Sex Problems After Child Birth

Wendy Turner-Webster: It's a wonder any couple manages to stay together after the birth of a child, with a screaming baby, exhaustion, smelly nappies, cracked nipples, midnight feeds, most couples suffer in the sex department. Well, I'm joined by Christine Northam from Relate, Britain's largest relationship guidance agency and Mara Lee, Editor of Practical Parenting. Hello! Both of you. Mara Lee: Hello! Christine Northam: Hello! Wendy Turner-Webster: Well, Mara, as Editor of that magazine, you must be getting loads of letters about this, sex after the baby? Mara Lee: We do, and it's the big thing everyone fears when they are pregnant and going in to give birth and it's that whole, will it be the same again? And of course, the 'it' refers to the act and the body because there is a massive fear that things are going to change in every single way. Wendy Turner-Webster: Do you think Mara, so is it the fear factor? Mara Lee: I think it is. It's the unknown and there is this -- if you are giving birth for the first time, and it's not via cesarean, there is this absolutely overriding or a little niggle in the back of your head always saying, am I going to be alright? Is this going to affect things? Wendy Turner-Webster: It's quite difficult to get your head around. Mara Lee: Well it is. It's difficult to get your head around and it's difficult to also for the guy to get his head around as well, particularly as we aspect them to be, right buy our sides giving birth, sometimes down at the business end of things and there is this, truthfully, a fear that it's going to change things. So, that's a really difficult hurdle to overcome because given it's the act, that's got a fear in the first place, pregnant, about to give birth. All of a sudden, it becomes something to worry about and to actually have a fear about. Wendy Turner-Webster: Okay, Christine, What from Relate, what is your perspective on this whole issue? Christine Northam: Well, I can understand exactly what Mara is saying. I guess the first thing that couples need to do is really to check physically, that the plumbing system is actually in order because sometimes you do get little tears or nicks and stitch marks that are causing problems and it might be that you try make love for the first time and it's actually physically uncomfortable. So you do need to make sure that you settle down, and then I guess you need to sort of really work hard -- not work hard, but be conscious of the fact that you were lovers before you became parents and make sure that you do the couple things to restore that part of your relationship. Wendy Turner-Webster: Because all that can completely go out the window, can't it? Christine Northam: It can. You can get kind of overwhelmed with this sort of new responsible role as a parent and it's a big, big change. And so, I think, when couples come to me and they have been struggling with this sort of thing, then I say, well, do make sometime for you as a couple, just stop talking about the baby. See if you get some help, so that you can have some time out, because you do need to look after your relationship, it's really important and it's actually the best thing you can give your baby, a secure base. So you need to be secure and then you are doing the very best for your baby and I think lots of couples struggle with that, because they think they ought to be spending 24 hours a day nurturing this little helpless thing. Well, actually the little helpless thing is probably much tougher than you are in many respects. But you do need to keep your own relationship firmly in mind. Wendy Turner-Webster: Do you find that people -- actually their relationships have got -- or do get to breaking point over this issue? Christine Northam: Yes, because the tension and the stress is so great that all you do is project your anger and frustration on to each other and you blame each other for what's going wrong. Well actually, very often, it's your own insecurities and lack of confidence that causes you to feel angry. So the best thing to do is to talk together about how you are feeling. But if you are so overwhelmed with rushing around, looking after the baby, you don't necessarily create a space where you sit down and kind of forget the baby and just talk about what you are feeling as a couple. Wendy Turner-Webster: What's the most common question that you get asked, people writing into the magazine, Mara? What's the most -- Mara Lee: About relationships or sex? Wendy Turner-Webster: Yes. Mara Lee: The key one is, when can we go again? If they are pregnant or just about to give birth, it's when -- Wendy Turner-Webster: But is that sort of how long is the piece of string that everyone strictly should? Mara Lee: Exactly. And the question is what is normal. Because you do get a lot of -- we get lot of letters coming in saying, no, I still don't fancy sex, six months, four months after the birth. You know, the husband is looking at me a bit oddly, and I just don't want to touch him, he is the last thing on my mind at the moment, am I normal? Wendy Turner-Webster: Actually it must be pretty rotting for the husband. I mean, you can start taking it quite -- you can see that he would start taking that quite personally. Mara Lee: It's true. I mean, I can remember very clearly with my own first child. You go to bed at night and you are thinking please, please be asleep lovee, because I just don't want to waste time, I am assured of, because sleep becomes so important that the last thing you want to do is waste precious, you know, I don't know two minutes, five minutes, whatever, let's not get ourselves -- having sex, when you are tired, you know, the baby is going to be up in three hours for another feed and I think that really sets that, that's I think, probably when the baby really starts to sort of look like a divide between the two. But I think, you just have to be clever, you have to sort of realize that hey babies sleep a lot during the day. You know you are home together on the weekends, you know, bring back the afternoon delight, rather than the night time. Christine Northam: That's a lovely name. Mara Lee: That's what I used to call it, afternoon delights. Wendy Turner-Webster: I remember that one. I know, I mean, I said, I think I have mentioned it on the show before, I certainly remember getting to the point with both of my children, when I was literally crying through exhaustion. Mara Lee: Yes, absolutely. I think that's the thing, and I think that becomes -- if you are the primary care at home, and a lot of the times, for very young babies, it is the woman. You feel like there is this ridge between your worlds too, and I know that, I used to think, I was in this pod, mummy pod, and my hubby was off working and still having business lunch, and still, you know, might be home a bit late