Hi, my name is Miss Lora and I am someone of a romance expert. I have had hundreds of men answer my ads on the internet and I have read thousands of them, and oh my gosh, most of you are clueless. But, that is okay because I have written The Southern Guy of Internet Dating and this week we are talking about, how to write a great personal add.
Okay, the first thing you all need is a dictionary, really. And a book on grammar would not hurt. Look, this is your first chance to make a great impression and your words tell all about you. But, what most of your ads are saying is, “Hello, I am illiterate and I am too lazy to start the first word of every sentence with a capital” and oh you guys who write everything in all caps, honey, if nobody has told you yet in the computer world it made you yelling at the woman, girls do not like that. Oh, I know it is a big effort to use the shift key but if you do not, it is no date for you. And, that goes double for spell check. So, just write in words and copy and paste it over and remember ladies love good grammar. There is nothing to get a woman more excited than a man who knows the difference between your and you are. Okay, well maybe of shoe sell at North Storm. But, trust me; you do not want Miss Lora to go there.
Okay, the next important thing is expectations. No one wants on your date. So, for you guys who want a woman who hugs and kiss and have sex all day and you better have a good job, make lots of money. I like to tell you but there is only one profession that will allow her to do both, and trust me you do not want to go there. Oh you girls who want someone who is handsome and rich and young and has wash board abs and he is a great conversationalist and sensitive all in one package. Well, it is good to have fantasies but, maybe in a meantime you could give real man a chance, really. Oh! And you guys that are looking for a God fearing woman, honey, you are looking at the wrong place. She is not on an internet looking to get lucky. You need to get a prayer and go to church for that. And, Miss Lora got her own question. I can not tell you how many ads that I have read words that say “I do not want a game player”. What does that mean, a game player? Checkers, cribbage, scrabble? Personally, Miss Lora likes scrabble, it helps you with your spelling skills, it is not so bad.
Okay, back to the Southern Guide for internet Dating and more on your add. Say, on most seasons on internet dating sides the world seems to be that everybody lays. And, they do because everybody is trying to make themselves look better than they really are. But, actually, honesty is best policy. Because you are just going to get busted the first time you show up for a coffee date. So, if you are thinking about putting a picture up there that 60 pounds lighter and 20 years younger, all the persons going to think when they meet you is “you laid”. And, if you say that you are single but you are actually still leaving in the same house with your sort of ex, yap, you lied. And if you, well, you get the picture. Oh, I know there is a whole bunch you are saying “but, Miss Lora if they are just get the real me” well, they did, and now they do not believe a word that comes out of your mouth.
Okay, just between you and me, there is an exemption to the honesty policy. Now, it is important to have current picture on your add but, ladies you do not have to tell your real age, because Miss Lora is going to be 29 until she is dead and you can too. Honesty does have its limits. Oh well, so go ahead and fits up but there is something unusual about you and your life because the truth is, there is somebody for everybody. They just have to know what kind of body you are.
Okay, let us talk about the no-no’s. Do not put one of those pictures of you and your ex which she has been snip out but you can still see her arms and her hands sneaking over your shoulders. Every time we woman see one of those pictures all we can think is she got cut out, we are going to be next. Do not put in your add that you like to do climbing and hiking and adventure kitting in Mexico, unless you ask yourself the question, “’when was the last time I actually did any of those things?” And last but not the least; do not run in your ad, I have no baggage. But, of course you do or you would not be in the internet. You would be perfect and be happily married.
Okay, listen up because Miss Lora has got one of her special secrets that you got to remember till the day you die. Do write in your ad that you are going to take us dancing and then do it. Because no matter how much you dork you look like, we will always love and adore you just for trying. Okay, that is it for this chapter of The Southern Guide to Internet Dating. Next week, we are going to talk about getting together for the first time. And ladies it is a date, not a chance for you to get a strange man to pay for your shopping spree, really. Okay, you can visit me at thesouthernguidetointernetdating.com. Happy dating to you all.
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