Talking to Kids About Sex

Jennifer: Today on Ask Dan and Jennifer, when should you talk to your kids about sex? Is it a certain age, a certain grade? How should you talk to them? That’s what we’re talking about today. Dan: You think you can ignore your kid’s questions about sex until they get older and easier to do? Think again. We have for you some questions, some comments and questions that we got from our surprisingly younger viewers. This may be a little enlightening. Here is one. I watch your videos and find some of them very helpful and informative but I was wondering if you could make a video for children about sex, on sex, puberty and such and that sort of thing, age 11. I just want to let you know that your videos are great and that I actually learned about sex from your videos. I’m glad he learnt it from us because we told him how to do it safely. But anyway, my parents don’t talk to me about sex. Thank you for talking about this stuff for me and every one else, age 15. Jennifer: There's a couple of more. Thanks for all your videos. I’m not sexually active and I never have been however your information very interesting and I feel like I have learned a lot from your show that I’ll surely use later in life, age 15. One more, and this one kind of floored me. And we’ve actually gotten more than one of the same question, do I have to be at a certain age to buy condoms at the store, age 10. Dan: I’m so not going to get my soapbox about that because that is crazy but anyway— Jennifer: And the youngest question we’ve ever got was from an eight year old. I have an eight—we have an eight and ten year old, so the fact that eight and ten year olds are out there asking us these kinds of questions, I mean, we didn’t share— Dan: Then saying their parents wouldn’t talk to them. Jennifer: And it’s terrifying to me, absolutely terrifying. Dan: So why should you talk to your kids about sex? We think that the right time is when they ask you. The day they are old enough to formulate the question because if your kid say and come, “Hey mom, you know, dad, I have this question about sex.” And you say, what do so many parents say. So many of us that are supposedly grown-ups would say, “Whoa!” Jennifer: We’ll talk about this when your older, that’s the answer. Dan: Yeah! Later, older because— Jennifer: And that’s not an answer. Dan: Why? Because it makes us uncomfortable but we’re grown-ups. We’re supposed to suck it up and deal with it. Yes, it makes us uncomfortable, that’s life, deal with it. Jennifer: You know, when your five year old daughter comes up to you and says, what's the difference between boys and girls? You know, you need to tell them in an age appropriate way or when they say, “Mommy, what is sex?” You need to tell them in an age appropriate way, okay. You can talk about that’s how babies are made. You can talk about that, tell mommy and daddy, show love for each other. But don’t just say, “When you're older.” Dan: Upon extensive research, I found out that I was not brought by the stork. No, and I’ve done a lot of research on this. Jennifer: And I did not get delivered by the hospital. Dan: Exactly. No, the hospital, no— Jennifer: Technically, I did but not as a package. Dan: Not the way as portrayed to children. Stop making up fairy tales because you know what, when your child ask you this question, you have a magical opportunity to guide your child yourself. You are the resource that this child respects and you have the magical opportunity to guide this child in a good, safe, and formed way. We try do but as a parent, you have the opportunity because you know what, if you say, “No, later.” Guess what, tomorrow at school, he’s going to be asking the other eight year olds or she is going to be asking the other eight and ten year olds. And you know how much they know about safe sex. Jennifer: And no offense, we do not want to be your children’s primary source of sex education. We believe that that is up to parents. As parents, we should guide and direct our children otherwise we wake up one day and go, “Oh my god! What happen to Susie?” Dan: And you know, I can just see it. Some moms said in there, “Oh my god! My kid dates through the internet. That show shouldn’t be out there.” Jennifer: No. Dan: No, no. Pick up a mirror and stare at it for a long, long time. Jennifer: And say, why is my child resorting to the internet to ask questions, they should be asking me. Dan: Because you know what I’m going to tell you, the internet is an insanely amazing blessing to our generation because you know what, 20 and 30 years ago, the same kids, you, again, pick up the mirror, because the – lays in this mirror, those same kids were asking the questions of they're neighboring eight and ten year olds. Jennifer: Or worse yet, trial by fire. Dan: Exactly. Jennifer: Oh! Let’s try this and see what happens. Dan: You know, STD’s, kids getting pregnant, that is a sign of ignorance of the kids not going to parents or not feeling that they can go to the parents or the parents not standing and actually meeting their responsibility of teaching their kid. Jennifer: Here is another point, if your parents and you're not showing any affection around your kids, you don’t—you know, your kids don’t even know that you have sex. Okay, they have no idea where they come from because you guys don’t love each other and you don’t show any affection. Dan: Because the stork, right, the stork. Jennifer: You're the example for them for what a loving, healthy relationship should look like. Dan: Completely and utterly sexless marriage if they're going to have one when they grow up. Jennifer: Yeah! If you don’t show affection and if they don’t know that you have sex, I’m not saying have sex in front of them, please no, don’t even go there. Dan: Or go pontificate to your kids that you have sex but its okay to close the door of your bedroom and say, you know what, mommy and dad are having private adult time and you need to entertain yourself. That’s perfectly normal. Jennifer: If you don’t do these things, they're going to grow up thinking, “I’m not supposed to show affection in public. I’m not suppose to hug around my kid.” They're going to grow up with this warped idea of what a loving, happy relationship should be. Dan: The big question, you’ve heard us pontificate, yea or nay are big, big major and really only purpose for doing it is to get you thinking and talking about it because as I like to say, just because you are doing it, it doesn’t mean that they ain’t stupid. You know, human beings have monumentally stupid things over time. What do you think, what do you think about this? When should you talk to your kids about sex? Jennifer: How should you talk to your kids? Dan: What's the best way to approach it? Jennifer: And also, if you guys have any resources that you know about that are really great for you know, helping parents talk to their kids, put them in the comments, that’s what we want to do here. Dan: And on a lighter note, what's the craziest question you’ve ever gotten from your kid about sex? Those can be priceless, please share. Jennifer: Please share.