because I am doing footy training or whatever and had freedom. So, all of a sudden, that also, you focus on the baby is causing it or he is being this or whatever it is, but the reality is you are worlds apart, and you are in mummy world and he is still in the world he was in beforehand. And depending on your relationship, and what kind of setup you are in, you can start to become resentful, you can start to be jealous, you can snatch and bully them a bit, your turn to change the nappy, and so he is sort of thinking, Jeez! What has this baby done to us? It's very complex. Wendy Turner-Webster: So, Christine, in Relate, do you see that this build up of resentment, the one of, presumably the husband has freedom and the mother doesn't? Christine Northam: No, it's very much though what being a mother means to the mother herself and what being a father means to the father. And if you think the mother's job has actually changed dramatically. She is no longer the sort of smart high-heel career girl, going out of the front door in the morning, she is at home doing a completely different job, and her role has changed dramatically. So she actually has to kind of view herself as being slightly different. And I think men struggle with this. Because they think, oh! She has turned into this sort of maternal thing; she has got boobs that feed this baby. Wendy Turner-Webster: She has turned into my mother. Christine Northam: Yes, that's it. So, any sort of unresolved issues from your childhood about what mothers mean to you, especially if you are being -- I mean, no one has perfect parenting, but if you have had a kind of difficult relationship with your own mother. Suddenly, the woman who was your lover becomes a mother, how you are going to cope with that? But I guess what I would like to say is that Relate has got a brilliant part of the organization which deals with sex problems. We call it PST which stands for Psychosexual Therapy, and if a couple did struggle with reestablishing their sexual relationships, say six or nine months down the line, then the best thing to do is get in to get in touch with your local Relate center and go and talk to somebody who is completely objective. Because I think, when you are a new mom, you get everybody giving you advice, don't you? Wendy Turner-Webster: A best friend, and she would say, well, it's a normal. Christine Northam: Exactly, so a bit of objective advice can really, really pay dividends. Wendy Turner-Webster: Can somebody come to see Relate on their own? Does there has to be a couple? Christine Northam: Oh! Yeah, you can go on your own. You could talk about how you feel sexually in terms of being a mom. You know how you sort to get back your identity as a sexual being rather than the maternal being. Mara Lee: Do you know what another great tip is, I mean, I remember, I got to point a again, with my first child that I thought, Gosh! I cannot remember what my husband's arms feel like, I remember what my baby's arms feel like. She is always on my hip and her arms are always around me and mine around her. And I think, she was about six months old and I thought, I can't remember what a cuddle is, and so I remember he came home from work, I put it down, and I cuddled him, it was so weird and so nice, and so I said to myself, must cuddle hubby once a day and have that absolute contact. Wendy Turner-Webster: How did you took that decision to do it? Mara Lee: I did and I felt weird for the first couple of weeks, but that starts that process of closeness -- Christine Northam: And that's a really good point. Mara Lee: Because you don't realize that you are missing it because you have always got this little warm bundle, you are always carrying them around, so you are not lacking physical contact, but actually between the two of you, you are. And if you can start that process, it becomes natural and then it hopefully it leads on to other things. But it's just the reestablishing, I think, that physical bond that you once had and it does for a while become replaced by the baby. Wendy Turner-Webster: As a person, it's just my personal opinion, but I do think it's a mistake when mothers won't let go for a nanosecond, they won't let anyone else look after the child, they won't give the baby up for a second an therefore you never get your time back, even for a little while, do you? Mara Lee: I think that's a trap. I think, we, moms fall into that. I have to put my hand up here and say, yup. Wendy Turner-Webster: You too did that. Mara Lee: When I was on maternity leave, it was, because I was so desperate for her to sleep, because I was so tired and all of those things. If she needed feeding and then putting to bed, I think, no, no, no, I'll do it because you don't do it everyday, you'll do it wrong. And I'll do it because I need her to sleep, I want her to sleep and I need the break which is madness, and of course, about the time number two comes around or by the time you have done that for a few months. You realize the folly of your ways say, yeah. But I think, if you could do that from the beginning and not sort of hold that, you know it has to be me. You know, I am the only one that knows best, I think that's also a way to avoid that division, that can -- Christine Northam: That's very much about confidence in your real role and I think that's why we all hang on to it and become very controlling, because we actually don't really believe that we are doing a good enough job. Mara Lee: Yeah, true. Christine Northam: So, what you need is feedback from other people who are positive and so, and especially from your partner, "I think, you are a cracking mom, you know you are doing a really good job" and it's that easy to forget to say that to each other, isn't it? And actually the same for women too as a new mom, you need to say to your husband, I think you are brilliant. Mara Lee: Baby hasn't slept in two weeks but you are brilliant. Christine Northam: You are brilliant. I think you are because it's alive, it's healthy, you are both healthy, but they just don't sort of feel like that, do they? But it's about the confidence. Confidence makes a huge amount to difference. Wendy Turner-Webster: Now we are rapidly running out of time, but top tip from Relate please to put the sex and the zing roll back into your sex life. Christine Northam: I would say always make it a priority during the week to make a date with each other, even if it's in the kitchen with a bottle of wine and the spaghetti and don't talk about the baby. If it's for one hour of the week you get your focus back on you as a couple and I think Mara's tip is lovely. Actually remember what it's like to have another adult embracing you, rather than this little bundle. I think that's important. Wendy Turner-Webster: Ladies, that's been brilliant, thank you so much! Mara Lee: Thanks! Christine Northam: Thank you.