed out the joint a little bit and a slightly threatened in the situation and you have a difficult behavior from maybe toddlers. So you have a new baby and you have toddlers making demands, your partner is probably working all hours to try and support you and you're there in the middle trying to cope and of course, with your second and third baby, you don't have anyone near, the same amount of help by family or friends. Wendy Turner-Webster: Yes, you've done it before; you've done it once so you know what you're doing. Valerie Outram: You are expected to just get on with it. Wendy Turner-Webster: That's right. Valerie Outram: But of course, it can be much more difficult. I think one of the main thing is to try and involve your children into the feeling of it's their baby too and to ask them if they want to sort of help names and things like that. And also sort of, I think, if the baby is crying and driving everybody crazy, it's okay for a mother to say oh! This baby! Bring the children on board saying he does cry a lot, doesn't it? And then that allows them to talk about their feelings and say and to express their feelings like yes, I am fed up with the baby. Now you can take it back to the hospital if you want. Wendy Turner-Webster: It's funny actually because Jack and I often talk about how naughty Freddy is, my little one. We have a little alliance there. Valerie Outram: I think that's very positive because it's sort of makes them feel involved and it's all part of the family and they have a say and I think that's what worries children in there. They just have been pushed out and they don't have a place anymore. Wendy Turner-Webster: So presumably one of the major things that come across when people ring Parentline Plus about a child coming into the family, a newborn particularly is exhaustion. Is that to drive you nuts, isn't it? Valerie Outram: Yes, I mean that just puts everything one level further, it just pushes people over the edge when you haven't slept for weeks and you can't see an end in sight. Wendy Turner-Webster: I remember getting to the point, I was nearly crying. I think sometimes I was crying with tiredness. Valerie Outram: Well, it's a torture, isn't it? Wendy Turner-Webster: Absolutely! Yes, it's a form of torture; sleep deprivation. Valerie Outram: And then parents say, oh this is nothing; I think that's the way. You wait until they are older. Actually, I think definitely the most stressful is when you are getting used to something new and it's a very, very difficult time. I think everybody feels that. Wendy Turner-Webster: So when people ring the charity, do you give advice and handy hints and tips or is it more you're there to actually listen and talk through a problem. Valerie Outram: Well, we're definitely there to listen. That's our main overriding emphasis really. We do have other organizations that we can refer the mom to. We wouldn't give a medical advice. We would always tell them to go to the doctor or to ring NHS Direct in the same way that we don't give legal advice. It's about - Wendy Turner-Webster: But you can refer. Valerie Outram: We can refer them on to other people. But it's about emotional support and allowing, giving parents back the power and the control to themselves. I'm not saying we're the experts; we're going to take this away from you, saying actually, you can cope because you know sometimes that sort of advice, if you like, can be quite this empowering. I mean we want to give back the power to the parents, say, you actually can cope. You just need to calm down a little bit and think through what you've got that you can do and to be able to feel confident about their parenting. Wendy Turner-Webster: It's very much as well is reassuring parents that they're not alone. Everyone else out there aren't super parents and doing it by the book. You have the perfect children. Valerie Outram: Yes, well you bump out the images on adverse and what are -- the perfect family and when you're - Wendy Turner-Webster: Clean baby? Valerie Outram: Yes, exactly. When he was coming up to scratch, then it can make you feel very inadequate and I think that's what one of the main jobs that we've got to do is to try and tell parents that they're not alone and that everybody has a problem. Wendy Turner-Webster: I think as well when you're a parent for the first time, you suddenly realize how the focus has shifted from you and you actually don't have time for yourself anymore and that can be a big thing to adjust to. Valerie Outram: That again is one of our messages to parents is that you have to look after your own needs. You have to recognize that you have -- Wendy Turner-Webster: Don't let yourself go. Valerie Outram: Yeah. Well, not to let yourself go but remember, you have needs as an adult and that if you recognize them and reward yourself and recognize that when you're not coping to give yourself time and space to move away, it gives you strength to be able to come back and to carry on coping. If you don't recognize your own needs really, then you're