Useful Tips for Dads-to-Be

Nina Sebastiane: Many men struggle desperately with the much more position changing from lad to dad. Damion Queva, publisher of Dance Magazine FQ and Stephen Giles the author of lad to dad are here today to give all you dance to be some tips on coping with the monumental changes, you're about to take over your knife. Welcome guys. Welcome to the studio. Now first of Stephen, your book recounts a hilarious amount of sort of elements and thoughts that you had during the birth of your first child or during the sort of pregnancy after your child, what was the overwhelming memory that sort of stuck with you from that time? Stephen Giles: I think the most important memory was the fact that it was a massive change in responsibility that I realize that I was going from an independent block, just looking after my own problems and my own life to suddenly being responsible for somebody else complete you're response for somebody else. And this was nothing that I had ever experienced before. Nina Sebastiane: There is one hilarious expect by your partner that she works out, that she is pregnant on sort of you know on like we'll at the stick, you know and it sort of comes to my, I can't remember this sort of exact digest that you said, but it was you know, it wasn't the fact that you know oh, my god I'm just about to have a child; it was a lot of what it was. It was -- is a fact that this was the first time that you had ever spoken with your wife or partners ears. Stephen Giles: I never seen a wife before was it now -- that was my mom and I that's pretty depressing really, but that was when it was you know when she laid out the little junior chemistry set that she had to have in order to prove that she was pregnant and my mom just went blank; that was the ending I would think to say was terribly reassuring at that time. Nina Sebastiane: Now, you both got children, I mean what was the sort of main change in your life? What's your first end up? Damion Queva: I think as you had mentioned from the mom she told you're going to be a dad and that whole feeling of that, and now going to have to be not just a bad, but a proper man. Okay. From being a boy or being a lad to a dad was essentially, which what we both therefore had posted to some extent. And I think that's the overwhelming feeling of having to be responsible. Nina Sebastiane: Oh, my god, this is for real now. Damion Queva: This is it. I've got to take it all a little bit to -- a lot more seriously, which is not necessary in the case later on, but at that time it's like well, I've really got to step up to the play now, everything is being about fun, you know as soon as I get my two holidays a year, I can do this and earn a bit money to get by here and whatever else, but just suddenly holding a second refer for the house, food in the mouth, you know make sure everyone is boom, sight, you know etcetera, etcetera that's I think the overwhelming part. Nina Sebastiane: So, is it almost like the expectation of what people you know are? What a father is supposed to be, is that because we will have sort of great parenting mid models, you know how, my father is particularly a great parenting model, I mean what --? Damion Queva: I think that's a good point, I think you then start reflecting on your father in particular and he like okay, could I be a better dad or can I improve on what my dad told me? Yeah, he was great in this particular area and not so good in this particular. Can I improve on that, it's great because they're the role models and I'm pleased to say a role model has to be perfect that's the first thing. There is already a lot of expectations upon this from the beginning, so you know you got to be trying to be well balanced as apart. Nina Sebastiane: Now, women get tons and tons of literatures, as soon as you're anywhere close to be in pregnant, you know you've got books, you've got information, but you know in my experience is there is hardly anything out there for men to read? Is that why you wrote the book? Stephen Giles: That's exactly why I wrote the book. When my partner found out that she was pregnant, I was already writing the journal a lot of time anyway because it was that was sort of I generally write journal on that, it was really a life changing experience and that was the moment that I suddenly decided, well, I've got to find out some more information, so I went out and had a look for books. And they were all telling me a lot of information about a pregnancy, a lot information about partners emotional needs. Nina Sebastiane: What about you? Stephen Giles: What about me? Exactly What about me, and with nothing out there a lot of time. My natural instinct was to write it myself, but I was also quite depressed and disappointed that I was working pretty much as pioneer in an area where we've been doings for many, many millions of years, you know why is this not happening now? Why do we not have a proper network for fathers-to-be. When fathers-to-be are expected to be so efficient that being fathers when the baby arrives, you know where is the proving ground for those fathers. Nina Sebastiane: So, would you say the magazine fathers totally is -- what is it, you know is it a joke, is it kind of you know put you there sympathizing with them, empathizing with them, giving them tips on how to change that, you know what's it all about? Damion Queva: Yeah, it's all about, I'm just going to back to the original question where there was lots of information out there for mothers and it was now there for