The Joy Spot
Saying “NO” To Sex without Rejecting Your Partner
Welcome to the Joy Spot. I am Dr. Joy Davidson, I am a Health and Science Advisory Board Member, a Psychologist, and a Sex Certified Sex Therapist based in New York, and my website is joydavidson.com.
Do any of this sound familiar, “Honey, I have a headache. Honey, I have a backache. Honey, I am here messing, not tonight?” Well, if they do sound familiar, I hope it is because there is not a standup routine or a sitcom on television that has not beaten these things to death but if the only ache your Honey is not having is for you then you might feel kind of like the world is coming to an end. In fact, when one partner snuggles up with the clinch of mischief in their eye and the other just gives them a little grow of go away.
Not tonight, starts to sound a whole lot too much like not with you. It can be pretty serious actually. We know, and not tonight, represent a genuine lack of attraction or a serious downturn in desire. In that case, my advice is to consult a Sex Therapist pronto. However, lots of times know our situational and short lived, yet they can still feel like a painful rejection.
How someone says no can change whether the accounter is a harsh one or a heart-warming one. If you are the one that hears no way to often, I suggest you email this URL to your partner because I am going to be speaking directly to the nacers in this video.
If you are one who whines up, saying no a lot more than you would prefer, here are four ways to say not tonight, not now, or even not that way and still make your partner feel like you are ever desirable number one. Point number one, we schedule a range check when you say not tonight. When you are exhausted or you have to be amplified, or you are on deadline or you really the enmeshing, make sure your partner knows the full reason you are saying no, and let them no that you do desire them. As a formal as it may it sound, schedule a range check and say something like, “I love you and there is nothing in the world I would rather do, if I was up to it. But when I am in better shape, in a couple of days, I promise, so please bear with me”.
Then, asked if you can schedule a specific time, the sooner the better to get together just the way you both want too. By being clear, even overly clear about why you are not up to accepting their invitation and arranging a specific alternative, you are reassuring them that no is not synonymous with no way.
Point number two, if you are up for something different and your partner initiates, instead of just bowing out, say, “how about this instead”. Sex does not always have to mean intercourse, or require orgasm, or even foreplay. The quickie, just like long luxurious love making does have its advantages. If you think, that in order to avoid the kind of sex that you do not want to have, you have to say no to all flam of sex then you could be missing out on the delights that are just right for the moment. Do not take a fist or feminine approach when you can have a snack mentality to sexuality.
Speaking up about the type of sex you do want is challenging but it is also far more interesting than just avoiding what you do not want to do. When a partner hears the message that you want something a little different than what they had in mind, they also get the message that details be downed, you want them. When you give yourself permission to imagine all possibilities and your lovey for what you really want, you will usually find that no is not the best alternative after all, or even the most truthful response.
Point number three say yes to intimacy even when you say no to sex, for men especially, it is difficult to ask for intimacy without asking for sex, even when intimacy is what they need more. They act like sex and intimacy are a package deal, yet if men were as honest with their partners, as my clients often are with me, from time to time they tell them that what they really need is warmth affection, hugging, kissing and spooning. If sex is a no go, instead of saying no, offer intimacy say, “I wish I were feeling up to having sex right now, but I would sure loves an affection, and you look like you could use some too”.
Suggesting intimacy can be a true gift even better than sex. Well, maybe not better but pretty damn good. To you sexual initiators out there, try not to shrug off intimacy and affection, no one is really about all sex all the time. It may take a leap of faith but it is good to pay attention to the distinction between the urge for sex, and the urge for affection, and closeness. If asking directly for intimacy is a real stretch for you, your partner will find it deeply endearing.
Point number four, remain open minded and teased, teased, teased, saying no does not always hinge on whether or not to have sex, or what kind of sex to have. Often the how or where of the invitation can be a deal breaker, like if your Honey gets amorous in elevators, in the empty laundry room in your apartment building, or an isolated windswept beach and if the only flutter you feel in those places is the flutter of anxiety, and the fear that somebody else is going to catch you, then rather than cupping an attitude and treating your partner like she or he has taken leave of their senses, try playing along to the degree that you are willing to stretch your comfort zone.
Having full blown sex in unusual places might not be a yes for lots of good reasons. Like it is illegal in most locales for example but there is no harm in letting some risky kissing and caressing, get passed your internal sensors. And there is no harm in teasing like crazy about what you might be doing a little bit later, when the two of you are alone.
Most importantly like playing along as far as you can without having a panic attack, you will show your partner that you are accepting even if you have boundaries. Above all do not give the impression that you are offended or scornful of their concept of fun. When people feel shamed, they tend to shutdown emotionally and sexually. At best, they are reluctant to share their next playful idea. Remember that a little something, something, is better than a sour look on your face and acceptance reinforces the loving nature of your relationship which is what matters most in the final analysis.
Thanks for watching this episode of the Joy Spot. I invite you to have a look at the other Joy Spot videos and for more information about sex, love, and health, or just submit questions, visit me at joydavidson.com.
(Music Playing)
Transcription by:
Scribe4you Transcription Services