Jennifer: Okay, here's a big one in all of our mind as women and what can we do to better communicate with our husbands?
Melody Brooke: That's a big question and one of the reasons it's a big question is that a lot of times men have trouble with words for feelings.
Dan: We do.
Melody Brooke: Yeah. So, one of the best ways to communicate with your husband is to touch them.
Jennifer: Really?
Melody Brooke: Yes.
Dan: I could have said that. That's okay, not like that.
Melody Brooke: Because for one thing, because in most cultures, men are raised without very much touch. From a very early age, boys are not touched from the time they are probably three, four, five years old. They stop getting the affection that girls get.
Jennifer: Yeah.
Melody Brooke: And so what really will open men to communication is touch. So when you have something to say it to them, touch him on a hand, touch him on a shoulder, give him hug.
Dan: I like those things.
Jennifer: Then we can talk.
Melody Brooke: Yes.
Dan: I make almost a whispering noise.
Melody Brooke: It helps them feel safer and so that it opens them out to listen what you have to say.
Jennifer: Oh, wow! That's like a best communication tip I have had, communication tip.
Dan: It's really great. I am liking this one too.
Melody Brooke: So that's the first one. Secondly is to recognize that they trouble with feeling words.
Dan: And big words all together.
Melody Brooke: So don't except them to give you feeling words. If you ask them how they are feeling, they are like, ah! They don't have words for it. So, try to avoid asking them those kind of questions. Although they will express their feelings to you, you just have to -- you have to help them find the words. So if you see, okay I can see that you are feeling uncomfortable right now, can you tell me what's going on?
Jennifer: You look sad or --
Melody Brooke: You interpret for them. Give the words to them because they are not given those growing up.
Jennifer: Ah! That's a good one.
Melody Brooke: So, working on helping them to feel safe because for one thing a lot of men tend to go into that self protection mode whenever any kind of communication issue comes up and the way to get them out of that self protection mode is to help them feel safe.
Dan: Like patting one on the head.
Melody Brooke: Yeah, whatever it is. If you have something you something you need to tell him, try to talk to him about your feelings instead of buoying me because buoying me...
Jennifer: Now that's a big one.
Melody Brooke: Yeah. You may have called, how come you do this and that, they are immediately going to go to that self --
Jennifer: We have a big thing if it's a complicated thing that we are talking about, we never start a sentence with the word, you.
Melody Brooke: Absolutely.
Jennifer: You never love to communicate with the word, you, because see that it implies --
Dan: How can you talk about my feelings in terms of 'you'?
Jennifer: Yeah.
Dan: Yeah.
Melody Brooke: Yeah. And a lot of people do this thing called, well, I feel that you --
Jennifer: I feel that you --
Dan: The other day you can't feel that I did something wrong. You can't feel that I am --
Melody Brooke: They really do focus on your own feelings. I'd noticed that when you did this, I felt this way. Now I am feeling this way, I felt hurt when this happens and you are not saying they are blank for it, you are just telling him that how you feel and what the impact is.
Jennifer: Yeah. That works really well for us. That's a big one. We say something, whether we mean to or not, if we are trying to hurt the other one or not, it's like even just something as simple as, ouch, that hurt.
Dan: That really deflates the ego.
Jennifer: Because you are like, Oh, you don't really realize half of time some of the things you say are hurtful.
Melody Brooke: Right and so we have such a tendency to want to blame out of -- oh what's happening.
Jennifer: I feel this way because you've done that.
Dan: I feel this way because you have done all that.
Melody Brooke: And a lot of times, whether we note or not, our partner really doesn't intend to hurt us.
Jennifer: Yeah. I think that's very rare, actually.
Melody Brooke: Yeah.
Dan: We don't need to do bad.
Melody Brooke: I mean sometimes they do. They are really pissed off, they are really scared and they are trying to get control back by hurting you, but they don't really want to. So when this happens and you go, that's not good, and you are like oh I am sorry I didn't mean to hurt you, because you don't usually.
Jennifer: Yeah.
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