dad. I was quite happy there was enough information out there and that's my whole reason for first of all producing the magazine to be frankly and this was for commercial reasons. I sort of got it in the market where at by at the same time as a father there wasn't anything out there, which is great to produce such a magazine and say -- being, if there is not get in market then maybe sometime I can feel, and then first of all cannot feel that to get in market and how do we feel it that's the first thing. The obvious thing was holding a second if fathers are men are supposed to be so in that, that father in why isn't there magazines like there is for mothers? Nina Sebastiane: Exactly. Damion Queva: Wonderful, I think. Nina Sebastiane: It's a very good question. Damion Queva: I thought that was the most obvious thing, when I you know there it seems to be a serious in balance that was one magazine not a five or six magazine parenting and mothering in particular and that was the one for dads, what are we going to do then to address the balance. Nina Sebastiane: So, would you get sort of a page? Do you get people writing in what sort of common question? I could feel that. Oh! How silly of me. Damion Queva: A number of questions, we have all the obvious ones you know I'm nervous about being a dad and what the next step is the expectations putting me to sleep deprivation, you know the twins and how to cope with it about, you know pay pressure, you know midwives; what's expectably in the labor ward, it's Nina Sebastiane: Okay. Well, let's talk about the labor ward in particular. you know actually during the labor, what preparation an advice can you give to men who are thinking, I'm really squeamish, you know a pasta when I went to the, you know, drop having to go through this dramatic experience. What advice can you give them? Stephen Giles: My principle advice would be, have a job to do, have a very specific role to fill. Now, the birth plan or any preparations that you come like before the birth and then start to think about what you are focusing on; when you got to focus on your partner as well. You've got to focus on not getting in the way of all the medical professionals and sort of tripping over equipment and breaking anything. What it saying to me you'll also got to focus on making sure that no need that she is happy with what is going on, but will also that, which is that she might have put forward before going into the delivery or before going into labor are being met that I'm talking about pain relief and gas and air and make sure she has had enough and make sure she had this, and all that could be released at anytime in the birth time. Nina Sebastiane: Massage, I mean that's the thing that my partner did that was fantastic roughing that about two and half hours constantly was massaging, you know the lower part of my back, which was great and yet he had a job and you know what it also meant was that he you know he stayed and sort of you know the non-business and really you know Stephen Giles: And that's where the focus comes. If you got that job in mind and you've got the focus, you can do it well, and then your mind doesn't start to wonder down to the business and it'll doesn't start to wonder to what's the midwife doing? Why is she looking at that point and saying this Damion Queva: It sounds like oh, I was very -- that we have the place. Nina Sebastiane: Well, you? Damion Queva: Yeah, I'm the person, I mean for me Nina Sebastiane: I can imagine. Damion Queva: For me, I just, first of all where I was telling my wife has gone into labor, I don't remember how it got from work to the hospital, first of all. Nina Sebastiane: You really excited. Damion Queva: I drove from Islington to Lewisham in 20 minutes in traffic. I was like how the hell it was did it happen. Nina Sebastiane: Suppose, you didn't get arrested? Damion Queva: I didn't. I don't know how it did, to this day, I still think there is sometimes on I travel sort of get that. I think the second thing was is that I knew when I was there for we men out there and women listening to his program, I think for any man is to the best that I remember just, it was the best experience I've ever had. It was exciting it was oh, my goodness hold on a second. So that was I think that's the main thing to try and expect that this where the wonderful thing is going to happen and you'll never really go to say again necessarily, I do have another child; with my first child, I remember feel in that way. And I think you will have a job, I just remember that time to be is supportive and I knew it could take a long time, we could be have that balance. Nina Sebastiane: Well, we haven't got too much time, so I want to get on a few other questions. Now, babies born now, when just move away from the labor ward and you know mom is doing all the breast feeding and doing all the sort of the lots of the hands on stuff. How can the dad get more involved in the bonding process? Stephen Giles: Changing that -- Nina Sebastiane: Well that's the first. I'm glad that you mentioned it. Yes. Stephen Giles: It's a good one to get the best all especially, when you're in the stages when what you're changing doesn't smell so bad because it's kind of get worse later on down the line, so the mothers will get practiced at it while it's not so dangerous. Certainly that isn't an involving thing, I mean there is a lots and lots of ways to bond, not just of becoming, if you're partner is breast feeding she could always express and you could bottle feed at night, for