Sharing the Workload with Your Partner

Mara Lee: One thing I learned after having my first baby was not to jealously guard all of the jobs that had to be done during the day, the feeding and the settling and the nappy changing. I kind of made my jobs and didn't let my partner help because I thought that you know some strange reason you might do it wrong and therefore should wake early from her nap or, and then I wouldn't be able to sleep. So, I had this crazy thing that you know I had to do everything and I kind of probably hold a bit of about a distance. Ingrid Tarrant: That is so precious -- the jewels -- the bond they can have for body, you don't want to give it to anybody and you know even your husband. Rachel Royce: It's quite a natural feeling in that way. Cheryl Baker: I don't think that it could do the job just done. Rachel Royce: Well, they can't give the milk and they can't you know breast feed them if you see that child. Mara Lee: Actually that's you have -- that's why we are sharing with the -- instantly, there is device because you have to -- Ingrid Tarrant: So, it's never going to be showing. Mara Lee: Exactly. Ingrid Tarrant: Unless you are bottle feeding, and then it gets shared. Doesn't it? Mara Lee: Yeah, I think a of woman do to the bottle feeding, I think, so just from day one it's the urine hospital with the child everytime that cries you're getting up and there is a pressure with the breast feed nowadays above and you -- Rachel Royce: But you will also lifted the baby inside your growing from nine months and you don't wanted to give it have to me that you don't want to hand over to somebody and you think very kind of like you baby -- Ingrid Tarrant: -- will open a little coat, isn't it? It is still actually attached. Cheryl Baker: I think it is attached. Actually, my mom, when she was 89 and I was still attached. I will, so that, you know, I don't think that mother and baby think of -- Rachel Royce: But you are lucky your husband did want to help, I mean, you know, I -- Do they? Mara Lee: No. I mean did you guys? Rachel Royce: No. My husband I said what the least you could do in the night is if wake some cries, say if he needs changing because obviously we can't breast feed. Yes, but the thing is that you have this bond and he loves you because you breast feed him and he sees a change in the nappy as a horrible thing, so I better not change his nappy. I mean I don't really like that. Ingrid Tarrant: For Christmas no good, I mean he really wants to -- Mara Lee: That is so you really think. Ingrid Tarrant: So, he didn't with this nappy thing, I mean I was breast feeding as well and so of course, he couldn't do that side fit, but once or twice he says you like just do nappy and that would just help, it just -- it saves me, it gives me five or ten minutes. But it's not just as like the stinky side, but it is actually in a form of bonding as well because otherwise they are not going to bond and that's the thing, if they get too far away, they don't -- they're not there from the beginning. And I'll never forget the time to change, I set him when Toby was born, the first time he change the nappy was when Toby was about four months old and that's -- I said, I could have told you, it was a girl. And you would never have known until you sold the nappy. I couldn't that -- that's how that was, and then he do the nappy. Yak! Cream all over him and he pulls those stickers down on the back because he thought that was way to do it, and then they wouldn't stay because it looked cream all over, he was useless. Rachel Royce: I think it's quite important that to make the partner get a bit involved because otherwise they'll go up and leave their own life. I know women who have done everything until their children were 18, and then discovered that their husband have been with somebody else for last 10 years because they weren't involved in the family, and things you know it didn't work out with my husband, but initially you know that was him not doing anything, but when the baby was four months old and I went back to work. He stayed at home one day we can look after the baby and our relationship went through a kind of -- period when he understood where I was coming from about the baby and he bonded with the baby and I think it is actually -- want to be keep the baby ourselves a bit because the motherly bond is important to lay your husband or partner and do stuff with the baby -- Ingrid Tarrant: But isn't funny? You are saying going back to work after four months and you are happy, you don't think about it almost going back to work, and then you think you are more concerned about leaving your child with your husband, but you are not concerned about leaving them to go to work. Rachel Royce: I can, but I was lucky because my mother looked after the baby for the other two days when I went back to work part time and, you know, there is -- we are going back to work, but it's the decision I made to have a jot, I loved it and frankly we needed the money, so actually I found a good experience going back to work three days a week, I think full time and that stage would have been -- but I did enjoy it. And I think it was nice that my husband at that stage got involved with the baby and he got very close to him. Ingrid Tarrant: Is that bonding because they do can't come like pushed out for long time and if they miss that opportunity, it takes that much longer. The father seemed to be much closer to their kids that they when they do to use to be. I mean actually a very distant -- Yeah, exactly. They looked out the family, they sort of took over to the home, but then -- Cheryl Baker: But for me because I have twins, Steve had to help. He had to help because I couldn't -- I mean you do count on you, but because he was there because he is a musician, he doesn't work often. So, he was there and so when there were two nappies to change, I did one and he did the other, which was great. One quick story about their Godmother, so she is lovely and she wanted to be a real active Godmother, you know not she just didn't want to be a good parent -- or she wanted to really be active above their lives. And she has got who is really long nails that she cherishes and there they are not you know stick on -- changing the nappy, right often to the nappy -- nappy and I said, but soon on that -- if it is a child of my own -- nappy and it was a -- Marvelous and she got the Sudocrem and she put it on and that was fine, and then she cleaned her hand, but -- to her underneath her hand. Ingrid Tarrant: That was all crem -- Cheryl Baker: She cleaned her hands and -- well that was there. She had some chocolate later on and she -- and melted under her nose and she got it out. She didn't -- Ingrid Tarrant: She moves it top of this gets by the way. Cheryl Baker: Well that was lovely, that was really so -- but I had a Nanny, I had day Nanny when I went back to work. So, I thought Steve wants to applaud and he wants to go out and play golf, and then he doesn't want to be tied down to the children, even though it did help. I knew he didn't want to take full responsibility. The terrible thing for me was when the baby were toddlers and I could climb out of their -- one night -- their call, and she called for the Nanny. And it broke my heart, so she must have been about 18 months. Oh that's the -- Cheryl Baker: And that broke my heart, I thought I was losing that confidence -- Ingrid Tarrant: Do you know, but doesn't had say and hopefully I have digressing very slight, this children at that stage is that when they all going to be adopted or they taking away -- and that moment of time is not that important to them is much more important for mother. Mara Lee: It's really is looking after them and taking care of them that's the -- Ingrid Tarrant: So, it's not the nature, it's the nuture, but for the person who gave birth that's the terrible thing. Cheryl Baker: Wounded me -- Rachel Royce: Now my boys still for me show sometimes -- girl who looks after them -- Oh! Oops! Sorry, mommy, like that. Ingrid Tarrant: -- I have because I call my children with sometimes a dogs name, you know -- get kind of confused. It's not to be taken personally, you know. Cheryl Baker: It's the tail you see. Rachel Royce: But to come back to men joining in, I think among those one marry that is quite -- taught about until my husband's, he actually go postnatal depression. And I diagnose that because his wife ask him to help too much or whether, I don't know what caused it, but you know men can actually get involved in that kind of way as well as. Mara Lee: It has been it's that the full time care and I work full time and there is some days -- he is like me like what I was scared you know -- he has headed up to here and there is my patient slept in those and you know just leave and get it out -- was half, and then come back and again, now like you I see them struggling to see -- most you know one -- over, I can see them shall I call mummy or Dady -- Ingrid Tarrant: It's quite an emotional, so as far as everybody in one sets gets -- Mara Lee: Replace. Ingrid Tarrant: Yes, replace. The father there is well because he is in second place -- wins. We can win.