There are three forms of communication. The first one is when the coffee pot is building up. It is passive-aggressive it is comes in the childhood position. It is characterized by being dishonest, pouting, blaming somebody else for your feelings and you made me feel, not being direct, sarcastic or manipulative.
It is very, very passive-aggressive, and when somebody treating you this way it feels like slap you in the face or ambushes you under cut you on the belly. It is real physical feeling but there is nothing you can really grab on to.
So, as if you turn to me and say “Jeffrey, are you angry?” and I say “No!” I said no, my word said no but my emotions said yes but since it is confusing the tendency would be to stop talking as well.
So, usually this form of communication stops in a real good communication and we have at least 18 years of learning on how to deal this way because of the kids. When we cannot hold on to the emotion anymore and it blows up. It goes to the aggressive which is like a critical pattern. It is judging a whole person by one thing that person does, rather than let us say somebody is late and you jump on him and call him a lazy inconsiderate person.
Well, that is about behavior or that is about personhood, but in reality anyone can be late once in a while. You might say I thought that was a very lazy thing to do or inconsiderate thing to do that would make a list a little bit more sense.
If you hit somebody label somebody, or call names or start senses with you. It is a one up one down position and therefore, it is an attack and the tendency is somebody to get defensive.
When somebody is been aggressive it says, if they fit you over the head with the stick or punch you in the face, and the first thing that occurs is that I listen to what you say. I plug my ears because if it is started out that way it is only get worst. And then, I lean back and think of biggest weak point that you have. And so, I bring up what happen in 1985 with you with and try to fit you back way.
This is about running from a conflict; this is about getting into a fight and communication usually start or just turns into a fight and the only real way that they have a chance of communicating well is the assertive way. And the assertive way is in the adult way. It is open, honest, direct and equal.
What are you trying to do is in form the person how you feel and think. Take care of yourself and with and hold good boundaries without doing any harm or offending anyone. That is the purpose out of each, very adult and in our culture that kind of teaching adult behavior has not then effective because of the occurrence on and popularity of dysfunctional families.
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