How to break up with your girlfriend in 64 easy steps? Phase 1, The Build Up. Get a girlfriend, be together for a while, know you are going to be together forever, think you are going to be together forever. Assume you are going to be together forever. Start to wonder if you really are going to be together forever. Start having sex a lot less often. Wonder if you are drifting apart. Have an argument about her parents. Have an argument about your parents. Have no idea who she is speaking to on the phone. Notice that other girls have been looking you over. Start complaining to your friends a lot. Have an argument about your job. Have an argument about your cloths. Have an argument about Valentine’s Day. Have an argument about a frying pan. Break up.
Phase 2, The Second Childhood. Feeling of relief, feeling of anticipation, feeling of adventure. Feeling of light stomach. Start going to a lot of parties. Rediscover all the music you like. Start dating people casually. Have a one-night stand with a girl you met on the bus. Start making plans for your new future. Receive a drunk dial from ex-girlfriend while on the way home from the party. Meet at her place for a drink, have sex.
Phase 3, The Back Together: Talk about how much you have grown. Talk about how much you have missed each other. Talk about how much better things are now than before. Spend at least one major holiday looking at the stars on the roof of your apartment building. Sort of miss the feeling of freedom but that is okay. Sort of miss the feeling of adventure, but that is okay. Sort of miss the music you were listening to, but that is okay. Start not having sex as often again. And that is not quite so okay. Have a small argument about a movie. Have a medium argument about money. Have a large argument about whether or not it is important to go to environmentally responsible gas stations. Have an insane argument that you can never really figure out what it was about. Break up.
Phase 4, The Third Childhood: Which incidentally is just like the second childhood with a lot less enthusiasm. Go out to parties again, but just for the hell of it. Go out to bars again, but just for the hell of it. Start getting bored of relief. Start getting bored of anticipation. Start getting bored of adventure. Start getting bored of adventure. Start getting bored of all the music you like. Call ex-girlfriend with a question that you don’t really need to know the answer to, but phrase it in a way that will suddenly indicate how much fun you are having. Decide it is time to find a new girlfriend. Notice that all the girls that had been looking you over have now stopped looking you over. Start looking at a lot of porn, get kind of depressed.
Phase 5, The Recovery: Start to hate being alone. Start to really hate being alone. Start to really, really, totally, absolutely hate to be alone. Then decide that it is time to learn how to be alone. Get sort of good at being alone. Get better at being alone. As soon as you are perfectly happy and content about being alone, get a new girlfriend and repeat from beginning.
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