Hi, my name is Miss Lora and I am a bit of romance expert. I have hundreds of man answer my ads on the internet, must be the red hair. Well, after all my experience I have come to one conclusions, you man are clueless, really. I mean, bless your hearts because I love you all. I mean, I really love men but you are blowing it right from the beginning. So, I feel that it is my civic duty to educate you and to increase your chances of finding a good woman. So, to that end I have written, The Southern Guide to Internet Dating. Let us get started shall we.
Rule number one. Compliments, did your daddy’s teach you nothing? I mean, everybody knows that the fastest way to a woman’s heart, well, except for cash of course is to tell how pretty she is. I can not tell you how many man that I have met for coffee or drinks or dinner, I am all doll dug up and he did not say a thing. I mean, look it is no skin off your bag gentleman to say “You look nice” or “You are prettier than your picture” and if you do not do it, it is over. You wonder why there is no spark, no chemistry that is because done before you ever sat down at the table. So, give a woman a compliment. I mean, okay, I will make a confession. I have dated a couple of ugly man in my life, you know why, because they were charming, yes. Okay, here is a secret I am going to tell you that you are going to remember until you die. The more you tell us girls how pretty we are, the better looking you get, really. Oh and you husbands, you definitely have to remember this, it will save your marriage, really.
Okay, back to The Southern Guide to Internet Dating and what not to do. Do not compliment any part of a woman’s body that begins with the letter B. These parts of the body are persona long gratitude to mention it, the first meeting. And telling a woman, those reckon, will not win you brownie points. Oh you can look alright, but just like food that has been drop on the floor, there is a two second rule. You know what I am talking about, any food that has been on the floor for two seconds or less, you can still pick it up and eat it. Do not look at me like that, we all do it. Okay so, you can look at a woman’s chest for two second max but after that, you are busted, figuratively and literally. So, here how it goes, two seconds here and then back to eyes, two seconds here, then back to the nose, two seconds here, then back to the lips.
Although personally, I recommend that you stay on the face for 30 seconds or more, because otherwise you are starting that eye thing going and you look like you know, you got a spasm or something that girl’s do not like that. You know, what us woman really want, we want male little look lovingly into our eyes, like we are the most beautiful woman on the planet, and yes, we know. Probably the only thing that you are thinking is “gosh I wonder how good she is in the sex?” But that is okay, because as long as you get that soulful eye thing going, we do not care what is sin your head, really.
Okay, back to The Southern Guide of Internet Dating. What you should do? Compliment her shoes. Yes, because if you compliment our outfit you are getting in to that, I am all fat, danger zone. You do not want to go there, trust me, but shoes are safe. Now, if she is wearing sandals, as in she got something that really pretty painted toe nails, you better mention them. Girls spent a lot of time and money down there, ever since that stupid Eddie Murphy movie, were all he could do is complain, “I do not like woman with scaly feet in my silk sheets” like we do not have enough to do with the waxing and shaving, and the plucking, now we are going to worry about our toes are torn off. Speaking of turnoffs you maybe thinking that just because woman wore comfortable shoes to a date that you do not have to mention them. You might want to think again, because although a popular belief is that only lesbian wear comfortable shoes, bisexual woman wear them too. Mention a few nice words about their shoes, she might have a friend, you might get doubly lucky, really.
Okay, well that is end of chapter one of The Southern Guide of internet Dating. Next week we are going to talk about what to say on the phone call. Here is a hint, cousin, you do not want to go there, trust me. Okay well, if any of you people need individually advice about your personal situation, you can email me at datingmisslaura@aol.com. Happy dating to you all.
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