example and give her a little bit of break and you, and I think that sort of night feeds. Another area that you can do is obviously biting and changing the clothes and just sort of in the first six weeks or so there is going to be -- you're partner are going to be so tired and so exhausted so emotionally drained. There are lots of opportunities to bond without looking that you're stepping in between -- Nina Sebastiane: As Damion feel a bit threatened sometimes about you know new baby unseen hang on a minute, you know what about me? Damion Queva: Well, again, I want to read her a lot of magazine is to make sure that you know you could upon that involves you as much as possible and I think that's the very important part of it; either my partner involve me as much as possible, but at same time I wanted to be, you know I picked another and I went for it, so for me, it was the bond in and as he just mentioned that changing the nappies might want to do wanted necessarily do the baby in the early stages, she was quiet so or she is very tired, so for me it was a really important partner, very delicate part of you know trying to hold the baby in the very sleepy environment, and then that was quite a very responsible job at that time. Especially, for the first two weeks I remember that, you know this is probably the most important job actually. Nina Sebastiane: Yeah. And they're sort of tiny. Damion Queva: They're so tiny and they need so much womb, and they hardly do anything and they hardly move, but I remember even as far as breast feeding was concerned actually, getting the baby in the right position at the time, there is various ways of breast feeding and I remember my midwife coming around and saying, great one pillow out here to lay the child upside down from here, if you don't always have to smuggle around, so I just always every involved and so she is comfortable, pillows behind, pillows in front, you know she is comfortable maybe you know she need little tied got a bit messy whatever and just being involved in part of that kind of environment, just watching and just saying this is a great experience. Nina Sebastiane: Fantastic. Now, guys I would say, we don't have much time, but I want to touch on sex during and after pregnancy, I mean lots of men have a fear don't know that you know sex with the wife or part of when they're pregnant and you could harm the baby and so, I mean how should people, you know approach this fear? Damion Queva: Well, first of all where I'm picking up on this one. Stephen Giles: No, you can do this -- Damion Queva: Okay and I think the first thing and you're not going to harm the baby. I think it's important to find the position that your partner is comfortable with and I think that's the most important think. I think the second is always obviously, to find a nice relaxing time that suits you both as well, so it's not just playing that it's right for you, you got to stripe your partner, but you're most certainly not going to harm the baby and the babies are very well protected and that's the first thing. So, eliminate any of those thoughts and I told you that you're going to harm the baby. Nina Sebastiane: Okay, I mean one concern that colleague in as you mentioned at one point -- was got the whole birth experience would put in right off the idea of having sex with her partner afterwards, you know is this a common complaint? Is it something that men should aware of it maybe, -- how did you do that? Damion Queva: I really think this also of course, you're always going to have those men who feel, you know what? I can wait six months, and you've got those men who find as I did for my wife very, very attractive, you know her hair grew beautifully -- wasn't beautiful already and I have to take the whole beings, she absolutely blossomed in every single way and the obvious ways as well. And so, I think you got two of men I thought that there shouldn't any trepidation, I mean I think you should just really relax and so it's a really beautiful time, something that passes very, very quickly. And there should be nothing as -- and she is just got to be sensitive to both peoples needs and want at that time and be sensitive to how you tackle that issues because just in case, as a man if you don't particularly want it, your partner might just wants it, if she needs to be you know feel that she still attractive and feel that she is to wanted and so, I think their obligations is on both sides. Stephen Giles: Yeah, that's my talking comes into it, that's my communications, I mean both before and after the birth; communication is the absolute key with sex that you've got to talk about your needs, you've got to talk about your wants. And you've got to listen your partners needs and you've got to take them under consideration, you've got to use your brain rather than the other part of your body, and be really focused on making sure that everybody is absolutely happy with the lateral involvement they have and you realize that you could have a lot of physical involvement where I'm actually having to have sex. Damion Queva: And he is about, you're right. Yes, it is about communicating. You're really just talking about and you should be very committable with your partner and if you're not comfortable with your partner there is certainly something else to do. Nina Sebastiane: Yeah, if you're not comfortable now. Damion Queva: Yeah, exactly. It is about to have a child -- Nina Sebastiane: Steve and Damion, thank you so much for coming in and sharing your thoughts with us.