Clay: Hey there, welcome back to a very special episode of Dad Labs. We’re here on the campus of University of Texas. And I am joined today by Dr. Nancy Hazen, one of the authors of a very interesting study published in personal relationships entitled The Supermom Trap: Do involved dads erode moms’ self competence? Talk to me about the study itself, how did you gather your information?
Dr. Hazen: The data was gathered as part of a longitudinal study of couples expecting their first child. What we found was that when moms judged their husbands to be really good caregivers, that the moms were happier with their marriage. Their marriage satisfaction higher than the moms whose husbands were less involved or the moms whose husbands felt like they didn’t do a good job in care giving. But at the same time, the one that had involved dads who were good in care giving also rated themselves lower on self confidence. So they kind of feel trapped in this idea that they are supposed to be the primary caregiver or the one who’s in charge of the baby’s well-being and the dads are more or less under their instruction.
They feel that their dads, their husbands, are basically good equal partners in the care giving, but yet they feel, and they’re happy about that because they’re happy with their marriage, but yet they feel like they themselves aren’t doing their full job. Although they’re working full time, they feel like they should be full time moms at the same time.
They often know that that’s an irrational feeling but that’s often the way that the message that society gives that mom should be the care giver. They should be the ones taking care of the baby.
Clay: For me, as a dad, how do I feel not trapped here? It seems to me that the societal, the new source of societal expectation, the new freedoms seem to be sort of a 50-50.
Dr. Hazen: Not really, I mean, actually it’s not. Like in our study, the dads were still doing far less than the moms. But the ones that were doing more, the families are functioning really well. Both spouses were happy. The problem is that the moms have to get rid of this idea that they need to be doing it all and be supermoms. They need to be comfortable and society needs to be comfortable with more egalitarian sharing of infant care.
Clay: So you’re not suggesting that maybe dads should be less confident or less involved. So if I go on break the occasional dish or if I put the diaper on backwards, would that help my wife feel better about herself?
Dr. Hazen: Well, maybe. In terms of, like, that she is the more superior care giver. But on the other hand, she’d be less happy with you and the marriage. So, that’s probably not a good alternative.
Clay: And it seems to me it’s a little bit like be careful what you wish for. I mean if the idea was for us to be involved, it turned around and that hurts your feeling somehow, I feel little bit like I’m the one who’s in the trap. Well, Dr. Hazen thank you so much for joining us today, really appreciate it and thanks for helping us to understand this interesting article on the supermom trap.
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