(Music Playing)
There are goverenchy number of gismos, gadgets, and contraptions designed to work out your abdominal muscles. Most of them do not actually work, and just about all of them are unnecessary.
By far the damnest of these devices are the abs stimulators that send an electric current through your muscles causing them to contract. While machines like this are useful in physical therapy primarily for soft tissue injuries, they are less useful than your little white in a bar fight when it comes to actually working out your abs.
If you bought one of this things, not only are you an idiot, you are a lazy idiot. And if joined the ever going ranks of people, I think need to be sterilized for the good of humanity.
So if you actually one of this glorified bug zappers, this is how to use it.
1. Turn the power setting to the highest level.
2. Attach the electrodes firmly to your genitalia.
3. Activate the device and repeat “I am a moron” until you eventually pass out from and/or humiliation.
Now for all you who are chrode up in the fetal position dreaming of guest appearances on the Tyra Bank show, there is good news. You can effectively work out your abs without spending money on stupid crap. Just do these series of exercises one after the other in what is called assertive.
Knee touches:
Lying on your back your legs roughly at a 45° angle, reach up and touch your knees, softly caressing them as you would a moist succulent papaya.
Sorry, I just want an excuse to say succulent.
Make sure you do not move your arms, shoulders or neck during this exercise. Repeat 30 times.
Ankle Smacks:
Again, keeping your arms and shoulder stationary, lift your upper body slightly off the ground and touch your left ankle with your left hand and then your ankle with your right hand, that is right, you have been some naughty ankle haven’t you?
Yeah, take it ankles! Take it!
Touching both ankles counts as one repetition, repeat 30 times.
Flip Thrust:
Put your legs on the air and your hands under your butt. Then, without moving your leg, slowly raise your lower body straight up as you would a glass of wine at a neighborhood Christmas party before you get stinking drunk, urinate on the pounded plant, and hit on your mom’s married friends.
Ah, to be 12 again.
After 30 reps, keep your legs on the air for,
Toe Touches;
With your legs straight in the air, reach up and touch your toes.
This part kind of sucks but get through it and you can collapse on the ground letting out the type moan appropriate to just having completed this tremulous exercise or sort of one night stand with one of your mom’s married friends that will hunt you for the rest of your life.
Butterfly Sit Ups:
Laying flat on your back; put your legs in what is commonly referred to as the Butterfly Position.
Then put your hands straight out, parallel to the floor and try to touch you nose to the ceiling.
Do not worry if you cannot actually get your nose to touch the ceiling but if you can, there just might be a part for you in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2.
Side Crunches:
Lying on your side, pull your arms into your chest and raise your upper body off the ground.
Can you feel the burn?!
If you can and it is in your side, that is a good thing. If it is in your groin, you probably need to see a doctor and or get some penicillin.
After 30 reps, roll on to your other side and repeat.
Side Crunches with Legs:
Do the same thing as you did for side crunches but this time, raise your legs up in the air and wave them around like you just do not care.
Wait, did I just put a Backstreet Boy’s song?!
No! No! No! No! No! No!
Superman’s!
For the last exercise, lye in your stomach with your arms positioned like.
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