Should I Tell My Parents I'm Gay?

[Music Playing] Jennifer: Hi! We are back again with our good friend Paul Carlson he is a live coach here in Dallas, Texas and over the next few videos, we are actually going to try to answer some of your toughest questions in a way that is nonjudgmental and kind of our normal, how do I want to say it, in a way that only we can do it. Dan: Yes, that works. [Music Playing] Jennifer: This is a question I know a lot of young men have. It is a touchy topic and of course, that is why we are going to cover it. Dan: Somebody had got to do it and most people do not want to. Jennifer: Somebody has got to do it. Dear Dan and Jennifer, my family and I have always been moderately close but I am worried and confused of how they might think of me. The problem is I am gay and they have no idea. My mother and grandmother seem restless every time the conversation comes up why I am not dating any of the pretty girls around town and I am just going to say this before I even finish reading the question. They know you are gay, that is why they are nervous. My mother has even flat out asked me if I was gay. Dan: --were you not? Jennifer: No way it is just— Dan: They know of course they know. Jennifer: It is obvious but anyway. Dan: Yes. Jennifer: I turn 20 soon and I no longer live with her. I also know that my sex life really is not her business but I still really do not know what to do. Please help me with one of your more than insightful answers. You are so sweet, thank you. So, here is the question, he is gay should he tell his parent if he does? How does he go about it, it is not just him, there is a million people out there with the same questions. Dan: It is not any of their business. Jennifer: Yes. Paul Carlson: Okay, I think you have to use all the common sense on this one. People come from all different kinds of environments, all different kinds of families. There are families that come from very strict religious backgrounds. People come from very strict cultural backgrounds, people that are in very macho cultures in the United States like the Hispanic culture, the black culture. The Jewish culture, the Christian fundamentalist, the -- culture. Jennifer: I know. Dan: Are you trying to get everybody Paul? Paul Carlson: Okay, the point here is that someone coming out to their parents even in that context could be disastrous in the short term, okay. Some of these parents are again in their egos and they cannot help their programming but it is so threatening to their own sense of parenthood and for the fathers, the masculinity. The mothers, their mothering ability because we have probably heard the stories you know it is an overbearing mother. It goes way beyond that and it is not something that the person who is gay can help. It is just is, your gay or you not gay. There is also a thing called by sexuality and there is a certain percentage of the population that is bisexual. This happens by the way in all mammals, this is not just a human thing and the percentages are about the same in all the different forms of mammals. So, it is just a genetic thing, they have even proven it with genes now. But a lot of people are not ready to listen to that because they have their own story that they want to push, that they want to promote because it feeds their sense of being right over somebody else being wrong. So, if you have got someone, they are from a family that is let us say ultra religious or just culturally, it is a taboo by telling them when you are young may put yourself into a situation where you are just cast off and you may not have the support system necessary, the friends and the job and all the rest to that to be able to survive. A lot of young gay people I think more the men than the women but this is not exclusive, they end up being street people, they end up committing suicide, they have a very high suicide rate. Jennifer: Ouch. Paul Carlson: Yes and so this is a very serious issue. Dan: This is really sad for the parents who— Jennifer: I am so glad we asked Paul this question because I would have been like w