The Psychology Of Swinging

Jennifer: I don’t even know what a bridgey question is. Dan: It’s a bridge movie. Jennifer: Oh! You should laugh. Okay this is a little— Dan: Oh! Jennifer. Jennifer: But Dan—he likes to talk about bridge movies, you know, like Step, what was that movie, The Bridges of Madison County or something. I think that’s where he got it. But I’ll tell you what, if I ever sit down and have a bridge movie on, he will end about—a third of the way through it, sitting down and crying like a baby. Dan: Jennifer. Jennifer: So, he may talk about men about— Dan: It takes a tough man to cry. Jennifer: He may talk bad about bridge movies but he loves them. Okay, back to the topic at hand, the psychology of swinging. Dan: Why would anybody want to swing? Jennifer: Anyway, okay, I have some questions. Dear Dan and Jennifer. I have some questions. My questions are dealing with the psychology of playing with others and trying to deal with letting my partner play to. I enjoy playing with other women but I have somewhat of an issue with my guy playing with other women. I know he would like to play and he does enjoy watching me play with other women but on the flip side, I’m not comfortable at all having sex with other men. My guy is okay with me wanting to as long as he gets to play with other women. I’m more willing to give into him letting—giving him—letting him get a blowjob from someone else but I’m not too keen on him having sex with someone else. Is this unfair to him? Dan: How should I put this? Yes. Jennifer: Yes. Why do you get to play and he doesn’t. That seems very one sided to me. Dan: A lot of times, you just hear this differently, typically, you know, when a couple’s first time to bring in another person to their sex life, right, you have this guy and the girl and the guy is very adamant about, “hey, lets get another girl to play with.” And the girl will say, you know, a lot of times a girls issue is, “Well, who do I play with? How come I can’t blow it to another guy?” but this is quite the flip side of that. That’s very interesting. Jennifer: Kind of, a twist off. But those are the dynamics you face when you talk about swinging or opening up your relationship. You know, you’ve got who gets to play with who and when and how and why and it can be complicated, okay. And the answer is always the same, talk about it, okay. You got to find what works for both of you but in this situation, it’s very one sided. You're having fun with who you want to and he’s not getting to do anything. Dan: I mean, you know, I understood the whole while through and the token and that one of the girls play with him a little. That’s not fair. This is feeling unfair to me. Jennifer: Yeah, it feels very unfair to me to and its not his fault that you don’t want to play with other men and its okay that you want to. Dan: You don’t have to. Jennifer: But you really do need to find some balance. And she gave something, a long explanation in the forum post about, well— Dan: The forum post. Jennifer: I like to play—this actually came from our forums. Dan: Most of these questions come to the forums. Jennifer: And it was something along the lines, girls have different parts and so when I’m playing with her, I’m actually getting to play with different parts but if he plays with another girl, well, he’s not really playing with different parts, that was just a weird— Dan: It sounds like we’re trying to rationalize something that’s still not fair. Jennifer: Yes. You know, this all comes back to jealousy and insecurity. You're insecure, you're jealous. Dan: I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, it’s a statement of fact. Jennifer: But I think if you can’t work through your jealousy and insecurity then you just need to close it up and have a one on one relationship because it’s not really fair for you to be playing with other people and him not getting to. Dan: Of course, I’m thinking he may keep watching his girl with another girl before he agrees to just close up shop. But she wants to know if it’s fair? No, it’s not fair. Jennifer: No. Dan: That’s just kind of my take. So, hold on, what do you guys think? Is it fair? Should they keep doing it? Jennifer: Yeah, what should they do? Should she try to work through her jealousy? Should they close about this all together? What should they do? Dan: Should he get to play with any girl he wants to? Or should he just take the token, he’s going to draw his wife? Jennifer: Okay, I’m turning it off here. Dan: I’m sorry. I just want to know.