going to find it difficult to recognize your baby's needs. Of course, babies have needs and thoughts but they can't express them. They just do it by screaming and kicking their legs around. So it's quite difficult. I think it is that sense of frustration of not knowing what they're trying to tell you. But unless you look after yourself and keep yourself calm and sane, really you're not going to do the best job you can do with your baby. Wendy Turner-Webster: I suppose if this is the classic example of how the focus shifts from the parents suddenly onto their little baby you've got in front of you. The parents are not having time for each other anymore and that sort of relationship and sexual relationship gone out of the window. Valerie Outram: Yes, it's a difficult time for couples. I think it's all about communication really and about expressing how difficult you're finding it with your partner. The partner often feels that his needs are being put onto second or third place and to recognize that we all have needs and sometimes you can feel a bit fed up. So I think you have to build in time if you want to keep the relationship going and strong is to remember that you need to give your partner sometime and space as well. The baby will survive if you'll leave it with a responsible adult and fix some time to go and have some time for yourself and your partner. Wendy Turner-Webster: Do you get dads calling in who feel left out? Valerie Outram: Definitely, yes, we definitely do and yes, some peoples have step-dads that come in that are trying to adjust to a new situation but yes, we do. I think as again with women as more pressure on men, of course, now, to be more active as a parent and sometimes they want to be active but they don't quite know what to do with themselves, especially with a new baby when the mother is breastfeeding, for example, and fathers will, what am I supposed to do? Wendy Turner-Webster: What's my role? Valerie Outram: Yes, what's my role and it's difficult and I think if we just stress how you really must try and talk to each other about how you're feeling and not necessarily to put it on hold to think that it's important. Wendy Turner-Webster: Now, jealous partners which obviously we've talked about, I would think of major, major problems must come out in the instance where there is a newborn coming into a step-family situation. I mean very complex issues must be involved there. Valerie Outram: It of course is very complex. I think really what it is it's about different perceptions. The adults in the new relationship are in love. They want to see a new baby as something that's cementing a family. So they have one perception about this new baby bringing people together and of course, they have to remember that actually their children might have from the other relationship. Well, probably more than likely have a completely different perception of it. They see this new baby as a symbol of it, mom and dad are definitely not going to get back together. There is no going back. It takes time I think that needs to sort of allow people to have different feelings and to accept that your excitement about your new baby might not be shared. I think anyway you can do that is by just keeping that lines of communication open and allowing people to express may be negative feelings that they have. I think eventually people get used to it and settle down and may be that bond does happen in the end but it does take time and being open I think. Wendy Turner-Webster: Yes absolutely, which of course, it's the whole point of Parentline Plus, isn't it, to talk? Valerie Outram: Definitely. I think something happens in brain. I think when you actually express what it is you're feeling, it allows you to calm down and may be sort of get your thoughts in some sort of order and to know what you're feeling. Sometimes it's very difficult to know what you're feeling. I suppose that's the job of the call taker on the other end of the line to sort of see someway through that sort pf chaos sometimes when people are feeling very confused and they don't know what they're feeling. They've got this feeling; they've got that feeling, just trying to see a way through and to identify what it is that's the main problem and look forward. Wendy Turner-Webster: Absolutely, well thankfully they know that they've got Parentline Plus to turn to and would you say, to be open. You can put them in touch with other organizations, other people and the whole thing then suddenly the problem does start to go away, doesn't it? Valerie Outram: You know sharing a problem is halving as they say. Wendy Turner-Webster: Absolutely. Yes! Valerie Outram: And we've got the website as well which is a very, very good interactive website. You can email us if you don't want to use a telephone, you can email and we've got lots of sort handy tips and hints if parents want to access that sort of information in another touch of button. Wendy Turner-Webster: Lovely! Okay, very useful. Thank you very much, Valerie. Valerie Outram: Thank you.