Jennifer: Hi! This question is from Jennifer
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. He tells me that he loves me very much and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I feel the same way but, he does not want to have children. And I cannot give up the idea of never having a child. And I do not think he will ever change his mind.
We were going to move in together but since he made it very clear that he does not want children, I decided to move to another state.
Dan: That is a bit of an over reaction? But hey, whatever works for her.
Jennifer: He wants us to continue communicating after I moved. I do not think this will be a good idea. My friend tells me that emptiness and loneliness might change his mind. I really do not know what to think. What shall I do? Shall I continue communicating with him or see him? Please help.
Dan: I am sorry, wait a minute. So her friend says that this guy is suddenly going to be lonely and the emptiness is going to change his mind about whether he wants kids or not, I think that is a very dangerous assumption to be in working with. You know people may or may not change their minds on things, but trying to force it and trying to force him through a situation or another is not—it does not seems like a good idea. He may or may not change but it does not sound like a good idea.
Jennifer: Her point is that he may realize that he loves her more than that.
Dan: I do not think that there is dispute that he love her and that they are happy together. The question is whether he wants kids.
Jennifer: Correct.
Dan: Okay!
Jennifer: The fact that they love each other is not a question.
Dan: Yes!
Jennifer: Okay, so two sense here, just listen to your heart and do what you know is right. Do not let your brain get in the way. Cause in a situation like this, sometimes your brain can get in the way. You got to go with what you know and believe to be true. In your heart, in your gut, whatever you want to call it and recognize that the only thing that you can control is you, okay. You have absolutely no control over him, no control over his decisions; you cannot make him want something he does not want, okay.
He may change his mind on his own but he may not. You just have to recognize that you cannot make him do that.
Dan: Yes and this is an interesting whether you just want to keep in touch with him or not. On one hand, this is someone that has been part of your life for a long time you are close. You are probably best friends. Why would you not stay in touch in your communication?
You know, he was an important part of your life for a long time. The other flip side of that though, a lot of people will break up and then slowly try to rekindle that kind of relationship although it is not really working. And thus, keep themselves from finding a new relationship that will work for them.
So just be cognizant of this. You move to another state so you could find someone else and start fresh. So all of a sudden, you are sort of reaching back to sort of kind of be with someone that is not in your state.
Jennifer: Yes, long distance relationships are hard.
Dan: Very, very hard, so if you got to be him, go back and be with him. If you do not, move on but it is okay to stay friends.
Jennifer: Yes, I think that was our whole point. Do not cut of all communication but do not hang on to something that may not be working.
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