Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage?

Jennifer: Okay, this is a big question that we get all the time literally from men and from women and amazingly enough from more women than we do men, but it is a big question. Should you stay in the sex with marriage for the sake of the children? Okay, there are two questions here, should you stay married for the sake of the kids? But, that's not what this one is about. This one is about should you have an affair to fulfill the void where you are not having sex with each other, so that you can stay together for you children? Melody Brooke: Well, my first response is to say that you should never stay together just for the children. Jennifer: Thank you. Melody Brooke: Because -- Dan: Wow, somebody else says that too. We are not doing what -- Melody Brooke: There is a reason for that, because an emotional divorce has the same effect on the children as an actual divorce. Dan: Oh, so finally growing up and they are unhappy children, then they would contain each other and you grow up as a kid thinking boy, marriage means I am with a person that I really can't stand. Melody Brooke: And part of our job as parent is to teach our children, model for our children what intimacy is. If we are modeling to them emotionally devoid relationship then, we are teaching them - they won't know how to have a good relationship. Jennifer: Yeah. They are not going to know how to show affection, they are not going to know how to intimate. Melody Brooke: They have no idea, and I have that come into my practice all the time with couples who have no clue of what an emotional relationship is. So that's the first part of that answer. Dan: Okay. Melody Brooke: The second part of that answer is, you've got to look at whether or not you are still in love with your partner. If you are still in love with them and not having sex, well you need to figure out what's going on. It kind of goes back to that other question about why am I in a sexless marriage? You've got to figure out if it's because someone has a physical issue, is it a sexual abuse issue, is it an emotional distance issue, what is it that's going on? Jennifer: Okay, now I want to talk a little bit about being in love, because that's such -- so many people are like, I have fallen out of love with my husband. I don't love him anymore. How then you identify if they're still in love with someone? I know that's kind of a tangent, but I think it's important for this conversation. Melody Brooke: Well, again that's a complicated question, because love is all in your head, and you can -- if it's a person that you still respect, and you still see value in, it's something that you still like, then all you have to do is really start building on that. Jennifer: So if you have got something to build on, something to hold on to. Melody Brooke: Yeah. If you have lost all respect for that person, if you don't like them anymore, it's very difficult to find that love again. But, if you like him and you love them. Dan: Enjoy being around them. Melody Brooke: Yeah, just enjoy being around them and you have respect for who they are. Jennifer: And the only issues there is not having sex, okay? Melody Brooke: Or you are not feeling that passion. That can be rekindled because that goes in your head. You just have to start changing the way you think about them. Jennifer: So having an affair. Melody Brooke: Having an affair is ridiculous. Jennifer: So with or without permission? I mean, do you just think it's a bad idea. Melody Brooke: It's a bad idea because what's the point, your marriage will be divorced. Dan: An affair implies without permission is a breaking of trust which is fundamentally a bad thing in a relationship. Jennifer: Yeah, and we're pretty open. Anybody who watches our video knows that we are really open to whatever you want to try as a couple or whatever. But, I mean even that's where we draw the line is when you are going out separately and you are dating other people, you are just opening the door for that person to fill the intimate connection that you feel you are missing with your husband. Melody Brooke: Yes. Dan: And there it comes in your relationship. Jennifer: Yeah, then they are going to divorce anyway. Melody Brooke: That's right.